Struggling!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Lila Frost · Member

Struggling!!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome sweetie. Dealing with the insanity of alcoholism is too much for most of us, you are not alone.

If you re-read your post, you can probably see that you are powerless over alcohol and your life is unmanageable. But there is hope. I found it when I committed myself to sitting among the people who had been through what I was going through. They had smiles on their faces... and they showed me how they coped with alcoholism and found their serenity despite it.

There is a Power Greater than the disease of alcoholism, and that is the power that restored me to sanity. It can happen for you too.

Change what you're doing today, surrender. Let go of the struggle, the thinking and worrying about your mom, you can probably see that it's not helping you or her one bit. Instead, look in the yellow pages for al-anon and make the call to find out when they meet. Grab a chair there and let the group help you through this. It does get better, I promise.

You never have to do this alone again. I'm so glad you are here with us. (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 16th of January 2011 11:40:12 AM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lila, welcome.

Sorry your Mom has the disease of alcoholism and its causing you pain.

Alanon would help you understand that its nothing to be embarassed about and you didnt cause it. Detaching is not about turning your back on your Mom. We detach with love and its something we have to practice and learn. It is a family disease in the sense that it affects you all.

I think your ready to surrender this struggle like Glad Lee said and Let Alanon help you and your family.

You will get the support you need thru this philosophy called Alanon. Please join us.

Luv, Bettina

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I would ask myself, has anything I have done so far worked?

I had to learn when I went to work, all I thought about was work. It was a relief. When I was home with kids, I was there 100%.

Have learned that Al Anon skills work with other situations. Back then I was struggling, a widow with two teens all their friends, working full time and going to school full time. My son was a mess, drugsetc back then.

As simple as it sounds, being where I was helped me. I thought about ok I am here in class, I see the prof, my books, my pen, taking notes. smells like an old house, gum, I can hear the birds outside, I feel the chair I am sitting in.

Bring yourself to where you are I still use the word Stop in my head if I wander where I dont' want to. If I think of the A and the trials, I sayd stop and concentrate on where I was and what I was doing.

It has to be so hard it being your mom. Hon it does not matter what she says or what she does. She is very sick. Her mind is not thinking normal at all. Its like trying to rationalize cancer or diabetes. It's a disease.

We wish rehab was the answer, when we first start seeing how horrible it is, we try to get them to go. But sadly it is not an answer. They have to want it.

We can give ourselves a break from the disease. Its ok. If we don't we will go down too.

I remember someone telling me years ago to,"Drop the Rock." Its sad it is someone we love, but we have to take care of our life.

hugs,deb

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Lila...Things are normal with you and the family for the disease of alcoholism.
Screwed up is normal at this stage and the family has to heal along with your Mom.
a .447 BAL is not far from terminal especially for a woman. By the grace of God the
coroner wasn't involved. While she is in rehab get the family together and learn as
much about alcoholism as you can. As for the town and the secret. It isn't a secret.
If she has been drinking for a while she knows and the family knows and the town
knows. Leave the telling them to her later on. Alcoholism isn't a moral issue it is
a physical allergy with a mental obsession; it is a disease. Check it out with the
American Medical Association and the National Institute of Health on the computer
and other involved institutions of which there are tons. This is about the largest
Health issue anywhere around the world and AA and Al-Anon is everywhere you go
so you are not alone and the problem isn't a secret. Relax and see if Al-Anon is
close by for you and the family and then go for yourself to the face to face groups
and get and read as much literature that you can...Lots of it is free.

Keep coming back here also because there are members here with years and years
of ESH...Experience, Strength, and Hope that you can have for free.

In support (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When a person is really ready to recover, they won't care that much about keeping secrets. They keep secrets when they are ashamed. People are ashamed of active drinking and not of doing something about their problem. Your dad sounds like he could use some serious alanon because he seems to think the problem is just going to go away magically as long as she goes to some meetings. It is that type of enabling that got her to this point of the disease. Also, Honesty is the principle of the first step so if she is still so intent on "saving face" and lying, she isn't getting the program at all and she is highly likely to relapse.

If she has progressed to sneaking drinks in the woods and drinking the same night she is out of detox...she has a SERIOUS problem with alcohol and she is going to die unless she gets this program soon! I am not trying to traumatize you further, but I just don't want you all worrying about keeping secrets and so forth to the point that it is too late.

Your mom probably needs months of rehab...not just 1 month. I am speaking as an alcoholic who went down this progression myself. I used to think I was fooling everyone. Furthermore, I used to think everyone actually cared that I was alcoholic. The people your mom needs to care about her are in AA...not the rumor mongers in your town that have nothing better to do than talk about people. Who gives a crap about them? You can always move but you cannot reverse Cirhossis and the inevitable progression towards death that is going to happen if you mom doesn't get into recovery.

My prayers are with you.

Lila Frost · Member

Thanks to all for your support. I feel frustrated when my mom acts like she is just taking a vacation. I have a full-time and a part-time job. My part-time job is at the same place she works and they think she is away because my grandmother is sick. I'm constantly put in a bad position because of her lies. I just avoid people and their questions but it gets hard. I do not like being in a position where I have to lie and I won't. People do know or suspect anyway. My concern is that she is not being realistic about how bad she was and will be shocked and overwhelmed when she gets home from rehab. She has no idea how she was acting in front of people so she thinks the only way people will know is if we tell them. We have tried to tell her about times that she was around people crying then laughing and smelling like alcohol. She says people couldn't tell cause she was drinking vodka and that doesn't smell. What she doesn't realize is that when you drink it like she was you can smell it. She said if everyone finds out she will have to move. I finally just stopped talking to her or my dad about it. My sister said she spoke with her this morning and she sounded better than she has in a year. I hope that she is finally taking it seriously but she lies so much I am skeptical and exhausted. She hasn't called me in a few days and I haven't tried to call her. I just feel like I need a break from it but this makes me feel guilty. Is this normal?

reqforpeace · Newbie

OMGosh! Yes this is normal...When you talk about needing a break, that is exactly how I feel. I have two young children too and hold a job. Luckily, i have my sister to help and its funny..I was thinking the other day that we've both been going through this for the last five years continously. Its gotten to the point where we know each other so well that we know when each other needs a break without a word. So we take over for each other..trying to keep up on him, call the sherrif for well visits when we feel the need. Dealing with this is exhausting..I actaully have chest pains from the stress and its just not good. I go in waves where I care too much and I'm calling the house and he doesnt answer, days go by and then im calling the sherrif for a well check. ( i'm 13 hours away from him )
Then there are days where I just dismiss everything, because as you say, you need a break.

I've not found much that helps. I do pray about it and try to give it to God...other times i want to control it and it doesnt work. I have not tried alanon meetings yet. You might want to give that a try. For me, its feelings of guilt that maybe i didnt try hard enough to get him different help..and maybe that will always be there with me no matter what i do. My dad will tell me straight out, "you cant help me, i have to do this myself."..but it still doesnt make it easy.

She needs to accept her problem and REALLY want to get help..otherwise like you said, it will be trip after trip to the ER and hospital stays ( feeling safe, being fed and cared for ) till they are released and the whole viscous cycle starts again.

Maybe take the others advice and find a alanon meeting so you can learn to deal with things from the start. Im sorry that you are going through this but like I've found, there are so many caring people here that understand. Good luck to you and 'TRY' to take care of yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.