Feeling left out. - Al-Anon Family Group

Rhivenn · Member

Feeling left out.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rhivenn,

Welcome to MIP. You're in the right place.

Alanon principles direct us to understand and be responsible for filling our own needs- that it is healthy to not expect one person to be able to fill our needs, and to not expect that we can 'be all' to another's needs either.

That said, when an addict is not working a recovery program, there can be no end to filling that person's needs. In other words, if this is case, it would not be possible for any one person to satisfy their needs.

The fact that you are uncomfortable - and I would be, as well- is enough to take pause. So, removing the flirting--- In general, have come to think that, addicts understand each other in a way that it is not possible for others. Alanoners have trouble grasping the addiction compulsion; while addicts aren't typically able to grasp how their behavior effects us.

Open AA meetings can be very helpful. Alanon meetings support our focusing on ourselves and give us new perspectives and more effective coping skills. It took me time to understand and be able to start applying Alanon principles, so please give it a chance- the program does work. MIP has online meetings if you aren't able to make it to face to face meetings. It helps to read and learn all you can about the disease.

Glad you are here- keep coming back.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Rhivenn and welcome!! :)

"Is it even possible for someone like me, to be what someone like him needs?" What do you mean someone like you? A non addict? Yes, I surely think so. Just because alcoholics can relate to other alcoholics in a way non addicts can not, doesn't mean alcoholics can only have relationships with other alcoholics.

From that statement, it sounds like you are second guessing your worth based upon his behavior. I know you were probably just asking that question cause you were curious, but...underneath lies much more, more feelings and emotions that you probably, as most of us do, haven't dug deep enough to really feel yet.

As for your bf texting with his ex and being flirtatious, then him justifying that inappropriate behavior (not taking responsibility) by saying she fulfills his need for friendship is a selfish thing to say.

I also see him not taking any responsibility for his part in the flirtation, just blaming it all on the ex, she started it, I just got caught up in it... he said. She started it. What an incredibly immature thing to say.

I am not knowledgeable on the inner workings of your relationship, but I can certainly relate to this type of behavior.

I would be interested in what some of the recovering alcoholics have to say, but 4 years sober is a significant period of time, enough time for the person to become aware of their past and current behavior, to grow up and be honest. Also, if they are working a good program fearlessly and honestly, they would promptly be admitting when they were wrong and making their amends... which, unfortunately from where I sit, doesn't sound like you bf is doing.

If you can, please check out some Alanon meetings in your area, try and focus on yourself and let him do his AA thing. When you feel you were treated unfairly, be honest about it, share that with him, but try and do so in a nice way. As they say in Alanon, say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean.

Also, I think it is totally within reason to establish a boundary here - an example of that would be something along the lines of no texting the ex, when that happens I leave or whatever... but make sure whatever boundary you may set - that you are prepared to carry through on it, consistently.

Also, in AA they encourage same sex sponsorship to avoid flirting ect that can take the focus away from the program and recovery. Your bf has plenty of other same sex non ex girlfriends he can be talking to. What about his sponsor?

Stay strong and be true to yourself.

danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Monday 17th of January 2011 11:53:09 PM

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Monday 17th of January 2011 11:54:33 PM

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

They have history and as recovering alcoholics understand each other .. assume they are just friends , AA is great for him and occasionally for you but if your in a relationship with an alcoholic i would strongly urge you to find some Al-Anon meetings for yourself .

Rhivenn · Member

Thanks for the replies, and welcomes. I'm working on local al anon meetings, but they make me nervous as he is well-known in the AA community, and yes, I realize anonymity is key in these things, but I've not quite gotten myself to the point where I think I could talk openly there. Yet.

He is working the program - though on occasion he'll go a couple of weeks with no meetings, he then has a stretch of time where he catches several a week. He's also on the steering committee, so he's very involved. At least, from my perspective.

I didn't really have to set a boundary, Danielle - he kinda set it himself. He did take responsibility, said he screwed up and he's sorry for hurting me. He claims he owes her an amends, but from what I know of their relationship, he doesn't, so that means another thing he can't share with me. The way I see it, he owes me one now, but I don't really know what that entails. He does have a sponsor; a male one...and several male friends also in the program. Which is partly why this thing has me so hurt.

Of course, in what I've learned is fairly typical of someone in my position, I just want to 'fix' this, I'm obsessing over it, and really it's out of the realm of my control, and I hate that.

I'm a work in progress.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are going to open meetings! Al Anon helps us to build our own foundation.

Gives us lots of tools/skills to help us. Tools that work even if we don't have an A in our life.

It is my experience, I do not believe it is good on a relationship to have one person or the other flirting with someone else.
It is a problem for you as you stated. We learn to focus on us. My way of dealing with things is, how would he feel if it were you who was around an ex who was flirting with YOU.

