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I ended it with my husband last night. He didnt believe me when I told him that I didnt want to be married to someone who has to stay high all the time. He thinks I have found another man. I have not. He accused me of taking his daughter away from him and asked me to leave him alone as he was mourning the loss of his daughter.(meaning by ending our marriage that he would never see his daughter again) I am staying busy today because in dealing with him for the last few months I have let my house become a total wreck and I have been trying to get him to want a family and want this marriage. He blames me for everything and I know that I have done some very stupid things to try to get him to stop. I feel so beaten down. I feel like I couldn't save him. Like my love was not good enough. Even worse is that my daughter doesn't have a father. He manipulates and guilts me to the point that I start to believe that he really doesn't have a problem and why couldn't I just accept him and deal with it. What has made me go back to him is the fact that I think that it really isn't so bad and that I am over reacting and that my daughter needs her father. I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I want to live for myself and my children and go one day without thinking about him. I'm angry too. I'm hurt. Accepting him and his disease is very tough. I just pray for the strength to make it through. I know now that pity is not love. I felt sorry for him and for some reason thought it was my responsibility to take care of him. Here I am hurting and afraid, and he probably sits there and doesn't think twice about us. Just needed to write this. I guess I will get busy doing the much needed housecleaning and laundry. Thanks for being here. I also must find a way to deal with the guilt of his children who will not be able to see their sister. I have taken that responsibility and I don't know what to do about it. It is fearful for me to think of the resentments of four stepchildren and their father who think I am evil because I don't love their father anymore and am "taking away their sister".
-- Edited by kath on Saturday 15th of January 2011 04:47:33 PM
I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this right now. I know you are doing what is right for you.
Your love was perfect. Don't second guess yourself. And don't let him make you feel badly. He will make every excuse in the world for why you left him, excluding the real reason.
When I finally had enough, I called my exAH at work and told him I would be gone that night with the kids and that he needed to be gone by the next day. His version was that I had kicked him out. That was almost 5 years ago. He has been sober and working a tight program for 4 yrs now. We are now dealing with the craziness of our 17 yr old son, and the exA is getting a bit of what he dished out. Actually, I don't think he even realized it until one night last week when he was expressing his hurt and anger over my son's behavior in regrds to him doing what he wants to do regardless of what we request,ed that he was being a "monster.".. At that point, I pointed out that he acted just like that and that I lived with it for months. He seemed enlightened. Then, just the other night he sent me a text saying, "You did the right thing when you kicked me out and turned your back. It was the right thing to do." Maybe he really gets it, maybe he doesn't, but I know for certain that he definately did not get anything before this point,.
This go-round with my son is tough (and admittedly different), but I am so much better able to deal with al-anon behind me. I'm really working on staying in the moment and releasing the shame. While there is much I could have done better in both relationships, I am not the primary cause of dysfuction.
Remember, everything changes...
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
This is truly a horrible disease.. baffling, cunning, and powerful. There is so much to learn about the disease and how it has affected everyone around it.
I relate to your post and your feelings and story. I am here struggling with these things myself- some times better than other times. As many terrible things my exha has said and done, I love the man who is buried under the addiction. This is also despite that my exha's disease progresses and continues to fight for it's survival and growth- as he (his disease) has found legal ways to engage with me. I'm struggling (again) to steer out of the mire.
I'm glad you have the courage to take steps to make decisions you feel are best for you and your children. I know it is one of the most difficult things that I have had to do.
I am not sure if Alanoners can truly understand the disease the way those addicted to, or the way we would like to, but focusing on ourselves and working the Alanon tools does improve our lives.
I am so sorry you are going through this. But know this... if Love could cure this disease it would be cured....even if hate could cure this disease it would be cured. You did nothing wrong, your love was good enough but his disease couldn't accept that love. This disease protects itself at all costs...A's lose thier families, thier jobs, thier homes, thier freedom yet the disease is immune. For some one or more of those things will make the A hit bottom, for some thier is no bottom. i do know your husband despite him playing the blame game or manipulating, lying etc loves you and your child as much as his disease will allow. if he was really allowed to feel the pain he has put you through or if any A could i believe that also would be a cure. It is a cunning, bafflining disease, no rhyme or reason. I do know a's are in incredible pain and they drink or drug to make that pain go away. and we are powerless. Now it is time for you to take care of you and your children. Get to meetings, taking care of your health, doing for you and your children whatever that looks like and move forward with your life. You certainly have our support and love Blessings
I'm sorry. The feelings of loss and guilt were tremendous for me and I get scared of feeling anger from people who are important to me. The best way I found to deal with my own feelings is to work on myself and be the best me I can be. The people who can find a way to understand do eventually. And those who won't I have no control over. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Kath, you are so very brave. Hugs! It does say at the beginning of the alanon meeting that most people can't handle living with active addiction. I think they mean it when they say most. We are not superwomen who can handle everything. Take care of you :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
kath, There's truth in the saying "Pay attention to your gut feelings". You'll be OK. Try to remember you aren't responsible for everyone else's feelings. You can't change that either. Everyone will learn to cope in their own way.
I wish you strength, christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
(((((Kath))))) had to read and re-read and remember my experiences on the topic of "I ended it". Out of the program I thought I ended it and inside of the program I ended it and then ended it again and again. When I truly ended it I turned myself over to the program and my higher power because what I was supposed to end were my actions, reactions and poor decision making and negative consequences of them. I ended it when I learned how to and then practiced surrendering to my HP. That is what I still do because on a daily basis there are things about me that need to be ended. Keep coming back. In love and service (((((hugs)))))
I read your post and though, Wow. It was almost like I wrote that myself. I left my AH 2 times and always went back. Now, the 3rd time I left it was for good, we've been divorced now for 4 months and it has not been an easy road AT ALL. I doubt myself daily, I wonder if I took the eary road out. But my turning point, was I woke up one morning realizing I was on 2 different antidepressants, I gain 40lbs, I was irritatble and when I went to work. I did want to go home at the end of the day. I wanted to run away, drive off a cliff anything but go home to him again. What I do know today..is Im learning to laugh again, losing weight, I dont take any more medication. I still struggle with guilt. I know he really loved him..as much as he could. I get a tons of text msgs a day from him. But I had to do what I had to for my own sanity and the sake of my kids sanity. I had to be selfish for once and think of me. I think it will get easier and it will for you too. If your happy your daughter will be too. Hugs!!
