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Hi, I have lived with a husband who is an alcoholic for 15 yrs. Though I made it clear that I disliked his drinking, he did not think he had an issue and enjoyed it so refused to stop. Afterall, when he was young he was a D&A counselor so knew all the signs of an alcoholic and he considered himself a functional alcoholic, so as long as he was able to function at his job and his responsibilities, then everything was fine in his eyes. It was not until recently that he felt he finally got out of control. There was things he was doing that I was not even aware of....and some I was even though I never said. I will probably never know all. He told me 4 days ago that he felt that he had gotten to the point where he feels his drinking is an issue and decided to stop. He has talked about AA and joined an online chat with AA. He is of the old school and very private, intolerant of public displays of weakness in men and is already getting irritated with hearing the stories of alcoholics that have stories to share of hitting bottom to the point of being in the gutter. He is also noticing he is getting emails from women who see he has joined and have something more in mind. This is turning him off to attend online and real meetings. He thinks he can handle it himself as it was more of a "habit" than an addiction, but I feel he will need help. He has an addictive personaility, as do I...but is also very strong willed and once he makes his mind up HIMSELF, he can do anything he sets his mind to. I am the same way and I was able to put down alcohol about 10 yrs ago myself with no outside help. That said, there has been 4 times affter that that I have made the choice to drink, and was actually thinking about starting to drink wine with my supper again as I really do enjoy the taste- until DH decided to stop drinking. I now will not drink at all as I do not want it in the house to tempt him or him to think he can just have one drink with dinner. I asked DH what I could do to support him and he had no answers. I don't want to bring it up as if he is not thinking about it, I don't want to make him think about it. I asked my mom for advice as my father was an alcoholic (who actually got me started at 13 as I became his drinking buddy) who finally stopped drinking, but her only answer was she kept alcohol out of the house and occassionally would comment on how good he was doing or looking. Suggestions?
Hi, and welcome to MIP... In answer to your questions, I think the best thing you can do to "support" him is to seek recovery for yourself - posting here, reading great books on the subject, going to Al-Anon meetings, etc., would all be very beneficial to you, and ultimately for your relationship as well...
I see many red flags in your post - a 'drug and addictions' counsellor who self-diagnoses himself as a 'functional alcoholic'??? It is my belief that there is no such thing - alcoholism is a progressive disease, and IF they are "functional" for the time being (and that is often subjective), they typically will progress to where they are not.....
Similarly, the concept that his "strong will and personality" somehow makes him (and you?) believe he doesn't need AA, and that he can 'do it on his own'.... I think you'll find that a (very) small percentage of alcoholics can quit without the assistance of AA, but they aren't really becoming sober - much more likely to be "dry drunks", as they aren't dealing with all of the underlying stuff....
I'm glad you found us, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The bottom line answer to your question is ..Attend Alanon meetings. It is the single best thing you can do for both of you. Your husbands journey is his own. He may find exscuses, he may blame, he may minimize the disease. You have no control over any of it. You DO have control over yourself and your responses. Alanon offers support, tools and kinship. You will learn how to support you AH without coddling or enabling the disease.
We also have meetings in our chatroom if you'd like to dip your toes first. The chatroom is open 24/7 for open chat when meetings are not taking place. You'll find a link in the upper left of the page.
Again, Welcome.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Like the others have said the best way to support thier efforts is to have a program of our own ,the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change we do too .. and as for his excuses for not attending real AA all I can say is any excuse will do . what he is experiencing is what we call 13 stepping not a good thing but if he remembers that the choice to participate is his alone , all he has to do is stop chatting up women on line and stick with men in meetings , this program works .. often if the partner YOU seeks recovery in Al-Anon it encourages the alcoholic to follow suit. Louise
