The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Nothing can be more demoralizing than a clinging and abject dependence upon another human being. This often amounts to the demand for a degree of protection and love that no one could possibly satisfy. So our hoped for protectors finally flee, and once more we are left alone - either to grow up or disintegrate."
This is so ultimately true in my life right now. I have tried everything before now, and even 10 years of therapy didn't help. Only, just little old quiet and helpful Alanon has helped me see the light of my own stuff. No one can satisfy the love I seek, only my hp and I can.No one can take away the pain I have suffered but my HP, and me acknowledging that pain is what starts that process. I need to feel it, inorder to deal with it, inorder to heal from it....
I know this now, I am learning to apply it. When I focus on me for even a minute, and my pain from my childhood, it hurts so badly. I instantly cry the minute I focus. Which is why I have not ever truly done the focusing. Which is why step 4 feels so daunting.... So those I cling to and take hostage... the ones I think will protect me... eventually either I realize its not good or they leave for their own addiction. And I am left with me again, who is a person I haven't yet learned to love and barely accept. I am working on not disintegrating right now.
My sponsor is of utmost importance while I am on this journey. Without her I will get lost and stop this progress. Just this week I was embaressed about my situation that some of you may have read about. I didn't call my sponsor for a day because of that. She helped me see the next day that its ok to call her anytime. My own sickness/disease/alanonism made me think I had to hide from her. I don't. I need to tell her and make sure she is in the loop so she can help me see my own sick thinking. I was on the brink of feeling suicidal again because I felt so down and out about everything.
When I got back on the phone with her and told her EVERYTHING, she helped me get back on my recovery path. Her and I are talking about step 4. She knows what went on in my childhood. She knows its daunting. She said I probably need to cry a lot. I am sure I do too. When I focus on me and that means truly and utterly focused on me, I feel better and can get back to where I was. That focus hurts, and feels good. Its a good hurt that I know will one day fall away and only the good will stay. I will be a phoenix rising up from the ash...
I realize this is long. I just needed to say that I have a plan b now. I have a face to face meeting 2 blocks from my house that I am going to go to this Saturday. I have my sponsor and my HP and I have you guys. Thanks.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
This reminds me of -- getting to the place where I could take that leap of faith and accept that I am okay, wonderful, all I need to be right where I am and embrace, love and accept me for who I am in the moment right now, not who I perceive myself to be. Who I feel I am is a spirit that is one with the creator and that I deserve love and respect.
It had to begin with me being loving and kind and gentle with me and deatching with love from other's issues and life choices. Not asking questions helps me to not control and micro manage and it keeps me from judging them by what is healthy for me.
It is "daunting" but it is also empowering!! It is new behavior and the new brings up fear, just reminding youself of that, that this is a new place to be in and its all different and it is natural to be scared - helps to know that, then get back to focusing on what you can change and control. If the worry over takes you, genuinely pray for them and give them over to their HP's.
The shame grows when we isolate and keep it in, sharing is so freeing, keep doing it and getting it all out. Take it easy on you too, take extra special gentle care and know that living with active addiction is challenging in the best of circumstances and triggers us and we must focus on us or we lose us to the disease and our old behaviors and thoughts again take over.
I read lots of hope here, you have the message and you know it works when you do all you can to work it. So glad to have you here!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
(((sunflowergirl))) You are on the right path. It sounds like you are willing to work on you and having a sponsor who is willing to help can be very powerful! Good luck to you on your journey... There will be tears, but they are so freeing also, like they are cleansing your soul. You are never truly alone, we are all right here, cheering you on. Peace to you.
Awareness applies to many aspects of the Al-Anon program. One of them is the feeling of not being alone anymore. When you know MIP, f2f meetings, a sponsor, and HP are always there for you, it's a feeling that's hard to put into words. HUGS, RLC
How strong you are! You confided in somebody to the utmost. Thank you for speaking openly about how it is helping. I was always afraid to face my past and I am getting to that point now in therapy. I have never done the focusing either. Too scary. You are very inspiring and very brave. I hope I can follow in your steps.
Many of us are in hurry up mode about our childhood. I have a very abusive background on some levels I don't expect to ever completely recover from it. Therefore I don't have the pressure of thinking there is some magic wand to make it all better. On the other hand I am the expert about what I need to do. My doctor can tell me all he wants about the need for sleep and more. If he grew up in my household he wouldn't sleep either. I don't need to spend a lot of time trying to make him understand. The bottom line is that I understand, I know what I need and I can do things to make myself feel better. I'm no longer in the boat of denying my childhood at the same time I don't allow it to swallow me whole anymore.
