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Hi everyone! I am new to the whole Al-Anon thing; I have read some things and want to go to a meeting but haven't had the time YET. I was hoping maybe someone would be able to give me some advise or share their experiences with me. Here is my story:
I have been married 8 years (with my husband 13yrs total) I am 32 yrs old. We have 2 sons -1 is almost 4 and the other is 10months old. My husband and I have always had our ups and downs but for the most part been happy, for the past 3-4 years we have had major issues. Mainly the last 2 years he has been going out with friends to hang out (drinking) and staying out really late, coming home drunk, or saying he couldn't come home yet because he has had too much to drink. We have fought over this more times than I can count. I kept saying "enough, if you do it again we are done" or pleading with him to "not do it again". I have questioned him asking "if he truely wants to be with us as a family or if subconsiously he wants out" he always swears that he loves us and can't imagine his life without us, but then he does it again and again and again. In February of last year he was arrested for DUI (his only one so far-luckily). We fought the charges and actually won but since he refused to take the Field sobriety test or Blood test the DMV took his license anyway and as a result he lost his job. He got his Hardship license and has since started working again (I have to admit he is a really hard worker), but the occasional "nights out" keep happening. Neither of us really thought he had a drinking problem because he doesn't drink everyday, we don't even keep alcohol in the house unless it is a special occasion. But when he goes out with friends he drinks too much. He always promises not to drink too much and to be home early, but very rarely does he actually do that. I began to realize he had a drinking problem and he actually admitted it the last time this happened. He came home TRASHED and to make matters worse he drove! I was furious, I told him "next time he wanted to be a dumba** and go out and get trashed to call me I would much rather come and get him then for him to drive like that, that he is lucky he didn't kill himself or some innocent person". He got really down on himself, cried, and called himself all kinds of stuff. Before this last episode, I swore to myself that if "it" ever happened again that he was leaving and that I was done!!! The last time was when it finally sank in that he truely does have a problem. I just don't know how to move forward from here. I am afraid if I do kick him out he won't have any reason to fight his drinking problem, but I know if I keep saying "if this happens again you are out" and I never actually kick him out I am enabling him. Right?? Fiancially we are still struggling to get caught up from when he was unemployed, I can't pay the bills on my own-I work full -time but I just don't make enough money. I love him despite everything and I want to help him, but I am also extremely angry and resentful with him for doing this and continuing to make these horrible choices. I feel like if the kids and I meant anything to him he wouldn't continue to do this to us. I don't know how much more of this I can handle!!! I just don't know what to do from here. I know I need to go to an actual Al-Anon meeting, but I work full-time and have 2 young sons to take care of. I can't really depend on my husband to watch the kids, because the hours he works. He only has 1 day off a week. I am going to try and go to a Saturday meeting soon and have a family member watch the kids for me. I am so angry, resentful, and frustrated. I have no patience for his moodiness and irresponsibility. I don't know how I should handle him or our current situation.
Sorry to ramble on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
floridawife wrote: I feel like if the kids and I meant anything to him he wouldn't continue to do this to us. (((Florida)))
Your husband's drinking has absolutely nothing to do with you and your children. I am sure he loves you all very much. It is never enough to make them stop drinking until if and when they realize that they are sick and tired of living like this. Please try not to take it personal and by all means try to get to an Alanon meeting. Also, read as much as you can about the disease of Alcoholism. You will soon realize that there is nothing you can say or do to get him to stop. That doesn't mean he doesn't love his family it just means that this disease is much stronger than him.
Please keep coming back here to read and post. We all know the pain you are feeling. You are not alone.
In Al-Anon we don't give advice, only our experience, strength, and hope. What has worked for us.
The disease of alcoholism takes control the mind, body, and spirit of the alcoholic. It trump's anything an everything in its path. When the disease takes over it comes before family, friends, jobs, and health in general. Best described and cunning, baffling, and powerful.
Spend some time reading prior posts on the Miracles In Progress site. Read the responses from members who have offered their support, and understanding to others like yourself. Learn all you can about this disease. There are meetings here twice daily, the times caan be found by clicking on the link at the top left of this page. All this will be great for you, but nothing can replace face 2 face Al-Anon meetings. Try to find time, because f2f meetings will be a life saver for you. You will be around other members who are walking or have walked in your shoes. They will understand you as perhaps no one else can. You will find a new loving family just as you have found one here on MIP.
Nothing you have done, and nothing you will ever do, threats, begging, pleading, crying, pouring out alcohol, nothing, absolutely nothing will change your alcoholic. We only have control over ourselves. He has to decide on is own to seek help, and that will only come when the pain the disease has caused is greater than than the desire for the next drink.
"We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable", is Step One in the Al-Anon program. By admitting we are powerless over the disease, then giving up and giving in to a power greater than ourselves........our Higher Power, we allow the alcoholic in our life to find his own way in his own time without any interfrence from us.
We become as sick or sicker than the A in our life without realizing. Al-Anon will show you how to put all the focus on "You" and not the alcoholic in your life. We need recovery from the disease as much as the alcoholic. This program will give you the tools that lead to recovery. It's proven and tested. It works when you apply it to your life, and you life will get better, not overnight, but one step at a time. In Al-Anon we learn how to be happy whether the alcoholic in our life is drinking or not.
Keep coming back and posting. Please start attending f2f meetings in your area. Most important Melaine, your not alone anymore.
HUGS RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 13th of January 2011 01:14:25 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 13th of January 2011 01:18:36 PM
If you have spent any time on this board you'll know plenty of us have been in the same position. A few years ago I was totally depended on my then A boyfriend. I had no job, no income and no where to go. I joined this board and started working a program. That was how I went on from there. I started using the tools of al anon, detaching, focusing on myself and working on myself. The irony is that it did help me to "cope" and help me to focus on what I needed to do to take care of me.
I can't recommend highly enough the book Getting them Sober (available from one of the members here).
Thanks everyone! I am trying to read through some of the previous posts. I have read several post talking about books that are recommended. I have heard about "Getting them Sober" and "Courage to Change" quite a bit. I will look into getting them. I am planning on attending an actual f2f Al-Anon meeting, it's just really hard with my hectic schedule. In the mean time I will read up on stuff and go from there.
Good for you Melaine. The disease has caused you pain and suffering, mentally and emotionally. Start taking care of yourself first. Put the focus of yourself. Follow what others have suggested here and you will start seeing changes for the good. You deserve it. I'm proud you are taking the first step in your recovery. It only gets better.......one step and one day at a time.
When I was around your age, maybe a little older and started reading about alcoholism from the Alanon literature, I was amazed and surprised. Til then I didnt know what I was dealing with. I didnt think Alcoholism was a disease and I didnt believe that if they didnt stop it would get progressive. Surely that cant be so.
My XAH is a prime example of the disease of alcoholism, but only they can admit that, we cant do that for them. I do know that if its affecting you then Alanon is for you.
26 years later I made the decision to part from the husband, 4 rehab stints, detox, dui, mandatory programs, er rooms and more near death experiences were enough for me. I have been with the program for over 20 years. It is a process, like the alcoholic, we dont recover overnite. Alanon is not a quick fix, but its a great beginning.
I never did give up hope that the xhusband would find sobriety. Today, he is two weeks into sober living, after being jobless for 2 years, he starts a new job today. This is is one big , enormous, humungous miracle and another chance at a new life. He deserves it, he's been to hell and back. We both deserve to be happy on our path and journey called life and so do you Florida. If you practice this program there is no reason you cant find serenity and peace.Please come back and share your experience with us.
Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 13th of January 2011 03:50:35 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 13th of January 2011 03:51:20 PM
