The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I read posts and read the newcomers stories.....I realize how I have been in their places, how we have all been in their places.
A lot of us have married young......we have kids, we don't make enough money, or we stay home with our young kids, our spouses support us, our spouses develop these problems and then we feel stuck. We had hopes of having this wonderful family.....and we get let down. Addiction comes in and destroys everything we ever hoped or dreamed for. Its strips us of our self worth, of our hopes and dreams and we go year after year after year feeling stuck and sad and lonely.
Some of us have no way out, nowhere to go, no support system, and so we stay in these addictive relationships always hoping for the person to get sober and be who we know them to be inside. Our kids are young and we stay for them, because we believe it will get better. Suddenly....years down the road, we look back and realize how much time has passed and how nothing has changed. It's not until our kids are old enough or until we have somewhere to go that we finally stop living in the insanity and step out.
I know this is not the case for everyone...but it seems to be the most common. I wish we could all solve everyones problems for them, but we can't. All we can be is an ear and a shoulder to cry on for each other and hope that each of us indivudually will find the way to freedom and release from bondage of addiction.
I hear you and understand the situations that you describe. I know that alanon works and it costs nothing. The support, understanding, love, tools are all there for everyone. I believe that our program needs positive spokespersons who will attract families in need to this way of life.
I know when I was a youngnon working mom over 30 years ago , I found this program and it changed my life It is out there in most communities I do hope everyone who needs us can find their way to these powerful rooms
Everyone on these Boards who come and share are a strong example of how we are not alone and how universal this problem of alcoholism truly is. Breaking the isolation in any way is so important.
What a beautiful post. Each time I read posts, especially newcomers posts I am on a ride down memory lane. It is so easy to understand the positions people are in and the overwhelming emotions. I am grateful that AlAnon and all its members were able to help me find ways to be peaceful no matter what situation I was in. And I am grateful to be able to share bits of my story and what I needed in my toolbox not only because I know how much a kind word or shared experience helps but also for chance to exercise my program.
sdisnie, I am a newbie and you just described my situation perfectly. My AH admitted he has a problem recently and is trying to not drink anymore, we have 2 small boys, I can't support myself on my income alone so I do feel trapped. I honestly don't know if my AH is serious about not drinking anymore; I am just waiting for him to do "it" again (he has told me over and over he won't do it anymore-and I have foolishly held out hope that he meant it this time). I do love him, our 2 sons deserve to have him in their life, and I just can't make it (financially) on my own; so I continue on this rollercoaster ride hoping that somehow it will get better. You are so right when you said "We had hopes of having this wonderful family.....and we get let down."; this is not what I had in mind when were got married. I know the vows say for better or for worse, but really how much are we suppose to withstand before it is too much? After reading alot of the post here I realize that I am lucky in some aspects. My husband is generally a good guy, he is not violent, he does not cheat, and he CAN BE a really sweet husband and father, BUT he has "episodes" (as I like to call them) where he goes out with friends and gets drunk and even sometimes drives home that way. Before he goes to leave I ask him "Please don't stay out too late and please don't drink" He says "I won't" and comes home at 3:00am drunk off his a**. I know it is only occasionally, but still I have had enough of it. I know now that all I can do is focus on me and fix myself, but a part of me still wants to help him, maybe if I can make him see what he is doing he will fix it!! Is that wrong? Do I just give up trying to help him? I know my AH has to want to fix himself before he will actually do it, but is it wrong to want to help him see the light? Am I making it worse by trying to help? I just don't know what is the right move from here. Sorry I got off track. Thanks for the post sdisnie, it make me feel less alone when I read posts like this from people who have been there done that.
I agree with Floridawife; I was grateful for this post as it reminded me that I'm not alone. My AH's drinking may not be interfering with our life right now but I feel like I'm constantly on alert, waiting for the next 'event'. He still has issues with anger, dealing with work, problems with family, etc and those things cause a lot of stress for him so he has behaviors that I find unacceptable in our home whether or not he's been drinking. Really, I think I have to change how I respond with our without alcohol as a factor. That will be the biggest challenge for me. My son needs me and needs his father, too. I have no income and no future for a decent job in a few years. I just keep taking it one day at a time.
