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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Family Conference....
Post Info TOPIC: Family Conference....
canadianguy


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Family Conference....
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I was stumbling through some old files the other day, and found my "list" that I prepared for my 'family conference' that I had with my ex-AW at her treatment center.  I was asked to speak to my wife (at the time) and her counselor, and tell my wife exactly how her drinking had affected myself and the kids (who were 5 and 3 at this time).  I had once thought of this list as 'personal', but as I read through it, I hoped that it might be of some assistance to anyone facing the same situation, as these 'family conferences' are reasonably common at various Treatment Centers....

Take care
Tom


How has ex-AW's drinking affected me & my family?

 

1.       Made me lose my sense of hope for any kind of future between us; happiness etc.

2.       You ridiculed my longing for a soulmate and/or deep companion

3.       I cannot trust you at all, with any subject or issue alcohol gets in the way each and every time.

4.       My work & career has been negatively affected by my inability and/or unwillingness to travel.

5.       It was gut wrenching driving home from work every day - not knowing what kind of chaos to expect

6.       Driving drunk with the kids - over and over

7.       You are mean spirited and unfair with the kids when drunk (and I also had to hear the lectures of what a terrific mother you were)

8.       You lied to daughter's face, telling our (then) 5-year old that she was a liar (when it was you being the liar)

9.       You blamed me (solely) for the lack of communication in the relationship

10.   You decimated any sexlife that was once there (my options became occasional sex with a drunk, or no sex at all)

11.   You accused me of dishonoring you, being a bad Christian, lacking principles, lacking backbone, being a lousy & unsupportive father & husband, etc, all the while carrying on with your drinking.

12.   You created an extremely unhealthy home environment, and carried it on for years. The kids now think normal is a drunken and/or depressed mother living in the house.

13.   I wanted you to die (many times), either in a drunken car crash or whatever - I used to dream of having the RCMP knock on my door and tell me the 'bad news'. I have had to deal with a lot of guilt issues over this secret shame.

14.   You made me feel guilty, any way you could (money, communication etc).  I either expected too much, or never loved you, or ???

15.    The monetary impact is huge not only has it negated your own business, but now it is also responsible for the costs of daycare etc.  These expense definitely effect our retirement future, their college future etc.

16.    Kids need a mother and father, and you simply have not been there for them.  I hope and pray they havent been affected to the point where they will follow in your footsteps.

17.   It is absolutely unacceptable for you to compare me with your Dad your father is a mean spirited, manipulative, two-faced alcoholic, and I am none of those

18.   It is really easy to hate the disease, but often difficult not to hate the alcoholic

19.   Anger, by definition, is unmet expectations.  Am I as angry as you make me out to be?  If so, it is at least partly attributable to the disease.

20.   Assumption that you can just go to Edgewood and plop yourself back into my (our lives).

21.   I feel I cannot win I have gotten on your bad side before by not associating with your friends, then when I do (i.e. friends met in Treatment) I offend you.

22.   As soon as youre sober, even for a day, you immediately want to work on us (and if I dont jump at the chance, I am deemed to be negative & living in the past)

23.   When I asked daughter how Mommys drinking affected her, she said she gets scared and it bugs me.

24.   Last week, son wouldnt drink juice because he thought all juice had alcohol in it, and he didnt want to get sick like Mommy.

25.   Nervousness from a comment you made on last Sundays visit to the kids when you said that many people in here are even sicker than Mommy.  Is this another form of denial?

 



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"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
suave75


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Thanks for this. It's heartbreaking. I relate to your feelings. I just want to stop feeling guilty for them.

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Debilyn


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Oh Tom I am so touched you shared such an intimate part of your life. I am sure many will relate, and it will help them.

love,debilyn

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Jerry F


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Real Experience...still so very real.  Amazing that you wrote about my own feelings
and thoughts regarding living with my own alcoholic wife; I also thought of the other
guys who participate in MIP.   We (men) also have our way of doing the dance of
alcoholism.  I am grateful for all of the guys who have participated in my own
recovery and reached out for other guys in the process.  I have strong fond memories
of the Friday Night Men's Stag Al-Anon Family Group where I first fell thru the doors
of Al-Anon.   By the Grace of God....

Mahalo Tom for finding that and having the compassion to share it.  (((hugs))) smile

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Aloha


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I could have written much of that list myself.