It can help others to understand your position. As long as it is said in good, healthy conversation.

Not telling him what to do, but only wanting him to put himself in your place as best as he can.

AA or not, A or not, it is MY experience it is not appropriate for my mate to be flirting with someone else. I know he says it is her, BUT he is cont. to let it happen. So he is flirting with danger here.

MY experience. (c:

Glad you are here. At the bottom of my response helps ya to where to find out where meetings are in your area.

love,deb

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I could have written this for the past 10 years. My AH has been in AA for 10 yrs. and I have been in Al-Anon for 10 yrs. We have been married for 40 yrs. I have learned that sometimes it is not the AA program, it is the person who is going to AA. The program will not fix a man/woman who wants to be private or selfish or emotionless or anything else about their core personality. They will change if that is what they want to do.
I have always felt left out of his AA recovery. In fact, he won't even tell me when/if he is going to meetings. I have stopped asking about his friends in AA. He got cancer, and when they came to the hospital to visit I didn't know anything about them or even who they were. I was introduced to them only by their name and if he knew them from work or childhood or AA was never mentioned. Some/most of them explained how they knew him as we conversed.
Does it make me mad? Oh, yes. Can I change it? No. Is it a wedge in a marital relationship? Sure. How can it not be? I know he is the minority in AA. I know he is exceptionally private and selfish. I know that it is the way he is. I held out a lot of hope that he would change. The only thing that has changed is that I gradually lost respect for him.
Stay close to your friends in Al-Anon. They really do understand how you feel.
Oh, and he did get at least one female friend in AA. I only know this because one time he was boasting to me about one of them that he met at a local meeting, but was only visiting, and then she went back to her own country. He got an email from her a month later that he showed me. I think he thought I would be in awe of him knowing someone from another country. What I saw in the email was another woman who was using bar/saloon flattery on my husband. I got so mad I had to walk away without saying a word. When I went back I explained what I heard in the email from the lady and that it was an assult on me. His take on that was that I was jealous and he would talk to his sponser about what to do with a jealous wife.

Mary

-- Edited by maryjane on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 01:34:14 PM

firehorse · Member

Hi Rhivenn,

20 years ago I met and had a relationship with someone 2 years sober in N.A. Eventually I moved in with him. And it became pretty clear something was wrong.

Every night he'd have a long, long phone call with one of his "recovery friends" a woman from the program. 2 months after I moved in with him, I came home from work to find two icecream bowls next to the bed, that were not mine. In short, he cheated on me.

As we broke up, he told me I needed alanon. Because he said that, I took me another 15 years to join the program. In my mind he was the addict, I was not. After years of therapy, I finally took his advice and went to alanon meetings. If I have any regrets its that I didn't start earlier.

I was co-dependent and I didn't know it. I was alanonic and I didn't know it. I was an adult child of an alcoholic and I didn't know it. Looking back it makes sense that I would be attracted to someone unavailable, someone untrustworthy, and someone with a substance abuse problem.

I was 24 when that all happened. When I was 27 I found out my mom was an alcoholic. Looking back, I was raised in a family with many generations of alcohol addiction. Statistically there was a high probability that I'd either become an alcoholic myself, marry one or both. I'm addicted to the internal hits of adrenalyn the way a coke addict is addicted to coke so I looked for situations that created drama and environments where I didn't know who to trust. In short I'm attracted to people that re-enact the neglect I got as a kid and those feelings of abandonment.

Glad you are here, and welcome.

firehorse

-- Edited by firehorse on Tuesday 18th of January 2011 03:08:57 PM

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi again, I'm glad he apologized for hurting you. In my opinion, he owes you an amends. If he owes her an amends, ok, that's fine, but not a justification for the flirting. Flirting does not go hand in hand with making your amends.

In my experience, flirting leads to no good. Sure, if you meet some random person at some random place and you flirt for a bit, knowing you'll never see that person again, that's one thing... but flirting with someone you see regularly, be that at work or school or in AA, that an entirely new ball game.

I understand the compulsion to want to fix things (we are such great fixers!!) and feeling left out.

Alanon people will understand you so well you'll feel at home, like it's where you belong.

Good luck and all the best taking care of yourself! :)

Danielle

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so with Aunty Louise on this one...(Abbyal)...short, simple and experienced.
Recovery either side isn't ever about perfection. I will never get what I want when
I want it and she will never be the source of my happiness. I was born into this
disease which is alot about messed up relationships. My best relationships keep
me on track in recovery and I gotta be careful when I'm not practicing principles.

Louise said "strongly urge" I would take that like a prescription. ((((hugs)))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.