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I feel so disappointed. MY AH organised to have my daughter's friend from childcare of this evening and her parents for dinner. I thought it was a big ask as the house is really messy and I've had really bad morning sickness. I said three days ago that I wasn't feeling comfortable with this. But he assured me that he was the one that organised this so he would get the house ready etc etc and it would be okay. So now I've got home at lunch time, he's drunk - he still thought we could get the housework done and get tea on but I am just too stressed so I got him to cancel. The poor girls are/were so excited about this. Now I have to face to go and pick up my daughter - she's only 4 - but we've let her down. What have I done? This seems so small but I didn't think I could follow through with the playdate under this pressure....I got him to ring up and cancel. Whose issue is this/was this? Mine over the anxiety of having people over or his? He said he felt like he was under extreme pressure to get 'it all done'. What the hell? Can we just not even be normal people and our daughter just have a friend over?
As I read this I'm thinking that he planned this and said he'd cover the extra work involved but couldn't follow through because he got drunk, so had you covered for him by doing the work instead that would be a form of enabling, since he would avoid the consequences of his drinking.
That's the way I see it; others may have a different view.
Be gentle with you, Hayes. I don't think it's your responsibility to rescue him from his irresponsibility.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
"Cant we just be normal"...nothing is normal for anyone in a house with an alcholic. It is filled with disappointments, broken promises and the list is endless...
Thanks guys. That's what was going through my mind. If I really pushed it I could have got us ready in time but then I'd be totally stressed, and what if he kept drinking (he's now sleeping it off). What I can say is he rang the friend, apologised, was completely honest about what had happened and said he'd let everyone down and he would call back up when sober. I told him I felt disappointed and he did say to me so you can imagine how I feel. So he's feeling some sort of ownership over this. The problem being there are other side affects - I now have to go and tell my daughter and play mate at the child care that its not happening tonight and may run into the parents. I feel guilt and embarrassment. I feel like shit.
I guess I would have found a different way to have the playdate -- like to meet at an indoor playground or something like that. Maybe you could arrange a future date so your daughter has that to look forward to. It's true that that "covers for" your A, but it protects your daughter, which is the most important thing. Obviously it's only safe to make arrangements that don't rely on his sobriety. What a difficult situation. Hugs.
I think you were just taking care of you and you did the best you could.
It's really hard to be okay with someone else being unhappy, especially if I feel I played a part in it. But if I'm whittling myself away to nothing because THEY want to be happy at my expense then it's really not worth it.
Children are resilient - and it is good for the kids to learn how to properly cope with disappointments because life is chock full of them. You just did what you had to do to keep yourself from feeling even more awful.
There will be more days and more opportunities ahead for playdates - and if you're not feeling okay in how you showed up in the situation, know that there will be more opportunities in the future for you to do it different, too.
Normal??? the only thing that is normal in your home is the settings on your washer and dryer .. Dont take on the shame and guilt of his disease its not yours to carry .
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 02:38:24 AM
This is all great thank you, thank you. She took it well and we are making cupcakes together while AH goes to a meeting. So some good has come from the day! And yes, I like to think there are better ways to handle this in the future and learn from this. Plan to come back on here later tonight when dear girl asleep. THANK YOU!
I can't even imagine what "normal" looks like when you live with an active A. There is no normal There is no plans to be made in advance without having a planB ready to go when the A lets you down. i am sorry for your little one....they are the victims really in all this Us adults are able to make choices and follow through the children have no choices, no opionions, no voice...thats just what i learned growing up not only in an addictive home but a totally dysfunctional one
Hayes, that was my breaking point the lies, you keep trying to believe and me being in a marriage for 32 years felt I could no longer believe anything she said to me, and then I started doubting what she told me in the past, why??? because of all the lies I'd caught her in
your disappointment is similiar to one my AW made with my eldest daughter, back in July my daughter got married, she'd prviously made appointements with florists and my AW to go settle on one, my AW was so wasted the day they'd set that she was unable to go, my daughter was devasted. It wasn't my daughers fault is was the deseases fault, she'd forgotten and even though she'd put it in her outlook and appointement book once the bottle took over why look at anything she had scheduled... I eventually went with my daughter and apologized for my wife missing the appointment and that ended that one episode, unfortunately not other incidents
I feel so disappointed. MY AH organised to have my daughter's friend from childcare of this evening and her parents for dinner. I thought it was a big ask as the house is really messy and I've had really bad morning sickness. I said three days ago that I wasn't feeling comfortable with this. But he assured me that he was the one that organised this so he would get the house ready etc etc and it would be okay. So now I've got home at lunch time, he's drunk - he still thought we could get the housework done and get tea on but I am just too stressed so I got him to cancel. The poor girls are/were so excited about this. Now I have to face to go and pick up my daughter - she's only 4 - but we've let her down. What have I done? This seems so small but I didn't think I could follow through with the playdate under this pressure....I got him to ring up and cancel. Whose issue is this/was this? Mine over the anxiety of having people over or his? He said he felt like he was under extreme pressure to get 'it all done'. What the hell? Can we just not even be normal people and our daughter just have a friend over?