I broke down crying in one of my meetings a couple years ago when I admitted I wished the AH would just die - like that would be the answer to all my problems. I felt horrible and ashamed for thinking something like that and was almost convinced no one would want to talk with me after the meeting. Instead everyone just surrounded me with hugs and love and let me know it's not really uncommon to think that... it all falls in with step one... my life's unmanageable and I was wishing for something different.

If I had a dime for every time the AH guilted me... told me I was ungrateful or selfish or unhelpful or that everything was my fault... yeah, I'd be a millionaire.

Thanks for sharing, Tom.

I'm so grateful for this program - the support I've received and how it's assisted me with my self-esteem by looking at my own part in things, but learning to love myself regardless my defects.

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Rose


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Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to so much of this and to know I am not alone in this world...

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Rose
RLC


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Tom,

Yes it took a tremendous toll on you, but I counted and 10 of 25 on your list were directly concerning your kids. Your concern for your children who had no detachment skills was heart wrenching. How sad it is for children caught in the web of this disease.

None of the 25 on the list was about a pity party on your part, and none could be questioned because only a person who has lived and experienced the helplessness of this disease could have expressed as you did.

I can relate to many on the list, made me reflect on the past 15 years, but I didn't allow myself to stare. The program has allowed me to erase, accept or put them in that black spot in my mind, and realize again that at the end of the day resentments only effect me.

HUGS,
RLC


-- Edited by RLC on Wednesday 19th of January 2011 01:01:14 AM

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david62


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Wow Tom, thanks for sharing that list with us.

I too can relate to many of the things on your list, a couple of them very strongly.

I remember telling my parents, when I was first dealing with the knowledge of my ex wife's cheating on me, that I wished she would have just died instead.  I thought at the time that losing her by her dying would be easier to take than losing her by her rejection of me for another man.  I remember many an evening spent waiting up for her to get home and sometimes hoping she wouldn't ever.  So it could be over with.  Guilt.

And how unhealthy our sex life became.  The times when she would be so very disgustingly drunk and want to have sex with me.  How I felt betrayed by my own body's response to her needs.  How disgusted and low I felt about myself for responding to her.  I hated myself so much for "performing" for her, when all I felt was disgust.  I would literally cry during this and she would not even notice.

The guilt.  The shame.  The feelings of inadequacy.  The constant fear and worry.

As Jerry said, we men certainly did our own dance with the family disease of Alcoholism.

I am so grateful for being led to Al-Anon and for how much healing and growth I have experienced over the last 6 years and 9 months.  And I owe it all to people, who just like you did with this post, shared with me the reality of their own experience's with the disease and let me know that I was not alone.  And also let me know that there was hope to recover.

Thanks again, Tom.

David



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Bettina


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Thanks Tom!!!

As I went down the list, I could feel what it was like for you and I related to so much, am so glad that you have come so far. It encouraged me so much and I know it will encourage everyone in MIP.

I didnt have children with the xah, but I know how sad and devastating this disease can be for families with children, my heart goes out to them all .


Thanks again.


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Bettina
danielle0516


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Hey Tom, wow - I could have written almost all of those exact same words myself; and no person on earth could even begin to understand them (psychologists ,psychiatrists and doctors included) unless they have lived with this disease.

The second guessing myself, the emotional roller coaster, the extreme guilt over my thoughts and reactions or lack of action, initial feelings of isolation, shame, resentment, anger (mostly at myself for putting up with it all), lies, lack of trust, living in fear, anxiety over what we'll have to face around every single corner....

It's absolute madness and insanity.

Thanks so much for sharing this!

Danielle

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pinkchip


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Hrm. This certainly gives me new perspective. Thanks for sharing. My default response to worrying about coming home and finding my partner drunk was always to be drunk myself by the time I got there so that he wouldn't bother me so much.

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ntxalanon


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That list, while not exact, sounds familiar. I am attending an IOP meeting for my wfe tonight. I am dealing with a whole other set of emotions right now early in her sobriety so my list is changing daily. Thanks for sharing.

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Rita G


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Tom -

how brave you were to face your feelings, to care for your children and still attempting try to salvage your then wife.

I'm sure that wasn't easy and you must have gone thru a lot of pain.

Thank you for sharing it with us -

I believe it can help others to see at what point we were in our lives and that if we keep on working on our own recovery - we took can find a better life - regardless of what our partner chooses!

Thanks for always being such great example of what recovery can do if you use the tools available!

PINK HUGS,
Rita


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SteppingUp


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Thank you so much Tom.

In sharing your list, you're helping many of us by letting us know that we're not alone. smile

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