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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> isolation
Post Info TOPIC: isolation
kath


Senior Member

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Posts: 125
Date:
isolation
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I am so finally glad I broke out of my isolation. I used to suffer so much because I thought it was normal to be treated like dirt by my AH. I thought it was the way things were because I was such a bad person and I deserved it.

In this program I have learned that I am a valuable and lovable person, and that the first person to treat me as such must be ME!!

In this program I have learned to detect the manipulation by my AH for what it is and slowly learn to not be as affected by it. Unfortuneatly I have learned that this disease wants to keep me feeling crappy about myself. What used to bother me for months now only lasts about a day, and is such a waste of time. It is from talking to my sponsor, reading this board, going to meetings and reading that I have been able to take the steps to take care of myself.

I have weaknesses that my AH knows about. I watched him yesterday (as I was once again letting him know that he would not be keeping our daughter while I go to college) use about every one of those to try to make me feel bad, to confuse me, to manipulate me to get his way. He tries to make me think that there's nothing wrong with getting high all day long every day. His life revolves around it.

I am finally breaking free from this destructive relationship. I would enjoy having a healthy relationship with my husband if he could stop getting high. I can't believe how much I have justified and excused him.

I finally told him that he was no longer my problem and that I would no longer be a participant in his games. I stopped being the mouse for the cat to bat around wink

Hope everyone has a great day.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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(((KATH)))

POWERFUL MESSAGE KATH

 BREAKING THE ISOLATION, TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES AND BEING GENTLE IN THE PROCESS IS A TRUE GIFT OF THIS PROGRAM

THANKS FOR BEING PART OF MY RECOVERY

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
kitty


~*Service Worker*~

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I am glad too that you have broken out of isolating.  That behavior causes severe depression - I know I did it for years and years.  I had to force myself to start doing more things, I had gotten to where I spent a year in bed in tears.

Nothing changes until we face that by blaming others it allows us to stay stuck and in those excuses.  This is YOUr life and u do have choices.  Of course the A wants u to go along and justify it for them, they want to hold us hostage in their disease, they want us to excuse them and enable them.
    They dont need us for that, they can do that for themselves.  Detach from his choices and seperate the diseased behavior from the person - do that for you as well.  When I can see the disease and its own entity and not "me" but more life a social collective - it reminds me that I can be my own "way" and change the patterns in my head through boundaries and my attitude of loving detachment and respect on both sides.

we too are holding ourselves hostage in our disease - we either make choices that allow the sick n twisted disase to be stronger (by foucsing on others) or I weaken it by working on me with all of my conscious mind.

I want to comment on your sentence there saying, if he would just stop using I could have a healthy relationship with him -- I am here to tell you that as you change you and set boundareis and get healthier -- and u accept him as he is and stop trying to change him -- take the good days, whether he is us9ng or not and stop juidging you days based on wether he uses or not.  I mean, u can get healthier and have more healthy relationships, in spite of what he chooses to do.  Dont let it stop you from enJOYing who you are and YOUr life!  And you are allowed privacy too!  You do have choices.

I was told to look at what I was getting out of being the way i was - maybe pondering that can give you more answers into your own behavior/s.

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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Powerful share thank you!!!

love,deb

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
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So what are you going to do? Get a divorce? Not saying you have to but if the marriage is over, you can't trust him, you don't want him around your daughter, and pretty much all that is left is a big toxic mess of a relationship, why keep him around at all?

I am not suggesting you do this, but I can only say from my own experience of being an alcoholic which is that if you give him a place to use or drink all day and he doesn't have to be responsible and act like a grown up, he wont recover. It will be harder for him to justify "getting high all the time" when he is the one who all the consequences of his use fall on instead of so much on you and your daughter.

Great strides though on your attitude. Keep your chin up!

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kath


Senior Member

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Posts: 125
Date:
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We have been separated for over a year now and I have been in the program since June 2010. He still continues to use and is in complete denial that he has a problem.

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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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must be frustrating as heck. You have my prayers and I hope he gets some insight and willingness. He's lucky to have you...lucky you haven't given up totally just yet.

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maresie


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 4578
Date:
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How fabulous.  Jerry Stahl who wrote a memoir about his own addiction says many A's are great actors after all they have had to be in order to survive.  I have learned not to invest too much in getting an active A's approval or opinion.

Of course I had to grieve before I got to do that.

Maresie.

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maresie
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