6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm back. Question about confronting

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

my ESH is: yes it is true you cannot control another adult ~ only YOU. The boundaries have to be around YOUr own behavior. They are for us and not for them. It is a device/tool that can protect us and help us to also - give them their own dignity and respect that they will work out their own problem in their own heads. We cannot talk them straight and when we do confront them, then they are in an argument with us - it is a fight, it is no longer about what we are discussing - all they know is we are telling them they are not "tright" or "good" or "ok" the way they are now. It means we are telling them they are not worthy and they already feel worthless and loathe themselves.

If we are affected by their actions, that is something we can change - our reaction and how we handle things. We all have such deep control fallacies, the only control we do have is over us and us alone. Best way to help an A is to work ur own best solid program and fixate on the one u can change - dont stare at them and thier issues. Individually we ahve to face our own issues within and in spirit. It is a part of our own human walk in life.

Besides, love does not require that we agree with each other. We can agree to disagree and we can love and not approve. They dont need our approval anyway!

I added the info below as it is what I used to set and follow through on boundaries that have changed and affected my whole life!

FACE IT: Become aware of the thinking/behaviour that is a problem

TRACE IT: Try to establish where you think it comes from and why

EMBRACE IT: Accept that you did the best you could with what you had at the time but it no longer needs to be that way. Forgive yourself.

ERASE IT: The thinking/behavior no longer serves your best interests. To erase it, ask God to remove your shortcomings. Refuse to participate in the same thinking and behavior patterns. You may 'slip' from time to time but thats ok, it's a process and it's about progress not perfection.

REPLACE IT: Nothing exists in a vacuum therefore if you remove something you need to put something else in it's place. Where possible fill the void with Gods love. You can replace negative thinking/behavior with positive, healthy responses. Use the tools of the program. Sometimes we try something new and it doesn't work out for us, that's ok too, just try something different.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too. You can have emotional, intellectual, physical, sexual, spiritual, social, professional, financial, familial & marital boundaries.

I add this bc that is what happened to me a few times in dealing with my parents: I made my first boundary that I would not visit my mom if her AH was there. Then I would visit her but if her AH began to abuse me emotionally - then I left. After about a year, I had detached so much from his behavior, that I didnt need to leave anymore bc his words had no power over me, I no longer believed them - I could detach from him entirely & he couldnt hurt me anymore.

liam · Member

Hi Bonnie, thank you for reaching out iy helps me to not feel all alone like I'm the only one going though this crap. I been working the AA program for 10 years now, and in Alanon for a little over a year. I know how tough it is, on both sides. Although I know so much about alcoholism, I still fall into the trap that my agf is just a bad girl, and that if she loved me, really loved me, she would just " get right ". When the emotions are putting the screws to me, I cant see clearly, that for the REAL alcoholic its not about good or bad, love or no love. Its about being sick. A physical, mental, and spiritual illness. I shared here yesterday that in two days my agf might pick up a 30 day chip. Well this morning she was on the bus from the co jail because of alcohol related crap.She is not a bad woman, she is a sick woman. That does not make it hurt any less. Thanks to Alanon and what I know from AA, I do not have to suffer along with her, if I choose not to. And today I dont.

I really liked what Kitty shared here, and one day at a time, little by little, I am implementing those things in my life, and things are getting better for me. If I didnt know the facts about alcoholism though, I dont know if I would be handling it as I do. If your husband is not just a drunk, but in fact an alcoholic ( which your description sounds like to me ) he is not a bad boy who just doesn't give a damn. In fact, its most likely just the opposite.

here is a little piece out of the AA Big Book from the Dr opinion, that might really help to under stand what we are dealing with..I heard somewhere that knowledge is power.

xxvi	THE DOCTOR'S OPINION

We believe, and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve.

Frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives.

If any feel that as psychiatrists directing a hospital for alcoholics we appear somewhat sentimental, let them stand with us a while on the firing line, see the tragedies, the despairing wives, the little children; let the solving of these problems become a part of their daily work, and even of their sleeping moments, and the most cynical will not wonder that we have accepted and encouraged this movement. We feel, after many years if experience, that we have found nothing which has contributed more to the rehabilitation of these men than the altruistic movement now growing up among them.

Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience

THE DOCTOR'S OPINION

xxvii

the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.

On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules.

This is only a little bit of it. If you want read more, here is a link to the whole book.
http://www.whytehouse.com/big_book_search/index.asp

-- Edited by liam on Thursday 13th of January 2011 12:35:56 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you're going through this. In my experience, it doesn't really matter whether you tell him about your boundaries. The only reason not to tell him might be this. If you tell him that if his drinking comes first (however you define that), you'll have to separate, and then he does put drinking first, and you don't follow through on your promises to yourself, he'll know you don't really stand behind your promises. But I'm not sure that would materially affect things.

My experience is that lying comes with the territory. My AH hid his drinking so well that no one would ever guess. He carried those tiny airline bottles in his pockets. You say you're together 24/7, but are you with him in the bathroom? When he goes into the kitchen to get another helping of something? When he gets up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? My ex was taking nips all of those times. I had never realized how sneaky a drinker could be. I came to find out that lots of other people found their drinkers were doing similar things. As they say, drinkers do what they do: they drink.

So as they say: he's going to do what he's going to do -- what are you going to do? While you're assessing it all, learn all you can about alcoholism on these boards, from reading, and from going to meetings. Find a meeting that's right for you and work on your own recovery. That's how we strengthen ourselves to make the best choices and to deal with whatever comes. Hugs to you.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I sat in the car with the ex A too many times when he was using something and put my life at risk. Your child is your responsibility. If you even have a hint that he is drinking you should put a stop to the driving with the child.

Maresie.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

So, would anyone like to suggest whether or not I should say something to him? I have been tempted to just send him an email that states the facts: 1. I know he's drinking still. 2. I know he hides it.
Hmmm, can't think of anything else, LOL!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

He hardly ever drives with ds. Our son is 12 and sometimes can stay home alone, too. Whenever we go out as a family, I do all the driving as I get carsick if I'm a passenger no matter how far I'm going.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I do empathize with you. I know how addiction is ~ it runs rampant. An A cannot take one drop - they get set off in their own disease -just like we do when we try desperately to save them from themselves. We can only fix, control and change us, not another adult.

I sat in lots of open AA/NA mtgs and they all have told me the same thing - confronting an A does not work and it wont yield the outcome you desire. As long as you are attempting to cajole, control, direct, manipulate, direct, finese any sort of an outcome - it is a control fallacy and it is manipulation.

You say at the bottom, how to help ur family move forward - you do that by lovingly detaching from the choices he is making and make healthier choices for YOUr life. The truth is you do not owe each other, you owe it to yourself. Your AH does not need for you to approve of his life, he does need loving support. So do you you and it must start with you. Allow him the dignity and space to figure it out in his walk of life.

I am sure he already knows that you dont like it or approve. The A is dealing with their own issues and painful reckoning.

I would say look to your motivation/s - why do u want to tell him that you know he is a liar - all A's are liars - what would it benefit you to say that. Why not just accept reality and who cares if he thinks he is smarter then you or getting over on you. You know the truth. Now what does that change for YOU right now?

is it better to be right or be happy? Took me a long time to reconcile this question for myself and until you do the ego will allow you to suffer and suffer in its - own personal and slanted position. What is healthy and nurturing to do for all involved (and YOU too!). That is what I would say to do, do what allows you to feel self respect, self esteem and that wont hurt others to be honest about. If YOUr truth is not about you then it isnt ur truth and it isnt yours to share or air or worry about. All that means is ur feeding your own disease and distracting you from being the very best and thriving you that you can be by focusing on another's life choices.

Our lives are a consequence of the choices we make - it is not personal, it merely is. I would say that confronting an A is a waste of time and it wont change a thing. Taking their disease and making it about us, is our sickness that we must face. We can change, we can take an action that is healthy for us right now!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Kitty, I needed to hear what you said today. You're so right, I have to stop making it about him and focus on me. Luckily, we are a pretty tight family despite the hidden drinking. We all play tennis, hike, play board games, do home improvement projects together, and we have a good life. I have been really good the past few months just focusing on the good times and enjoying the time we spend as a family and I try to forget about the times when I know he's been sneaking around. Most people would say we have the life: hardly no debt at all(except a mortgage), we drive nice cars, and even belong to a country club yet I'd trade it all just to get us back to sober(not just sober from alcohol but from all his behaviors related to his past: anger, depression, rage, etc).

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson