Mr. Recovery got a DUI - Al-Anon Family Group

pamommy · Member

Mr. Recovery got a DUI

member922 · Senior Member

Kudos to you for holding strong. I don't have any experience with either of those choices, but I just wanted to let you know that you're doing great.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi My partner is in rehab has been there for five months. It has been hard at times but it has also helped me to realise that although i love him we are seperate.

I did not ask him to go to rehab he chse to go and to which one. Since coming into al anon I am trying to look at my life and make it more manageable rather than managing his. Somedays I do better than others.

You do not say if you are attending meetings, I wouls suggest that if you are not that you start to. My partner has been in AA for two years and has slipped whether he is drinking or not he is still an alcoholic. He is just leaving the rehab and has decided to go to supported accomodation. I would have liked him to come home but he knows he is not ready, he needs to focus on his recovery. They do not get better over night and early sobriety can be very hard to live with. thanks to al anon I am trying to put the slogans into practice live and let live , I live my life and let him live his how he wishes. Let go and let god I cannot fix him, in fact I get in the way.

The best way I support my partner is by fixing me
take care of you and hand him over to his HP

hope this helps take what you like and leave the rest

-- Edited by Tracy on Wednesday 12th of January 2011 06:07:44 PM

clep · Senior Member

I remember when my A went to rehab. I was there to aid in the process of where to go. We finally decided on a place, he went and relapsed shortly after for a long period.

Looking back part of the problem was that it was not productive if "we" decided anything. The disease was his, the program was his too. I was not the person to guide him at all, his HP was.

Later on it was not very pleasurable to hear that I chose the place and forced him to go. I didn't know what would be best for him. I can speculate but in the end, I really didn't have a clue and still don't.

Blessings

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((pamommy)))) the only thing I can offer from experience is that it was the women
like Tracy and Clep, their ESH, unconditional love and compassion and suggestions
which saved my life and sanity. They never once (I don't think) ever had to bare
their teeth or claws to get me to do my choices differently. ((((hugs)))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

When the alcoholic is crying and confused and asks for guidance, hit him with AA Material and tell him I know something that will help you. If he really wants help and takes it great, if not, its his misfortune, again.

For most of my married life with the XAH, I always drove. I wouldnt even get into his car. It took him 24 years to finally get caught drunk driving and the a DUI that cost him total about 30,000. when it was all done. I just made sure the liability limits of insurance were high so assets were protected and trusted my HP when he was driving. I even reported him to the Police once , but thats difficult for them to track them down and I shouldnt have been interfering.

I would let him choose the rehab, but if he is really serious about his recovery it wont really matter will it. Good luck and hoping for the best.

Luv, Bettina
(oh and too clear up my statement, I didnt mean to literally hit him with the AA Material, although I know it would feel good, lol)

-- Edited by Bettina on Wednesday 12th of January 2011 07:45:24 PM

liam · Member

Hi Pamommy, This alcoholism business is so confusing. I sometimes dont know where to draw the line between helping someone I love and destructive caretaking. I know a few things though. The accepting in the serenity prayer does not mean I accept the unacceptable. But for me, when my emotions are putting the screws to me, I cant even see that clearly. My sponsor told me," when I have a good idea I should call him and tell him, and if I had a really good idea I should come and see him." In my experience, treatment centers dont work. They might dry out and give a point and a push in the right direction. But they almost always prescribe AA. I have friends that went to treatment and there comment on that is that they got a $10,000 big book and had to get to AA to do the deal. I paid for my agf to go to a 28 day recovery house in vegas that has been around for over forty years. I did that, almost two years ago, and she might take a thirty day chip in two days. This alcoholism thing< whether its active drinking, or the codependent side of it , is like dancing with a gorilla in a cage, the dance aint over till the gorilla is done dancing, the trick for me is , not to get back in the cage when i get out..
lots and lots of meeting, be it Alanon or AA, read the books and when the book says to do something, do it. , get transparent about YOU, and help give it away to someone else. We say: trust God, clean house, and help others. I got sober in AA 10 years ago, and I have been in Alanon for a little over a year, and I wana tell you. it was easyer for me to kick the booze and get sober and find peace, then to find my way to peace after suffering from alcoholism living with an alcoholic. But I'm on the path, and though it does not feel like it sometimes, God gives me a glimpse of the progress I have made and that it really is a little better..
Keep coming back.

