The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am working on letting go of outcomes and surrendering. Today I have a second interview at a Doctor's office where they train you to become a medical assistant. I already have some college courses in this field so it would be great. The pay would be better than I make now, most likely. Also I have my plan b and know that I can hopefully find a place to live closer to my kids' schools in about 6 weeks. I have to wait for tax returns to do it thats why the 6 week wait....
I am working on all of this to be proactive and it feels as if it is they way my hp is pointing me to go. I got a call for an interview the day I put my resume in. And got the second interview call back 2 days later. Is being proactive also surrendering?
I am working on reading and re-reading the Getting Them Sober book. It seems to me that most people can't handle living with alcoholism and so they end up leaving their partner after a while? That is what I feel I am hearing for the most part here. Is that the only way to feel serenity?
I was wondering about surrendering. How did you all go about doing it?
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
In all honesty, I'd bet that there are a higher percentage of people who STAY with their A, than those who actually leave.... I think you'll hear from several, who made the decision to stay, but who also found serenity....
I couldn't do it.... I eventually had to leave....
I think it's a unique and personal choice, and there are pros and cons to both....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
God is going to do for me what I cannot do for myself... I must be proactive on the things I can control. (I cannot improve my financial situation if I don't put myself out there, for example.) The things I cannot control, like the outcomes... I leave to Higher Power. My focus is on doing the next right thing as HP would have me do, and then trusting Him.
I know many who have stayed in the relationship... and things had changed. My own sponsor is a great example, her husband never left her (she was the alcoholic) despite the fact that she was not faithful to him during her drinking career. Today, they have a beautiful relationship, one that anyone would want.... and she has a rock-solid faith.. She definitely has what I want.
I believe the answers come from Higher Power who provides the serenity we're hoping for. The only drama that ever really happens in life, is my walk away from my HP and my walk back. It is an individual journey and I believe whatever ways we don't evolve in this lifetime, we'll have a chance to do it again... Take what you like... (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 12:15:28 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Taking action always makes me feel better. Being proactive and showing up for oneself financially and emotionally are always signs of good recovery IMO.
Surrendering for me is when I'm stuck in control mode, and letting go. I can't make someone hire me, that's not for me to control. But I can look after myself financially, by going on interviews and looking for work that works for me. And after I interview, I can let go and let god.
There are many couples in recovery at my home group - where one person goes to AA and the other to Alanon. My AH and I are so incredibly blessed to have this today.
It's funny. My ex husband is an A. I divorced him, mostly for reasons having to do with alcoholism or its effects. I didn't know anything about my own sickness then, I just blamed it all on him. I found recovery afterward. I don't know what might've been different if I'd found recovery before my divorce. I can't speculate. I do know that I am remarried, and I am remarried to a A. I think that if a relationship with an A ends, it's common for the person to find themself in another relationship with an A (and maybe wonder what the heck happened, or wonder how it happened again).
I think being proactive and letting go of the outcome is certainly surrender. I wish you the best of luck with the job - let us know when you hear!
Not everyone leaves, some of us stick around and let the program show us how to be happy whether the alcoholic in our life is drinking or not. I decided a couple of years ago that if I was going to stay, I was going to be happy. Life is way to short to let it be consumed by this disease we are powerless over. I had to change. Part of that change was surrendering to a power much greater than myself.
I'm not happy my wife still drinks everyday, but I don't allow her drinking to control my happiness.
I enjoyed reading Getting Them Sober. I got a diffferent take from the book. I think when I read the book, I was reading from a mindset of how can this book help me while living in the disease of alcoholism. It didn't tell me to leave or stay. It did give me permission to feel the way I feel, and react at times to unacceptable behavior without a guilt trip. No more egg shells.
For me surrendering came the day I finally waved a white flag at my HP, and told him I'm done, my AW is yours 100%, I'm stepping out of your way, I can't fix her, make her better or make her worse, I'm tired of the middle, and I this time HP, I will not take her back from you.
That was over two years ago now. My AW is still in HP's hand 100%, and no, I haven't taken her back once.
My surrended was not giving up..........it was giving in.........to a power much greater than myself.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 01:04:19 PM
Thank you all for explaining this to me :) Seems like I have to hear it many times and many ways to get it... I understand a lot that my sponsor says, and I know hearing the same thing different ways helps my adhd mind to "get it". LOL... I am a hands on learner, so this is the way for me :) Maybe others can just read it and get it, or hear it and get it, I need to do it to get it... :) I am going to keep reading Getting Them Sober and all the posts I can on this topic :) Thanks everyone, great insight and E S & H :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I was married for 26 years to the alcoholic. I was in it for the long haul, I loved my husband very much and never wanted a divorce.
I thought over the years that he would get better and I never gave up hope, but he didnt get better, he got progressively worse. Its not the drinking so much as the effects of the drinking, the drama's , the chaos, the trips to the ER, the near death, the affairs, their arrogance, their denial. Every marriage and every alcoholic act differently.
I asked him to leave 2 1/2 years ago. Doesnt mean you stop caring.... just meant I didnt want to live with it anymore and no, just because you part doesnt mean you will have complete serenity. Ive done Alanon long enough to know that I had a part in it. I could never go back to the dynamics of our relationship. I think you have to do Alanon for awhile to make that decision or not.
It seems you are doing the right things by focusing on you and getting a better job to be self supporting. Its about making the right choices for you, not what other people do.
Surrendering for me means to finally understand I have no control over other people especially the alcoholic , the only thing that is in control is the drug of choice . Surrender does not mean giving up its a* OK God * I get it I finally get it he's all yours now and i carry on getting my life back on track . some marriages survive some dont but working this program is a win win situation for us our lives sort them selves out regardless of what they are doing .so with or with out them we are going to be okay..
I have heard people say to do the work and leave the results up to God.
As for leaving the A or staying, my main concern is for my three children and the environment that they will grow up in if he continues to use illegal drugs. It is not safe to stay. I am making the right decisions for my family and me.
I think I know more people who decide to live with thier active A's than those that don't. I think it is definitly a personal decision I also think it depends on how one works the program. I don't know really is I don't have an A spouse I have an A son No divorce or leaving there... so while I must make very hard painful decisions I love my son uncondtionally and there is nothing he could do or say to break that love. Doesn't mean I have to watch or enable...I can love my son and hate his disease thats how I detach. I wish you all the best Blessings
