back from Rehab - Al-Anon Family Group

ntxalanon · Veteran Member

back from Rehab

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi ntxalanon,

Have you seen the movie "When a Man Loves a Woman"? It's an older movie, with Andy Garcia and Meg Ryan. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0111693/

In that movie, the wife is an alcoholic and goes to rehab, when she returns, the husband feels very similar to what you are describing, he is angry and resentful that she doesn't need him to stay sober...that she needs and wants her AA friends more and that they are there for her and he is not or can't be. It's a good movie.

I think it's important to recognize here that those behaviors are common in early sobriety (from what I hear anyway) and that the A typically comes across as quite selfish at first as they are totally focusing on themselves, their program, and just struggling to stay sober. This is the time to focus on yourself.

My AH is in rehab right now, however, prior to that he went to AA and struggled with staying sober. It was hard at first, realizing that I'm powerless over him, that he needs AA and other recovering A's more than he needs me, but, acceptance of that and moving on with my own life, and trying to focus on myself became easier and liberating.

Try to keep the focus on you - her recovery is all hers.

I've read that it's hard for recovering A's at first to be emotionally or physically close with their partners because for so many years they were used to only doing that drunk, so, now sober...it feels so different, too closer or too intimate, a feeling that was 'masked' I guess by alcohol before. Give it time.

Maybe suggest once a week or once a month that you two have a date night?

Danielle

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Speaking as an alcoholic, I went through a good year of being more self-absorbed and selfish than I was when I was drinking. Be prepared for her emotions to come back in full force. It's going to be a bumpy ride. You sound like a very supportive husband. They also advise people in early recovery to keep the focus on themselves and to just treat their significant other "cordially" while this process of change goes on.

While you may be really missing out on being close with your wife, the best suggestion I can offer is to use the time to improve your spirituality and get closer to your higher power.

ntxalanon · Veteran Member

I have seen the movie and it strikes a cord. My wife is very like Meg Ryan in that movie. Cute as can be but couldn't control herself. I would like to think I was a little better than Andy Garcia, but before I got into Alanon (around a year ago) and she went through an earlier stint in outpatient services, did I realize how enabling I was. TO A TEE. Now I just want my loving wife back and patience is required and a work in progress. I am just hoping to learn from those that have been there. My only friend that went through this got divorced (wife chose drinking) and I am hoping with 3 kiddos to not go that route!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

So you have sobriety in your home , awsome to say its gonna be different just dosent cover it does it ? right now her recovery friends are whats keeping her sober and her meetings ,you cannot help her with this other than to support her efforts by getting your own program and keep yourself busy taking care of yourself , this is a selfish disease drinking or not its always me , me me .. and even after 20 yrs of sobriety I have to remind my husb that there are two of us in this house , early sobriety is crazy makin time for both of you , feeling left out is normal , but if you think of your worse day drinking and a 20 min cup of coffee with sober wife 20 min has got to win every time .. early sobriety she is full of shame and guilt and her AA friends will help her walk thru that ..
so if your not already please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too , we had a part in the mess we helped create and have to be responsible enough to change , understanding the disease and the struggle of the alcoholic will help u detach from her stuff while you take care of yourself . make yourself your first priority and eventually things will calm down .. we are never going to understand thier compulsion to drink anymore than they will truly understand how thier behavior has affected our lives , Al-Anons understand and u will find the validation you need in meetings , some days all an alcoholic has to offer is to just not drink and that has to be enough.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

I don't struggle really as being an outsider looking in anymore... I'm perfectly content to see my AH go to his AA meetings (before he went to rehab and I'm sure he'll go after rehab) and hang out with his AA people all night. Usually he'd go to both the 6:30 and 8:30 meetings and stay in between and afterward. I actually LIKED that, I preferred he be gone and am happy to let the AA people take care of him. I find I can only handle him in small doses..and for now, I'm fine with that. It allows me to focus on me more...when he's home, it's easier to get pulled in or at least my mind wonders more to wondering how he's doing, what he's up to... before I catch myself!

The part I struggle with is the laziness and slacking off at home in terms of all the stuff that needs to get done to run a home. I don't care if he sleeps all day and goes to AA at night - I just think, man, you're home all week long (no job) and you can't even phone the furnace company to see if we are still under warranty (cause our furnace only provides intermittent heat)!! Home all day and he can't even put his dishes away, doesn't put the laundry away ect.. He does take out the garbage every week though...without any reminders. It's sad how that has become something I'm recognizing in a spouse. It went from "I want an honest, kind, compassionate, funny, ambitious man with a great sense of humor" to - "well, my husband does take the garbage out yay for him"!

Does focusing on their recovery mean neglecting every single other responsibility that normal men and women have? I've been pretty lenient with this, but really what I want to do is yell and call him a useless lazy beep beep beep.

Your friend who went through this - was that friend in Alanon? Hopefully you can both focus on yourselves, change individually, then become a great couple together....with time. :)

Danielle

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post reminded me of my own early days of setting boundaries. I was either on the phone with an AlAnon member, at a meeting or here getting the support I needed to get healthy. My exah felt left out and disorientated because i was not following the normal pattern, but at that point I was sicker than he was and I had found my only way to stay afloat. And I experienced those emotions of wanting to be part of the emerging person during his rare times of seeking recovery, it hurt to finally see that person again and not be able to be as close as i wanted to be. I think patience and understanding that any new program or way of life takes time and practice to get it right.

i like Abbyal's point, I too would have rather had 20 minutes of sober time with my exah and spent the rest of the time working my program than having him all day drinking to myself.

Welcome, keep coming back!

Jen

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You made me think about how the disease is not just using a drug. When one goes into recovery, there are soooo many things they go through. I would imagine they don't know who they are anymore or what to feel if anything!

I would not take it personal. I would take it a little at a time. I was glad to just sit next to him. When he quit smoking...wow. yikes. Not so nice.

They have not matured as you have whilst they used. She is building a new foundation. It makes sense she relates to her other recovery friends right now.In fact I would be glad.

I sure know how you feel. But I learned to love people for how they are as they are. It is hard when it is your mate.

I am going thru some changes right now. My emotions seem kind of numb. But I just accept they are. If I had a mate I would need him to love me thru it. Allow me to just be me. Love me, and know I do love them, it is just buried way down right now.

Am thinking she is like a broken arm. Looks healed on the outside, but inside is still an open wound, not strong enough to take much on yet.

If you had a good relationship before, those feelings are more than likely still there. Just dormant.

If we can just love them, support them it will usually be so worth it.

Its like a cancer victum who has gone thru chemo etc. in a way. Now there are so many other symtoms to heal from than just the cancer. Takes a long time to heal.

Glad you are here! It will get better. Maybe keep it simple for now, look for the tiny, little things. Just be you, smile and be glad she is there.
What I wouldn't give...

hugs, congrats to you both, debilyn ps there are open AA meetings, and are ya getting to face to face meetings?

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Early sobriety is hard in its own way - a different kind of hard from active alcoholism, but hard.

For me, I prayed and prayed for my AH to get sober. I thought the booze was the core problem. If he'd just quit drinking, things would be perfect. I got an awakening when he did get sober. I came to understand alcoholism much more through the process, I think - the active alcoholism showed me the physical part of the disease. The new sobriety showed me both the mental and spiritual parts. It was a bumpy ride, for sure.

Have you read the chapter in the Big Book - The Family Afterward? This chapter helped me a lot.

ntxalanon · Veteran Member

I just read it. Some perspective for sure. Thanks for all your posts, I really appreciate them.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.