Why does my AH think its ok? - Al-Anon Family Group

Rose · Veteran Member

Why does my AH think its ok?

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm new to all this but I wanted to send you a cyberhug ((Rose))! Just like with any addiction, they don't think. I don't think they think about us at all. My sister and her husband nearly divorced this past fall because of his sex addiction, it was so damaging to her. Yet, he changed his ways once she contacted a lawyer. She is now pregnant with number 2 and still has issues with his porn watching and his 'nobody pays attention to me' attitude. She swears that he knows she knows about his porn watching and that he jacks off at work, but he shows no shame and thinks that it's all OK. Ummm, I would think that jacking off in the bathroom at work would be a big no no, but he just doesn't get it.

Remember, it's not about you. It's about them and they have to take ownership of it. My sister begged her dh to get to counseling and get help. Once he straightened up for a short while, she stopped nagging so here they sit still dealing with the same issues. And, no, they never stop lying as long as they are active in their disease(whichever addiction it may be). Take care of you, that's what I'm learning here. Go for a walk, for a drive, or get a pedicure; you deserve it!

Rose · Veteran Member

thank you for the ((((((hugs)))))), much appreciated.

Its not even so much about the porn...I don't think I really even care...well, I guess I do if I needed to vent about it but, its all the lies and now the drinking again. All of the addictions go hand in hand.
I am just so sick and tired of it ALL...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Rose...Expecting and addicted person to be normal doesn't work except if it is
expecting them to be addicted. Inside our face to face meetings are tons of literature
most you can have for free which will enlighten you if you really want to be enlightened.

Also if you check into internet sites with information about compulsive addictive
obsessive behavior you will find info there also and then you can spend a lifetime
trying to figure out why they do what they do and in the process miss out who Rose
is and why she does what she does and how she'd like her life to be.

Alcoholics think it's okay because they think it's okay period and there is no higher
power than their own self will running riot.

I once read and still believe true that a person on mind and mood altering chemicals
alcohol and drugs, will do what it is that they wouldn't normally do if not drinking and
using. From my experience that is true and I just accept it today and not deny it.

I use to surrender my peace of mind and serenity over to my alcoholic wife as if she
had the wherewithall to fulfill it responsibly...how in the hell I ever got to that thought
and then action was mind boggling. Trusting an alcoholic for outcomes they are not
able to provide is the insanity we talk about in the disease. Go take care of it myself
is what I learned in recovery and take care of my part in the relationship and keep
doing what is right and good for myself.

((((hugs)))) smile

Rose · Veteran Member

thank you Jerry for your encouraging words and advice.
Your postings always give me hope and put the focus back on myself...I am missing out on so much because I always go back to my AH and his problems.
Time to focus on Rose and what makes me happy...thank you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to be so analytical. My nature.

When learning about addiction, at the first, I would say why, what etc.

When someone simply said,"We cannot rationalize insanity," I just came to a stand still. Immediately stopped. Of course that is right.

I guit immediately. I accepted he is very sick, will always be an A, and he is insane. Which he is from wet brain and brain damage from brain surgery.

It took a huge weight off me. I never let anything his disease do get to me anymore. I detached from it as it was just insanity, nothing I said or did would change anything.So why bother?

I learned to just love him as is, if he was too much, out the door he went until it was very apparent he was totally insane/unsafe to be around.

Just heard not long ago when we hear something it goes in our head and we know it is a lie. An A can hear something, even himself talking, they take it in and to them it is the truth! Their brains are not wired right especially when they are using.They honestly believe their own lies.

Its a disease hon, he will always be an addict. Always! All you stated is part of it. If they ever can get into a strong program of recovery, maybe then things will be good for awhile. But sadly the symptoms of addiction are HORRIBLE.

I wish it was easy, I wish they got better and stayed better. Some do for many years. We have people here who's spouces are doing well and have been for awhile!

But we just don't know when the bottom will fall out. so we learn to take care of us, love them just how they are. We decide what we can live with and what we cannot. We have to work on us, we cannot expect anything of them, but to be who they are.

If they do go bonkers, they do. We however build ourselves up to be as strong and healthy as we can be. We learn tools to live with an A. We practice giving our attention to our needs and wants. For me I just loved him period.Protected what I had left after his disease almost sucked me dry.

I am glad you came here and vented, we need to get it out.

love,debilyn

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Beautiful Rose by the way...

I cant add anything more except to say, the disease sucks us in time and time again.

It seems we have to be vigilent in working our program. We see the path there on and where there headed, but until they awaken and see it, we have to just focus on us and our path. We have to let it go....

Keep coming back, you have all the support you need.

Luv, Bettina

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's crazy-making, isn't it? It makes them crazy and it makes us crazy.

