Compassion - Al-Anon Family Group

stephaniej · Senior Member

Compassion

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

((( Stephanie ))), I'm sorry to hear you mom's health is deteriorating. I can understand that - just found out yesterday that my mom has something wrong with her liver from drinking. I don't know the details because she hasn't told me. In any event, I understand how rough it is to have a sick parent. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with that right now, I know it's tough.

Unfortunately, getting compassion out of the A is like going to the hardware store to buy bread. An active A does not have the capacity to give what you're wanting. That doesn't mean that you can't get compassion, just may be more likely to find it searching elsewhere. You will certainly find it here, as well as in the rooms of AlAnon.

So glad you're here,

Summer

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Steph,

Alcoholism is a selfish disease. I like to say a "them" disease. It's all about me "them". The disease doesn't allow them the capacity to have the compassion we sometimes need and expect when we are going through tough times. Alcohol is always #1 in the life of an alcoholic, a fact we have to accept.

I'm sorry you are struggling and you deserve understanding an compassion. You know the story about going to the hardware store to buy bread. They don't stock it. We have to look for other sources.

Steph, I offer you my understanding and compassion, and my ES&H would be to lean on your program, talk to HP, call a friend in the program and read your literature.

Here's a Big HUG,
RLC

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

((( stephanie )))

I am so sorry you are going thru all this.
I know it all seems so overwhelming right now and just asking for simple compassion from your H sounds reasonable.
Unfotunatly we/you don't deal with a reasonable, rational disease. Totally the opposite this disease is irrational, cunning and baffeling and even wanting the simplest things from our A's just isn't possible.
I truly believe if your husband had the compassion to give to you he would and if he could show you his love better he would, but his disease just doesn't allow for it.
I am not sure there is anyone more emotionally unavalible than an A, not just your A all A's. And that is one tough pill to swallow.
Pls know that you have my compassion and my prayers that you are able to stay strong, work your program, and find some peace within you.
Blessings

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Stephanie))))

Ditto to everything the other posters said.

It is difficult to not have or develop expectations. Thankfully, we have each other and there is plenty of compassion here.

Glad you are here.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Stepheanie

I am sorry that your mom is ill and understand the pain of which you speak. I found that asking for what I needed helped.

Years ago when my sponsors suggested that solution to me, I was so angry I thought after all He should know how to be supportive and know what I needed

My sponsor indicated that he was not a mnd reader and that I should try asking. I did and it worked.

Coming here and calling alanon folk helps as well

Praying for you family.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

For me b4 program - I was their best cheerleader, always ready to support them to any length - yet I abandonned, ignored, ridiculed and avoided myself.

I would encourage you to work a solid program and learn to focus on YOU and give the others in your life the respect and dignity to sort out the consequences of their own lives.

When we love others, it is not our job to approve of their choices/lives - in fact that is none of our business - we need to detach with love and hand them over to their HP's/god and practise faith by doiong what is healthiest for us as individuals ~ whatever that means.

Serentiy and happiness are inside jobs. Oh the days of when that used to infuriate me bc I didnt have it. Today I can laugh joyfully and know that every choice I make supports my recovery and my health. Others have to be honest with themselves and do that for them.

I know that this may seem cryptic, I was trying to sort through all of the early suggestions too - and it seemed all too easy to even be workable or true -- the absolute truth is that we all create our lives, one moment and one experience at a time. If you feel hopeless, helpless and truly are sick of how you are feeling - surrender all of yourself to the HP of your understanding. Begin to accept reality and not resist/fight it. It works much easier when we can merely accept life on life's terms.

I say give the loving compassion to you right now, fully embarce yourself and fully comfort yourself. The greatest gift of all is to accept the self. I tried to fight me for 39 years - bc you dont win - the same old patterns are tried and true - to yield the same results of misery and pain. We have all tried it - we all know that controlling another human being does not work - yet when you fully embrace the powerlessness and begin to work on just YOU and not them, the resentments begin to fall away -- and for once you are being acknowledged by YOU.
If u are hurting or insulted, no one cares if you dont. Learn to stand up for you and you will gain the self esteem and the self resepct will come back. It is a process, let the love (and respect) begin with you. Welcome to the journey of self discoery! It gets so much better and you are worth the hard work! kcb

When we forgive us, we find true freedom and when we accept the love from HP that ignites within in the palm of our HP's loving embrace and willingness to compassionately forgive us all - exponentially, enthusiastically. It is a risk that we all must take individually and its the greatest thing I have ever done. And it has transformed my life, continually as I practise forgiveness in action. It took me a lot of prayer, surrendering and willingness to. I prayed for it and it came, I think sincere prayer is extremely effective.

Ive learned that whatever I am willing to freely hand over, HP will take it from me. I like to use that technique and hand over the negative feeelings when they are present. I cant say please rid me of this or unburden me - bc of free will- when I say I am freely handing this over, receive it from me now - that is more effective, I have to be ready to put down my pain/suffering - its a control fallacy.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.