Hon I would invite you to cont. in Al Anon.

After awhile we learn that it is a disease forever, symptoms forever. Living with an A can mean 5 rehabs, 10, detoxes. years of blissful recovery time for them and you, relapse, sickness, disease, back to detox, rehab, recovery for a long time or short again. Same symptoms happening over and over, we are the ones who have to change to be able to love them and live with their disease.

It is part of the disease! When or if we go back or take them back is no matter. We take them all, all of it. We don't know if they will relapse at any certain time or if they will. Most all do. Drinking is not the only part of relapse. Relapse is a process of symptoms that lead to possibly using.

I wish it were that simple. The disease is so manipulative. Makes our A think, ok I will go to rehab she will come back. next thing ya know you are back and he smells like alcohol.

And we act surprised. He is an A. That is what they do. Or may do!

It is more for us to accept every part of our sick A. Love them thru it all. BUT sometimes, most times we just cannot! Its a horrible disease that robs the
A and very much robs us and tries to suck us dry.

again hon I wish it were that simple.  love,debilyn

Well ... my AH was in and out of rehab 3 times in a 3 month period. During that time, I kicked him out because I had just found out I was pregnant and didn't think that it was healthy for me to have the drama and chaos in my face every day. I didn't "have him go into recovery" - it wasn't my decision to make whether he did or not. When he decided he was getting sober and he'd had enough, he got sober just going to meetings and without a trip to rehab. It was months before I let him move back home. My rationale at the time was that I wanted to see how serious he was about being sober.

I didn't kick him out with the expectation that my doing so would prove a point and then he'd get sober because he finally "got it." I kicked him out for me - because I could not live that way. I kicked him out with the expectation that our relationship was over and that I was doing what I was doing in order to take care of myself. I had nothing invested in the outcome.

As debilyn said, we never really know when or if the sickness will return. We aren't guaranteed anything. I wish it were as simple as okay, now my AH has been sober for 2 years. Suh - weet, we're in the clear! He could relapse again tomorrow, unfortunately - I hope he doesn't, but that's reality. I just try to stay in the moment and appreciate today. If something changes in the future, I will make a decision then about what I'm going to do for myself. Today I'm a little more accepting of the fact that my AH is a sick person with a disease that is in remission. If the disease goes active, my AH is not a bad person - he's a sick person. I did not fully understand/believe that when I made the decision to kick him out.

So, in short - while I know that a scenario like you described is possible, it is a result of 2 people working respective recovery programs for their own benefit that decide to give a damaged relationship another chance. But getting caught up in the outcome of it keeps us sick. Better to just let it all go, and wait for HP to make the plan clear.


-- Edited by White Rabbit on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 11:19:39 AM

The best, highest possibility of success for you is to keep going to Alanon wherever you end up living.
Working the program, getting support, getting educated on this disease, getting the alanon tools that work for you or the slogans that work for you.... you are the only one you can change.
Recovery holds no promises
As I don't really know to much about the situation with your husband I can't suggest what boundaries you may want to put in place. Thats where alanon can come in handy when you hear what other people have done and how it has worked for them. You take what you like and leave the rest.
Boundaries are a very personal thing... we each have to decide for ourselves what we are or aren't willing to live with. So I would pray on that, maybe read some liturature and hopefully your answers will come.
I don't have an A spouse but we do have an A son
When we brought him home ( he did his rehab in jail ) we set our boundaries with him but again they were things that we personally could not or would not allow or live with.
Please pray on it and i will pray you get the answers you are looking for
Blessings

It sounds as if you are in a difficult situation, New Year.  I don't know the back story, of course, but if I were a parent, knowing what I know about alcoholism, I would help my child transition to independent living rather than have them go back to an alcoholic spouse if they didn't feel it was right.  But I'm sure there are dozens of factors you can't explain on a board.

I went back to my A after he had done rehab (several months of program), and was firmly established in AA, had a sponsor, was going to extra support groups, etc.  He had about nine months of hard-working sobriety at that time.  I also made it clear that if he were to drink again, I would not stay.  That was my boundary.  That I just couldn't go through that life again. 

What happened is that he started drinking soon after that, but it took a long time (nearly a year) before I figured it out, because he's so secretive.  He managed to keep from drinking enough to pass out or anything obvious. When I finally did figure it out, we had several crises, renewed attempts at AA, secretive drinking, more attempts at AA, several times when he declared AA was not relevant because he wasn't an alcoholic, and the whole shebang.  Finally we separated and he is still drinking.  It is now 14 years after his original stint in rehab.  So he may yet get sober (though he hasn't made the attempt in the last ten years), but it's not happening fast, and statistics suggest that it won't happen.

If you're going back to your husband and you don't want to be with him if he's drinking (which I can entirely understand), you'll have to have the resources to set the boundary that you will leave if he drinks.  But it sounds as if you don't have the means to leave him?  So really the questions would be: how to live with an active alcoholic? And how to develop the rescources so you can choose to leave if the situation warrants it? 

If he stays sober, then the decisions are probably straightforward, and if you both work your programs, things will get better and better.  It's what happens if he doesn't stay sober that you'll want to plan for as best you can. 

This sounds like a very stressful situation to be in.  Hugs to you.

-- Edited by Mattie on Tuesday 11th of January 2011 12:28:53 PM

My AH and I were separated for approximately 7 months before I attempted to try it again. That was after his third rehab.  He now has gone through his 4th rehab and I am hoping that he continues his recovery.  It has been a long tough road. We have been married for 33+ years and they haven't all been easy ones.  I guess with the 7 month separation I learned a valuable lesson.  I can live without him. I don't really want to, because I do love him. I have accepted the fact that was he has is a disease and I also believe that he truly wants to be sober.  He works very hard at it. Goes to meetings 3 x a week, reads his meditations daily, and has an awesome sponsor.

When I agreed to try again, I did set parameters.  But I have since learned that they didn't work for me. Unless you are willing to stick to them, they are basically worthless. They were just empty threats.  I have learned that I need to stay out of his business.  I will occasionally ask him how he is doing. I don't snoop, I don't question, I try not to do anything that a "normal" wife wouldn't do.  This has been the hardest part of my recovery.  But the saying; "nothing changes if nothing changes" really hit a cord with me.  I had to change ME, to save ME.  If he does choose to return to the bottle, I hope and pray that I will have recovered enough to make some hard decisions that will be right for me.

I don't know if this helps.  I can feel your anguish and I know that you have some tough decisions to make.  Try to choose the ones that work best for you.  Peace to you.....