I'm also one of those people who tries to understand things too, and even though it's a challenge to understand crazy behavior, this is the way I see it. I think alcoholics get into a mindset of victimhood and entitlement. If you look at things a certain way, a whole huge proportion of people on earth have gotten unfair deals in life. Some of them really seriously unfair, some "merely" painful and difficult. And if you dwell on those things and brood about them, they take up more and more of your life. You feel trapped and as if you can't get away from people and things victimizing you. I think this is the mindset alcoholics get into, the way I understand it. Part of it is fair -- a whole lot of people did get a raw deal. But the thing is that dwelling on the raw deal just gives you more raw deal. You have to start balancing the picture and stop going over the past again and again in order to move forward. But alcoholics get stuck, and the only way out they've learned is to drink until it all feels better. So they think, "I got such a bad deal, the world has been so unfair, I deserve to feel better." (And they're right, they deserve to feel better. The thing is that alcohol doesn't really do it -- because you can never get enough to make the feeling better last. Because that's not a real way to feel better.) So they think, "Because of how bad I feel, I deserve to drink/gamble/lie, etc. etc. etc." It all makes crazy sense to them.

I sort of know how this feels because I indulge in my own little addictions: "I've had a rotten day, so I deserve a cookie." That's not great -- a cookie doesn't help me in the long run -- but at least one cookie doesn't make you drive drunk, pass out, break up your family... Anyway, that's how I understand it. As to whether the lies stop, my experience is that they don't stop without a lot of recovery. None of it stops without a lot of recovery. They're lying to themselves as well as to us. The only thing we can do is work on our own recovery.

Hugs to you.

-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 06:00:22 PM

Rose · Veteran Member

thank you everyone. All of you have given me something to think about again instead of my AH.

The "Rose" is supposed to represent a new life for a new beginning for me......still searching for 'my new beginning' but I know one day I will be able to proudly say that it has bloomed...

f2fmember · Veteran Member

There is an entry in the courage to change book on March 14th
that talks about a man who sits under a tree. He notices the tree is full of pigeons. Shortly the pigeons do what pigeons do best. The man shouts at the pigeons and storms away, resenting the pigeons as well as the offending material.
But then he realises that the pigeons are only doing what pigeons do, just because they are pigeons and not because he was there.
The man learned to check the trees for pigeons before sitting under down.
Active alcoholics are people who drink. They don't drink because of you or I but because they are alcoholics

Its a really good book

We have choices. I can (and did) walk away from my AH because I couldn't cope with his behaviour.
Today I chose to be with him ....one day at a time

He is who he is....and thankfully today he is sober.
but my behaviour is just as bad as his at times.
I've had to accept that he has choices too

f2f

Rose · Veteran Member

thanks f2f member....I will read March 14th tonight.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks F2F... loved that ;)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Rose )))

I think you have already been given the absolute best experience, strenght and hope there is out there.
Pls do get to alanon meetings, work the program and give yourself the gift of peace of mind. And get your own life back
Pls don't try to figure out why addicts do what they do or how they rationalize thier behavior...you will make yourself crazy trying to rationalize the irrational
It is a cunning and baffling disease
help yourself now
Blessings

danielle0516 · Senior Member

((((Rose)))) Oh I hear ya. He is just doing what alcoholics do. They drink, lie, drink, lie.... Just like dogs bark, and pigeons poop on your head! (Thanks for sharing that f2f).

Try to keep the focus on yourself and know that he is doing these hurtful things because he is an alcoholic; that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I honestly believe that you could have sex with him 10 times a day.... and he would still watch porn. I think excessive porn watching is another addiction, or, at least a compulsive behavior, something to do to avoid dealing with life.

I know and totally understand how you feel. When I saw how often my AH looked at porn online, I was sick sick sick!! (and I had monitoring software installed on my computer so I saw everything he did replayed back to me as a video, every click of the mouse, every video he watched, ect) ugg! Even if we had sex an hour ago, he would still come down and look at the porn. I hated how that made me feel. I felt I wasn't good enough (even while simultaneously knowing I WAS good enough, even while realizing my thought was stupid). I would have all sorts of anxiety ridden thoughts centered around what I did or didn't do that led to the porn watching, what a bad wife was I! uggg. I thought: well maybe if I did more of X in bed, maybe if I bought some more toys, spiced it up, dressed up, wore this, did it more frequently, made more porn-y noises ect... on and on!!

Doesn't matter, I could have been the number one male fantasy come to life and it wouldn't have made a difference!

As for seeing the wine topper and it all coming flooding back to the forefront of your mind. Oooh I know, I understand completely. I hated how I would have had a great day, then I would see a beer cap and WHAM, I'm miserable, I'm thinking of all the times he let me down, all the bad times all as a result of evil alcohol.

What I found helped me with that was I told myself that there is alcohol evidence probably all over this house and in the yard, I am going to inevitably stumble upon it. It's there. So, when I do come across it, take a deep breath, it's not a surprise, it's expected...leave it, just carry one. It helped me (usually).

You said it: Time to focus on Rose. What can Rose control? :)

(((HUGS)))

Danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Friday 21st of January 2011 01:56:54 AM

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