-- Edited by liam on Wednesday 12th of January 2011 08:21:06 PM

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

You say "we" are considering between two facilities. In my experience, better to let the A make the decision about when to go and where.

I pretty much pushed my A into rehab 3 times in a very short period. After each one, he got drunk within a week. I don't say this to be discouraging, just pointing out that in my experience, my "helping" him into rehab did not help because he was not truly ready. When he wanted to get sober, he did it without rehab, with the help from his AA family. He says now that rehab is an artificial environment ... not so hard to stay sober in rehab with someone watching you every second and having a set schedule that someone else forces you to adhere to. When you get out, life is still there.

I guess my experience is ... when my AH really got sobriety, I was not a part of his recovery solution.

Just my .02 - take what you like and leave the rest.

Keep coming back - good to "see" you!

pamommy · Member

Thanks everyone... I will leave it up to him tomorrow after his assessment. My choice is that I cannot live with him this way. I was a wreck while he was driving home from work tonight. It is more insanity than I can deal with, I just can't do it anymore. I love him- as in "love is a choice" not as in romantic love at this point- and I want to see him get better, but I value my sanity more. If and when he is sober and healthy, we can live together. So he can choose to spend our separation in treatment, or choose to spend it living elsewhere, all I know is that it won't be with me, at least not as the status quo.

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Pamommy, My AH is in rehab right now (was in detox before that) His choice, but he was following the advice or recommendation of his sponsor. His sponsor said to him (after he passed out at work and spent the night in the hospital after almost dying from drinking too much) that "AA isn't working, this is not working for you, you need more, go to detox to dry out and think straight, then consider rehab".

So, AH listened to him. I did not interfere, simply said, "I trust your sponsor". AH said he did too.

The 28 day rehab he's in in government funded so it's free.

I'm not sure which is better or more effective, in patient or out patient, I think, based on research I've done, that there are pros and cons to both, but ultimately it depends on the A, how serious is he, how committed is he, how bad does he really want this, is he ready to surrender and be brutally honest???

Does your A have a sponsor?

I'd let him make the decision. If he is serious, he'll look into it and decide what's best for him.

((hugs))
Danielle

KimmyJo · Veteran Member

Just went thru the same thing. Mine got an evaluation at the outpatient center. (Which I disagreed with). As he was driving to his first appointment/class, he called me and asked me what I thought. I told him to call his sponsor, that I can not support him as a wife, I could only support him as a friend, and being a friend, I suggest that you call your sponsor. (Now keep in mind, I would of liked to duct tape him up and drug him behind the car to the rehab center)

Here was my thoughts: He tried AA for 19 days, it worked, then failed. I then went thru living hell...AA did not work for him nor me..

He did call his sponsor, his sponsor suggested to him that a 28 day rehab would work much better for him. He turned around the car, went and checked in by himself!!!
(This mommy didnt have to do it for him) YEAH ME!!!

He has been there 1 week. The past 2 days has been family day. Where you sit in a circle with 10 other families & the A's. The children got to speak to their parents and tell them, what the A has done to them. The wives/sister, aunts,friends got to do the same. It was 15 years of ME that finally got to unleash the hurts, pains. Class was over...The next day, the A's got to tell their stories back to the families.

Wanna talk about a emotional ride..WOW!!! The stories of others & the hell they have lived thru, made mine look like a cake walk. But the sadness, hurt, pain, and all other feelings, were the same....

The patients (the people who use mind alterating substance) all said they have been in and out of treatment/ recovery centers, but NOTHING like this one.

We as the families, watched educational movies, listened to lectures that helped us understand the disease.
The patients, during the 2 days, got educated on us.

