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He just get's NASTY. And then I get nasty back. The verbal abuse he flings at me triggers everything in me from my childhood and I show little self control - engaging in an argument and trying to defend and justify. So, so down on myself.
Going to read on here and hopefully read about some detachment.
Wish I could bite my tounge. Really do. But he hurts with his words and hurt people hurt back....
I haven't mastered that one yet. There are times when I am able to walk away, and then there are times when the old me rears its ugly head and just lets him have it. He gets nasty and so do I. We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. We can rise above it. It is hard when they know how to push our buttons. I have made amends to my husband for the way I spoke to him, regardless of whether or not he apologized, just to "keep my side of the street clean". Then I work real hard not to go there again in a verbal battle. One suggestion given to me was that they were just the ramblings of a sick person. Another was that it was the disease talking, not the man. Glad you are going to read about detachment. Progress not perfection!! Glad you are here!!
Thank you so much. I try to remind myself that it is the disease or say to myself "this is not him" - but it's happening more and more and I just feel like a little hurt child inside. (Yes I am in hurt, victim mode this morning). I really want to adjust my attitude. But I feel like just giving up - but then what? Even if I give up on the relationship - then what with my life and my daughter and this unborn child? I have to go on anyway without this insanity.
My pride and ego take over when I am being criticised or verbally attacked and I lose my self control, respect and dignity. This isn't a good example for my children and it could happen anyway in the future whether with my partner or not. In fact it does in other areas of my life when I am stressed or hurt. Yes, yes I do indeed want to deal with this issue and yes I do need to make amends for the hurt I cause whether the other apologises or not. Thank you. What else to do but keep trying?!
Talking with my higher power I thought about how this argument started and it was because he took a break to his brother's house (there was drinking there) and I had an overwhelming situation for me happen in regard to my own family and I called him and he wasn't emotionally available for me - and he did actually try. And when I realise it - I attacked first because a) I didn't accept that he was drinking - it is what it is - whether I think he should have been or not and b) I expect someone who can't handle his own emotions to help my manage my own instead of taking responsibility - he did listen - he just couldn't fix what I was going through, he even gave good advice. The next day he did verbally abuse me back - but I do acknowledge and admit who started this. And only I can do the right thing if I choose - to apologise for my part.
We are not living on this planet to be physically or verbally abused if were not the ones that provoked it.
My Father was a verbal abuser, mostly at my Mother, my Mom didnt rage, but she could hurt like a little viper, then my Dad would be off on a rage. I always wondered why my Mom just didnt dissapear when he started. To show him , that every time you start with your rages and verbal abuse, I dissapear, then there will be no target.
The XAH wasnt a verbal abuser, but would like to start arguments and would keep pushing. I would address it "I can see your trying to goat me into an argument, but Im not buying today" and would walk out of the room. It takes practice, to not get involved in the emotion of it. To be consciencely aware that we are living with an alcoholic. The terms of marriage are different. We must protect ourselves.
Hayes my question is why would you call your husband who is at his brothers house where there is drinking going on and talk over the phone on what seemed to be a delicate issue for you.
I dont know if you read Jerry F. post "I didnt know that I didnt know" , its says it all. If you read it, you must read it again. It is our denial that causes us the most problems. Was it really about the problem that you called him or like I use to do, I will call and maybe this time he wont be drunk. What are our motives.?
Only you would know if you owe him a quick apology. An amends Im not quite so sure.
Nobody can fix us or our issues, they can be sympathetic, maybe your expectations need to be more in balance.
Keep working the program, my sponsor use to stress that you need to take 5 minutes on awakening and really meditate on the day. She even made me choose one of her crystals to hold in my hand. Not that there was any power in the crystal, but to pick an object that helps you to take a moment to relax and make that conscience effort with your HP.
Bettina this is really good advice. Sometimes I start it - sometimes he does. I am aware that we are both verbal abusers and by God do I want to change that for my children. Even if I don't pursue the 'alchoholic relationship'.
That is such fantastic advice. I expect it to start again today (he stayed at his place last night). If I feel that I am being emotionally drawn in or entangled I am going to state the same thing or work out a sentence for myself and like I have been taught in an emotion regulation course - use it like a broken record. It is going to take much practice and I pray for the strength to do this. Thank you.
