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I will try and keep it brief. Been with my partner just over a year. He was having a tough time looking after his terminally ill Father when we met and I put his drinking down to that. Wrong! Long story short he went into rehab in the Summer and did really, really well. So proud of him and what he achieved. He went to AA meetings for a while but then stopped as he said he felt that he was no longer getting anything from the meetings and was happy with life.
He is self employed and in November I discovered that whilst working at a propery he owns and rents out he had been drinking. He denied and denied but eventually he told the truth. Since 4th Jan when I returned to work (anniversary of his Fathers death) I have suspected that he has been drinking again and he has again denied it and denied it. He's not been drunk but I can tell when he's been drinking. Yesterday he was "working" at his rental property again and I knew he had been drinking. Finally last night when I told him on the phone NOT to come back home until he could tell the truth he admitted it all. He denies its vodka but I know it is.
Love him dearly and he is a wonderful man. Never nasty or violent but he just looks sad when he's had a drink. He lost his licence 2 years ago and is due to get it back this year so last thing we need is for him to fall off the waggon in a major way.
What do I do. My trust is totally shattered in him now and of course he's telling me thats because I have "trust issues" with men. Laughable really as hes the one telling me the lies.
Any help as to which direction I should take now would be much appreciated. I intend on visiting my local al-anon group this coming Sunday evening for support as I am totally shattered at the moment.
My heart goes out to you. Your story as a familiar one to everyone on these boards. The lies are the hardest. Right now (after 17 years of marriage) I'm moving out. My AH swears he will never drink again...but take it from me, he will. IT DOES seem like your boyfriend is trying. AlAnon helped me face my truth....and learning to distance with love helped. Good luck
Thank you. I do believe he is trying and I will do what I can to support him as I have done right from the start however I will not become an enabler. I want him to succeed but right now I want him to tell me the truth about things. I feel such a failure that he cant talk to me but I guess its the way it works.
I hope everything comes right for you. Must be incredibly hard for you right now.
Looking back if I had even suspected my A would go back to drinking I would have used all kinds of threats and pressure tactics to MAKE him tell me the truth. I spent lots of time doing things like that to try to control situations.
My A quit his AA program recently. I am grateful I don't have to worry about it today. My time is spent on myself and what works for me. The threats will not work, as they never have in the past. I can't control this situation or another person, so why try. After adopting this way of thinking my life is much better.
I used to hate it that my A would lie to me. I would spend so much time trying to figure out why and fix it. It really was simple that whole time. He is sick with the disease of alcoholism and lies to everyone, not just me. It has nothing to do with me. I QTIP-Quit taking it personally.
I went to therapists in the past, read all sorts of self help stuff, but the only thing that helped was Al-anon. I never knew before I was dealing with effects of the cunning disease of Alcoholism.
My program allows me to not just live, but thrive. I am at peace no matter what is happening.
I understand your words about wanting to support him. I wanted the same, and getting myself to f2f meetings made all the difference. I am so much stronger now to be able to support myself, my children and my A.
thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it. I havent been to any al-anon meetings but intend to start this coming Sunday when there is one in the area where I live.
I cant live with someone who lies to me. I went through years of that with my ex and it just makes me feel worthless and pointless.
I look forward to my first meeting on friday and starting my journey back to me!
Sorry to be blunt here, but it sounds to me like the only way your A is "trying" is that he is trying to keep the wolves at bay (you included), by lying and hiding his addiction.... I don't say this judgmentally, just the facts.... He is doing what active A's do - his #1 priority is to protect and stay in his addiction....
That is the bad news... the good news is - there is always hope.... In a nutshell, when we get ourselves better (typically includes Al-Anon, and/or a program of recovery for US), and we start to grow in both our understanding (of his disease) and our clarity on what is and is not unacceptable behavior, they often come to a crossroads as well, and either choose sobriety (hopefully the case), or they nose-dive....
In my experience, trying to get an active A to "be honest regarding their drinking", etc., is often a futile effort on your part, and your focus and energy could be put to much better use....
There is a great old saying in our program: "he is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you, and choose recovery for you.... You will be amazed at the results.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Get use the lies, until he is professionally detoxed & clean & sober!!!
You can NOT fix him.
When you tell him to quit drinking, it is no different than telling a heart attack patient, (during a heart attack) to quit hurting. Or yelling at the patient, that they would not be having a heart atttack today, if they wouldnt have ate the biscuits & gravy for breakfast.
They are sick inside, YOU CAN NOT FIX THAT!
They must get to their bottoms & his bottom is NOT your bottom!
Your the only one, who can fix you. Go to alanon. If you dont like the first visit, remember there are other meetings to try.
Like a friend to me, your sick with a cold, none of your friends will go to the store & buy medicine or vitamins for you, YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FIX YOU!!!
Sometimes wives can be the worst ENABLER to them, without thinking we are. It's in our souls, to be a MOTHER. It's part of being codependent!
TIME FOR YOU to get fixed...You cant fix no one, except yourself!
A's lie, never thought my husband would ever lie, cheat, or steal from me... BUT HE DID! :(
