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My husband has a problem with drink for along time now. But as years gone by its getting harder for me to deal with.He blames everybody else especially myself and my 11yr old mainly when he has to much and says horrible things to us.But he goes more mad when we fight back at him and he doesnt like it. My 11yr old has temper problems and wets the bed.We have got into debt twice now because of his drinking and doing gambing, which has made me leave twice but i have come back believing that he is going to get help but he doesn't.The first time i left i was working and got the kids altogether my 11yrs,7yrs,4yrs and went on the train but got half way and came back.Only because my parents would not allow me to stay that long and i dont have a good relationship with my mum.I have never had any money to myself as with having a joint account my husband has always control the money.Which my husband always made me feel that its his money when he was drunk sometimes i would get cross with him and I would say will you please get help.He would turn around to me and say I Don't Need Help and Its My Money.I could go on and on and write a book about my life. I was going to leave last week because my 11yr had a temper tantrum with my husband and then he got me involve but i always take my daughters side.As he was horrible to her.Which makes me so angry with him i slap him across the face which then i get so upset because he has made me do that.Then he goes upstairs and starts shouting at her.So i go up to help her.He didnt like it.Then he goes in the bedroom and starts putting all of his things in a bag.He goes downstairs and gets in the car which he is drunk and drives off. He comes back 1hour before work as he works nights,then he wakes up and is late for work. He says sometimes that someone who has a drinking problem doesn't go out to work and stays at home. My eldest is 17yrs when we went the second time we did stay at my parents but couldnt stay and went in a hostel which it wasn't very nice.We went back to him as he said he was going to get help and I believe him.The social services came to us as well and he put the wool over there eyes as well. But when we go through these situation he lies what he says or he has done. My daughter got the blame for us leaving the second time and my eldest and 11ys had a fight as my husband told her lies and she believes him.Which now he has made my eldest resent me because i supported her sister and not take her side.Which then i couldn't go because she reminded me of what it was like in the hostel. My 7yr seems to be okay but my 4yr old wet and poos herself but i don't know if it because of the way things are in the house. Sometimes i wish i was stronger and done the things to help me. I get so upset that for 20yrs of marriage i have been let down.I wish i could do more for my children but don't know what to do as even know my husband has a drinking problem am scared they will hate me. Please can anyone give me any advice.
"and we admitted our lives had become unmanagable"
That is the second part of step 1 of the 12 steps we work. And like you by the time I crawled through the doors of alanon my life was so unmanagable i couldn't believe i had sunk so low. I was lost, broken and pretty much hopeless. I think you may be ready to admit your life is right now unmamagable. Growing up in an alcoholic home and an abusive one I can tell you that I, like your children acted out. Your children are living in chaos they don't understand what is happining although they know whatever it is it makes them feel uncomfortable, afraid etc and they are expressing thier feelings the only way they know how. Pls find an alanon meeting in your area and possibly an alateen for your 11 yr old and start getting your life back. We also have meetings here online twice daily. Commit to taking care of you and your children and let your husband be what he is, get your focus off him and on you and your children. Your life can be so much happier, peaceful by learning how to take care of yourself. I wish you the best blessings
Aloha Lynn...That is the story of being affected by someone elses drinking and like many cases too it is the spouse. You are not alone in this...read back on the stories of the newcomers who have made it to MIP and see how similar your story is with theirs and ours. My wife was also my alcoholic...two people rolled up into one body...drunk and out of control often and at times sober as a judge. I also went crazy with it until I found the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups. It worked for me as it has for hundreds of thousands of others and so I'll suggest that you go to the phone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area and call them for information about where and when the face to face meetings are and ask also if there is Alateen (yes there is program for the teens).
You need to have the program with the fellowship and the literature and meetings so that you know you don't have to stay confused and crazy. That is an option not a default condition.
Keep coming back to MIP and there are online meetings here twice a day for you to attend with lots of recovering very wise members to support you. Continue to post. That is not a good situation you are in by any stretch of the imagination. Our stories are more similar than they are different so continue to come back here.
Thankyou for you replies it so pleasing to have support even when were not face to face. I would love to go to meetings in my area but it would be very difficult as i have no family support and friends were i live.That is why i find things so hard and trapped. My life is not very easy and am trying to think of away out for my sake and for my children. This morning he came in from work and was acting like a child whos had aload of E's foods.Before he took the children to school,he came in the kitchen and tried to hug me i refused and told him to leave me alone.He said that it was me who went mad at him and i just said grow up.I went to help my 7yr old as he was crying because last night he had a nightmare and was feeling tried and got really upset and started crying.I feel he is sense that am not happy and what happened last week.Then my husband took my children to school. My 4yr came upstairs with me to watch tv.Then my husband came back he came upstairs and tried to hug me again and i told him to leave me alone.He said are you going to leave me.I just said i just want you to leave me alone. He said stop being like that with me and stop being a grump. I said are you going to get help with your drinking,he said i don't need help i dont drink that much anymore.He said that he only drinks 4 cans aday which i said your lieing to yourself and me.Then because i was saying this to him he interacted with my 4yr old and asked her to you love me she said yes and then says at least somebody loves me. Then he going downstairs but comes back up again.He says that an alcohol is someone who can't get up for work and there clothes smell which his work clothes have and the bedding in the bedroom but he says they don't.He says he is nothing wrong with him and he is healthy and that he isn't going to stop drinking.I go downstairs with my daughter as he goes to bed.I go in the bedroom again to get her potty and says what have you lots i didn't say anything.He calls me a grump. I just feel he plays mind games and makes me feel that i am always in the wrong and that i am imagining how many drinks he has or he says he drink less.He makes me question my own mind.Which makes me just hate it.I feel am going around in circles and i can't stop.xx
I am so sorry that you must deal with this disease without support. You have found a resource, this MIP Board, and all the members who have walked in your shoes and know the pain of living with alcoholism.
Please know you are not alone and that the interactions you describe are destructive ways of communicating. Al Anon tools will give you constructive means to interact with this disease without being destroyed.
Please do not engage with the arguing about how much he drinks, if he is drunk etc. Focus on yourself and children. live one moment at a time, Pray for guidance, come here, post, read, join our on line meetings, and live chat.
The disease you are dealing with is relentless. We learn to disengage from it and turn it and the results over to a Higher Power.
I was a fall down drunk and still never missed a day of work. Most alcoholics are this way. I also didn't think I smelled like alcohol, but people did tell me I did every now and then and I just wrote it off. It was literally painful to read your post here.
It is so classic of the damage that can be done by an alcoholic, rageaholic father/husband. The bedwetting and incontinence your children have are serious signs of psychological trauma (I know. I am a child therapist). Something has to change in order for your children to feel safe. Even if he doesn't beat them or you, it sounds like there is a lot of arguing and discord.
I would do whatever possible to get to some Alanon meetings. The longer you stay trapped and don't make friends or support of your own, the longer you will be without options...You will not be able to envision a different life because you don't interact with other people who live differently and who are not trapped in the situation that you are in.
It is not healthy for you to have no friends, no support, and to be so unhappy. That is not what a marriage should be. Your kids deserve a happy mom so please do whatever it takes to make your life and theirs more peaceful.
Thank you for your post. It echoes so much of my own situation, except we don't have kids, although we had been trying and I thank my HP it never happened. My soon-to-be-exAH used the "I don't smoke as much as i used to" and "I don't drink as much anymore" excuses all the time and also tried to paint a picture of what an addict looks like, i.e. a junkie with a needle in his arm. every time he said "i'm not drunk!" as he slurred in an obnoxiously loud voice, it just showed how he was in complete denial... he also made me feel like i was the one with the problem and why couldn't i just leave him alone. or he'd point to my drinking wine or "you're the one who...(fill in the blank)." anyway, thank you for allowing me to see myself and my situation more clearly and that i am not alone. I am praying for your strength and healing and for your children. take good care....
I've been a member of AA for about eight years now. I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. I wish I could give you an easy answer to solve it. All I can base my situation on is my own experience with the drink. First, it sounds like your husband is still in the denial stage of his drinking, and that his life is becoming more and more unmanageable due to it. That sounds very familiar to me. I think you should leave him, at least for a while. It would be safer for you and your child, and it could be the thing that gets him to finally realize that his life is out of control due to the drink. If and when he ever does enter the program, he can list in his step one that he had to lose his family in order to realize that he needed to find a way to stop (unfortunately, that's the way it has to happen in some cases). I myself nearly got a divorce because of my drinking, but I was able to go to rehab and get myself cleaned up. I'm betting your husband, when he's not drunk, is a kind, thoughtful person.
As they say in the program, "everyone else can see the spot on your forehead except you." I pray that your husband sees the spot on his forehead that is alcoholism and finally gets it.
