The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In my life, the state of my mental well being is directly shown by how well my house is kept.
My house is a wreck today.
I am afraid of what the future holds for me. There's so much to know and figure out...sometimes I really just want to give up.
So why don't I?
I guess this is the time to really turn it over to God, isn't it? I can't do this...so You do it for me. I just have to stay quiet and listen for His directions, and then act on them when I hear what they are.
I think it would be easier for me if I didn't have two little people depending on me entirely, or if my family hadn't chosen to move an hour away. Then at least I'd have a little support. I feel entirely alone.
My fear is such that it makes me not be able to be there for my kids. I'm here in body, but I'm not much of a mother. Everything is so raw inside me I can't enjoy being here with them, and that makes me even more sad.
I know that the current situation we are in is my own fault...I only have myself to blame. I have sabotaged myself, and that's what brought me to my knees and into these rooms.
I've learned a lot already, some life skills that I didn't have before, but for some reason I've backslidden a bit in the past week. Perhaps that means I need to work a little harder on my steps with my sponsor. I'm not sure.
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. If it helps to know, I have been right where you are. I understand feeling like you are alone, not there for your kids. It is not the truth. The truth is that you are here and you are never alone. I know you are on the right track by just surrendering to God, Step One. Your post made me realize that when I want to just really give up, then that is when I need to work steps 1 2 3. I have backslidden as well. And what we say to each other is progress not perfection. I am like you, I feel like my house is what I feel on the inside. There is a lot of clutter!!! I must learn to stop being so hard on myself and learn to be kind to me. If the house has to be messy, then so be it!! I am sure you are a wonderful mother and your kids are able to depend on you. Just know that you are loved and that you are never alone. Keep coming back!!
My house too is a reflection of my intermost struggles. About 6 years ago it took me till Easter to get my Christmas tree down! This was a direct reflection of the chaos that was going on in my home at the time. Today the Christmas tree is down and the lights are off the house (Jan. 12) but some of the ornaments are still sitting around to be put up. Progress not Perfection.
I also know the temptation to think "I'm not a good mom". I can come up with a dozen examples of why I'm not, if I try real hard, probably 2 dozen! lol It's just like when I do a 4th step, it's easier to come up with my 'short-comings' than it is what's 'good' about me. When this happens I need to write a gratitude list.
You hang in there crafty...you got the right idea, Let go and Let God...He'll get you through this. I'm pulling for you!
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
I just wanted to say that I am struggling with some of the same issues. The worrying about the future, taking care of the children, and my parents live very far away as well.
We will be ok. Serenity prayer, eh?
I know you will pull through. I wish you strength!
So my day went from bad to good (spoke with my sponsor for over an hour) and back to bad again. Talk about backsliding....
My parents called and throughout the course of this phone call I found out that my daughter's father had been invited, with our daughter, up to my parents' house to celebrate my daughter's birthday. My parents did NOT invite me, or my son. My feelings are SO hurt that I immediately confronted my father about it. Not the right thing to do. I should have calmed down and sent an email when I could be more rational and not spewing my hurt and anger all over the place. My birthday is a week after my daughter's and now I"m absolutely sure that there's not going to be any dinner or anything. Which just hurts even more. I'm an adult, I suppose I can take it, but geez, really?
To add insult to injury...5 minutes after I finally got off the phone with my father, my daughter's father called because my parents had called him. WTF?! They all say that they're trying to do what's in daughter's best interest, but it really feels like they're ganging up on me. And leaving my son in the lurch, to boot.
I'm even more drained that I was before, and I feel a lot of fear that they're going to keep making trouble for me. I feel exhausted and beaten down.