I know my motives for ringing - I could examine them further - but I know I felt abandoned so the first moment I had to say here - I am in a crisis and you are not here for me to fix this - I took it. I never 'let' him have time out and I am very controlling. I knew he was drinking. He told me he'd be doing this and our relationship agreement is no drinking at my house or around the children - which he wasn't breaching. So yes I do definitely need to look at my motives and expectations.
I read that post - but I am going to read it again. Thank you so much.
Can I ask is there a difference between an apology and making amends - I thought it was the same thing.
I sent a simple text - its quite early and also because I didn't want to get engage in an argument. It simply apologises for my behaviour in what i said on the phone and text to him while he was at his brothers and that I apologise for my part in the following argument (where I said hurtful things in defence to what he was saying). Texting is probably not appropriate ....I just don't trust yet that it wouldn't start another argument....argh!
Well good results have ensued. My partner felt my apology was very genuine - I took out all the buts and if onlys and its your faults! I got a genuine apology back as well. Now trying to remind myself easy does it as I want to invite him for dinner tonight and to check his university results on my computer etc etc. But easy does it. Maybe just leave it as it is - with the nice apologies and a bit of space for healing....
I hold my breath when I am watching the miracle of recovery in action as I have here. The love and compassion and support is sooo thick I can cut it with a knife and I understand I have only been able to find it in my Al-Anon and Alateen family life and not outside of the rooms. I am soooo gravitated to the traditions of unity and unconditional acceptance. There is no more able name for this site and what goes on here than "Miracles in Progress"...always in progress. I have been and we are being blessed with each others recovery. From Nasty to Nice. Awesome!!
Hayes your post reminded me of my sponsors voice. "So what you're saying Jerry F is that sticks and stones will break your bones AND words can really hurt you?"
My reply was "well of course they do...don't they hurt you also?" and he taught...
Jerry Brilliance. This is hard work hey? Had so many why me thoughts today. Thoughts that if only I didn't have the alcoholic in my life. Ridiculous. I always have had this disease in my life, always will and I'm going to have to work a program - tools for life or give up and when you have a child and one on the way - its just not an option.
The day has improved. I got a phone call from partner about how he has money for the household and nice things - I am quite used to this cycle. I wanted to carry on "what's the point" tomorrow you'll be back to being nasty - but that's just nasty. Some would say its his manipulation in action now - the cycle? I don't know. I just thanked him. I tried to step back and thank him as I would someone else offering a contribution - without bringing up the past. Just have gratitude for this moment. Honestly? Who knows what the right thing to do is. Many say to me not to have contact at all because of the instability - but then what - another relationship and more instability - as I am well aware of my contribution....ah ....easy does it! Got to breathe here!!!!
Jerry I just realised this small miracle. This has gone from nasty to nice. And instead of harping on in my head - well it shouldn't be nasty in the first place perhaps my perspective could shift to the shift that has happened here - the grace of forgiveness, the power of acceptance. Yes it probably will happen again. But there has been progress today and for that I am grateful. Thank you for your post it really made me think!
Hi hayes, I agree with Jerry when he commented on watching the miracle of recovery in progress. gives me goose bumps.This is an amazing thread. thank you for your honesty, self awareness and willingness to share this day of yours here, . In my experience, the abuse is ( not always ) two sided deal when the family is sick. Some are really loud and blunt with it, and others are silent and cutting. But its all abuse non the same. The program of the steps, has taught me about making an amends. Your question is a good one..an apology is not the same as an amends. Amends comes from the word amendment, which means to change. When they make an amendment to the constitution they dont apologize to it, they change it. For me, when I make amends, I admit my wrongs, add why I know it was wrong, ask what I could to to make it right, and then make it right. I dont use the words sorry, or my part. For me, the words "my part" implies, "your part". And if in recovery, my job is to be of maximum service to God and the people about me, and to keep my side of the street clean," your part" is none of my business.. really hard for me to do, but I'm on the path, and with God, Alanon, and you people, I will be better tomorrow that I was today.
keep it up, together we can do what non of us could alone.
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The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken. ----- Samuel Johnson
I just realised this small miracle. This has gone from nasty to nice. And instead of harping on in my head - well it shouldn't be nasty in the first place perhaps my perspective could shift to the shift that has happened here - the grace of forgiveness, the power of acceptance. Yes it probably will happen again. But there has been progress today and for that I am grateful. Thank you for your post it really made me think!