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Last night was another blackout. My bf was drinking before noon yesterday, got enough buzz to go buy his other drug of choice (the heroin) and then drank some more. When I got home he was that ghost man again.
With my kids there, I didn't go berserk or anything. I stayed to myself while he went to sleep on the couch. I took care of my kids and then took a shower. I went to the online meeting and my bf came to bed around that time and passed out again. He was really weird the whole time, so I knew it was more than just vodka. He wouldn't admit to anything. I poured out some nip bottles he had hidden in a drawer I always go in to get pj's out of. I couldn't take it if he drank more, so I poured them out. I know I am not "supposed" to, and so I felt bad doing it. However, this morning, he thanked me for pouring them out and getting rid of them. He said he would have probably been even sicker than he was this morning if he had drank those 4 more nips.
At 3am he was finally sober enough to speak. He asked me what happened. He knew he missed pretty much a whole day. He may have over drawn his monies in his checking account to buy drugs. He scared me because I had a feeling he was on the lethal mix of alcohol and heroin.
Today he says he is very sorry (of course). I told him that I am not sure I can go on like this because it scared me so much. I feel as if I am doing everything wrong. I am feeling terrible about it all. I know that I can seek my HP and ask for help today. So I am doing that now.
I am asking for strength and wisdom and some peace. I told him I can't have him at my house tonight if he does that again today. Right now he is in community service and then has to go to his parent's house to pick up some clothes and things they want him to get. I haven't really heard from him yet today. I need the strength to get through and I am asking HP for help....
I feel like I can't figure this stuff out. I am having trouble applying the slogans and tools to my life right now. I know this too shall pass. I am not taking it personally anymore. I am just feeling like I have NO IDEA what to do if I find him like that tonight again. I want to think I will kick him out, and I know that with the snow storm we are going to get, I probably won't do it. I want to go home and have peace.... I am asking HP for peace... Thanks.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
This disease confuses and manipulates us to where we dont know what move to make next.
Until your BF wants to go into recovery, this too shall not pass. He wants to do what he wants to do and he wants you to document it. He wants to make you responsible for his actions.
Your the only one that can make the decisions for your life. I hope you really grasp on to Alanon and step up your meetings, right now your into the BF and not focusing on your recovery. Talking it out does not make an addict sober or make your life any better.
If you want to have peace and serenity we must work the steps and focus on our own recovery , Alanon is not a passive philosophy, where you connect with a HP and peace is granted to you. I lived with an addict for 26 years, they are cunning and they know how to manipulate us. Its ok to build boundaries of what you will except and what you wont . Heroin and alcohol , sounds lethal and destructive to me. Do you want your children around that???
Wishing you clarity, wisdom and strength, Luv, Bettina
I don't know what to do anymore.... Its supposed to snow really bad tonight and that is my house. I have no where else to go, he is there and I am not sure whats going on now... I don't know anything. I am really so lost.
-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 02:56:54 PM
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Sunflowergirl, I am so sorry. I have been following your posts and you have so much wisdom. It's too bad we need so much wisdom, isn't it?
Someone once told me that when life throws extra challenges our way, we need all the support we can get. Can you put some more of that support into place? Go to extra meetings? Get a sponsor if you don't have one?
Your BF sounds as if he is deep in insanity. Somehow, even though they are "out of control," it often seems to work in their favor -- they make it so they don't have many places to go, so that we feel compelled not to put them out on the street. Or compelled to give them money, or help them one more time, or all the other things I've seen or done. The disease runs as far as it can.
I think what I would do in your shoes is figure out the longterm plan. Say he keeps on abusing these substances in this way and does not go into recovery, which sadly is very likely. And say that you feel, as you do now, that you need to distance yourself from this insanity. What would be the plan you could put into place? What would have to happen that doesn't need his agreement? (Because he'll probably only agree to the plan that lets him live easily and use.) What would asking him to leave look like? What kind of living situation would let you do that? I mean, maybe you wouldn't feel it's possible to ask him to leave if he'd be living under a bridge in the snow, but you would if he could bunk on a friend's sofa. Or maybe the shelter in town has space. Or maybe you want to wait until spring, or maybe you want to turn him over to his family, or ... What I'm thinking is that if you had more time to plan, what would the plan look like? Because then that could be the way forward for you, when the time is right. Keeping in mind that it won't be perfect, because the life of an addict is never full of easy living and perfection. And indeed if he landed in some great living situation designed by others, that wouldn't be the real consequences of his addictions.
When you know what that path might look like, then you'll have the freedom to decide when to follow that path. Those are my thoughts. Take what's useful and leave the rest!
Thank you everyone. Mattie: I do have a sponsor and I am working on plan B with her. I have decided to wait until I get my tax returns and then get my own place closer to my work and my kids' school. At that point if he is still doing this (he probably will be), I will then move without him. Thats all I have right now, I have no money at all to move out at this point. march isn't very far away. Thank you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
When our ideas become goals we find ourselves working toward them. When they are just ideas we kind of sit back and see if they might manifest.
When we care about an addict you can almost hear the sound as we get sucked in. Many times I have heard "treat yourself as if you are your best friend". What would you want for her? Her children? Her happiness?
((hugs)) Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I feel much better having a goal in mind. I went to the online meeting last night too, so that helped me. I found a meeting 2 blocks from my house, its Saturdays at 9:30. I can go. I will go. Thank you all
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
