Alcoholic vs. Alcohol abuser - Al-Anon Family Group

sdisnie · Senior Member

Alcoholic vs. Alcohol abuser

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I've often wondered the same thing. My mother swears her dh is an alcoholic and I asked her why she felt that way. She said it's because he needs a drink every day. She had to set boundaries early in their marriage that if she smelled alcohol on his breath when he came home from work, then she'd cut him off and tell him he's not allowed to drink at home that night. And, yes, this worked for them as her dh has admitted he needs help controlling his urges to drink. Yet, she still lets him drink even though she thinks he has a problem? But, he doesn't get drunk and he isn't abusive or have rage issues, etc. He just likes to drink daily. I didn't see this as a problem, honestly, but she has labeled him.

ythannah · Senior Member

My understanding is that the label of "alcoholic" really doesn't serve much purpose outside of a clinical setting, and that it's how the drinking affects US that matters.

Alcoholic behaviour can exist (and have just as much negative impact on family and friends) in someone who doesn't drink, so actual alcohol consumption isn't a good yardstick. And alcoholism can outwardly look quite different from one individual to the next; some, like my ADad, seem to have no visible consequences. His drinking never got all crazy and he always showed up for work the next day, but he was a nasty abusive cruel drunk all the same.

When I was much younger, freshly out of my A parents' home, I avoided all drinkers like the plague. My theory was that anyone who drank had the potential to become an alcoholic in future, so I was best to stick to non-drinkers. This sort of evolved naturally anyway, as I was a non-drinker myself, so the hardcore partyers were avoiding me too. aww

At the same time, I was conscious that I was a bit overly sensitive to levels of drinking that other people wouldn't have any problem with. However, I openly acknowledged that as my personal threshold for tolerance of drinking in others -- it was kind of an early boundary, before I knew what boundaries were.

To make a long story short, my belief is that I get to define for myself how much drinking is a "problem" for me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Seems like it still is a problem to you even after cutting it up into smaller pieces.
"Alcohol affects everyone it comes into contact with". It's okay to just turn around
and go somewhere else. It really is okay. I no longer have to brain whip it as it
was once described to me that I was doing. Keep coming back..this works. (((hugs))) smile

ms621 · Member

I've experienced both sides of this. During my teenage years, my mother was an alcoholic in the sense that you mention you went through. Binging for weeks on end, going through over a half gallon of vodka a day. It was chaos, I honestly prepared myself to find her dead one day. This went on for about 14 years. I'm thrilled (for myself and her) to say that she has been sober for 5 years now and she has never felt better. I went to Al-Anon for a year or so during that time, and it helped.

And now, my husband on the "alcohol abuser" end. I don't know if my past experience with my Mom has made me more sensitive to my husband drinking every day, I guess I will never know. I never thought of going to Al-Anon because, in my mind, it wasn't as severe as my Mom's alcoholism. In fact, I wasn't sure I could classify him as an alcoholic, and for some odd reason thought I had to classify him as one before I could go...LOL. Then I read that it's for anyone who "is affected by someone's drinking."

So I guess my two cents is that, as long as someone's drinking bothers you, it doesn't matter whether they're an "alcoholic" or "alcohol abuser." You're going for you, not for them! :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I think that in my recovery, I have discovered that the label of "alcoholic" doesn't matter. What matters is how I feel. I don't walk in anybody else's shoes and nobody else walks in mine. It's impossible to compare what level of drinking might affect me versus someone else. The good thing is that Alanon is not one-size-fits-all. There doesn't have to be a particular amount of alcohol consumed to qualify the family members for Alanon.

sdisnie · Senior Member

I agree with it all relates to 'anyone who is affected by someone's drinking" However.....we can say this for anything in life...not just alcohol. By anything that drives one crazy.........hmmmmm, i can go on a whole different level with this!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience a persons own unique personality plays into it. Not all people who have a drug problem are mean, abusive, cheaters etc.

So as you stated, it is individual. All circumstances are different. Also there are different levels of addiction. If a person has a lot of past relatives who were or are A they have more markers to be predisposed to being an addict. Some A's are much sicker than others.

Like some people don't have to take as much insulin as others, or someones cancer is a kind that grows slower.

Addiction is not just one level.

Also maybe the people you have been around are not as destroyed inside yet. Take a healthy person who eats well, exercises, etc but uses, they may be taken apart slower than one that is already in a weakened condition.

My A was secreative about his using. If I went into another room he would not follow me. If I told him to leave he would. When I learned Al Anon skills there was no reason for him to rage. I would not engage.

But I learned here at MIP how some cannot get away from their A. They cannot get them to move out or do anything.

I know for me, I think back how everyone did drugs drank, pills, all of it. 60's

Over time, it was very clear who had addiction problems. Then when people turned 50, many died from the abuse that was put upon their bodies.

Also we can be addicted mentally to things. But once we quit the drug or whatever, get passed the mental part, the physical part is not there.

for instance I could drink everyday for a week, then off and on as I think I need it to have fun, to loosen up. But then realize it is a huge problem and just stop. An addict cannot do that without a recovery program, AA etc MOST times.

Remember addicts have more symptoms than just using a drug. I consider alcohol a drug. using is only a symptom.

Well I hope my useless jabber helped ya.

good question. love,deb

member922 · Senior Member

This is very interesting to me. I have a friend who is a self proclaimed alcoholic. He says he can't drink at all. When he does, it turns into day after day of blackouts etc.

I myself will usually have a couple beers when my kids aren't around. I don't have to and there are free nights when I don't. I went through a period where it was a problem, drinking more often then not. I functioned fine, but it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't and I know it now.

I have no idea where to draw the line by definition. I just know my own self. And I know I didn't like who I was. Whether that classifies me either way, ???.

Interesting topic.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Makes perfect sence to me as it really dosent matter how much or how often they drink what matters is how it affects us when they do , Al-Anon is about us for us - and as for those other people you used to chum with no one knows what goes on when they get home , pleasant with others make wifes life hell so until we live with someone we just dont know.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

My belief is only the alcoholic/addict can label themselves alcholics or addicts.
We come to alanon because someone elses drinking/using is affecting thier lives negatively.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.