I would say, after what I have learned the last few days, there is more to the disease than just needing a spiritual guidance. Some of the patients, have been diaganoised with other issues, that need medical attention. Like bi-polar, ptsd, depression.
If they dont get those treated, they will never stop drinking. Wishful thinking!

I myself, have been educated alot over the past 2 days. I am enjoying the PEACE of 28 days by myself and got to tell my AH that today! Awww what a relief!!

So to make a long story short. Let him find it. Your not his mother! (Chief Enabler) (Codependent)

Remember, did you marry a man or a mouse? A man can pick up the phone, a mouse can not....

WORRY ABOUT YOU!!! (easier said than done, but practice, practice)

And I would like to mention that some of the patients did say today, they DID FAIL REHAB the 1st, 2nd, 3rd time, BECAUSE their B--tchy wives made them go there!

So dont set yourself up for a 100% FAIL program that is going to cost you $10,000.
Let him do it!!!

KimmyJo · Veteran Member

And I also learned...Each center is different.

Just every A is different.

Your A is the only one who knows how much he drinks.

They never tell the truth until they get sober.

Each A drinks different amounts, different flavors..

Even the days they dont drink, they are not sober....

Only until HE GETS SOBER, will you really know, how much he drinks...

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Why dont you ask him which one he wants ???

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I have shared before in my experience, the longest, strongest recovery program was by ones who new it was a lifetime change. They went to rehab for more than 3 months. Some go for a year, whatever it takes.

I have been told by more than one A that 90 days is not enough.

I know if it were me, I would rather be inpatient. Then they have constant monitoring and help all day and all night. Its not just learning not to use, it is soooo much more.

Its almost a breaking down and building back up to be the person they want to be. I just don't see how one can do that with out rehab.

This is my experience. They are very sick, it sounds like he tends to hang on you. So it may be very important for him to be alone to learn to take care of himself.

I am so glad he is making this decision. You going to meetings and coming here will be so helpful.

love,deb

clep · Senior Member

Are you getting to meetings? I can really identify with your feelings as I used to feel the same way. I was guided not to make any major decisions until I had been in the program for six months to a year.

In that time the insanity subsided as my skills grew in the program. I gained serenity and the only part of the situation that changed was me. I was amazed then and am grateful today.

Blessings

pamommy · Member

He went to the assessment yesterday and gets the recommendations today. I told him it was his decision and he should discuss it with his sponsor, and he had to think about what was going to work best for him, where he would be healthiest. Not to do it for me, because there was no guarantee our marriage will be salvageable even after treatment.

It finally sunk in I think that the DUI wasn't the problem it was the DRINKING and driving that was the problem. But who knows, not my issue. My issue is I won't live with the craziness or a drunk driver. We'll see what he decides, and I'll make my decision from there. He knows he may need to go live with his sister for a while.

My chuckle for the day (cuz you have to laugh, ya know, or you'll cry), when I said something about him going to AA meetings drunk, he said it was only like 7 times. That was in a three week period. lol

pamommy · Newbie

Well, I was hoping not to have to be here again. AH did go to outpatient rehab, did really well for a while, but we all suspect starting drinking again about May. Of course he denies and we haven't actually witnessed anything. We just KNOW. I honestly don't care if he drinks anymore. It is his choice, and mine is that if he is really drinking to not live with him. I had a reprieve when he lost his license for 60 days, because he didn't have the freedom to buy any alcohol or go someplace to drink it.

Anyway, he just got his license back one week ago, and there have been three days I suspect he was drinking, after it being every two weeks or so before. My issue is that I don't want in any way to be party to his driving drunk and potentially hurting someone so I wish I knew and could stop him. But I have accepted I can't. I hate the lies, deception, and crazy making so I don't ask him any more.

Anyway, is it typical for a relapsing A to quickly escalate? I just want to know for sure one way or another and be done before I hate him.

PS I had deleted my profile when he was on these forums and just recreated it.

-- Edited by pamommy on Saturday 22nd of October 2011 12:39:41 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson

The chains of habit are too weak to be felt
until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson