The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ok. I lost it Friday. I lost my serenity. I got it back too. All on my own, got it back. I would like to go on and on about what happened, here is the long and short of it: Friday night after work it began to snow very hard. I had an hour long drive ahead of me, with my son in the car. The drive is my normal commute. I called my bf who has been working on not using a particular opiate to let him know I was on my way. He sounded a bit off, however I didn't think anything at the time. About 3/4 of the way home the snow got really bad. I was driving 15mph on the highway with the hazzard lights going in Low gear. I was SCARED. I called my bf to let him know where we were because it was taking a REALLY long time to get home. He still sounded strange, and I began to wonder if he had drank. When I was almost home, I called him again... this time I knew he had been drinking. I could tell just the way he talked the "huh? yeah... huh?" and just the incoherent answers... I got home, the house smelled like cigarettes. He has never smoked inside, so I was suprised. All the lights were out. I saw clothes all over the living room. I turned on lights dropped the supper off in the kitchen and found him in bed. I needed to just leave him there to sleep it off right? Well guess what? I didn't. I lost it. I was ready to kick him out in the snow. I was ready to shout and scream and pound the walls. I got him up, made him clean up the clothes and then I started the supper. I realized at the point when he got up to get the clothes, that he was in a black out. I know because of how he behaves. Its like the ghost of the man I love. Its scarey! I was really mad. I was sad. I was every emotion. I regained my sanity a little fed us all supper and then went to sit on the couch. He had begun following me everywhere around the time I started supper, so he followed me to the couch. We sat there and watched TV. Then he tried to get me to have relations. I took him to bed. I then proceeded to watch TV there while he fell asleep. My son at this point was doing his own thing, he is 14 and usually has the computer or video games going. Around Midnight my bf woke up. I did too. He told me he had no memory of anything from 4:30pm til just then. I knew that. We talked a while. We watched some tv. He had some water and juice. He said he had a pint of vodka. Its been 5 weeks since he had any and he said he is pretty sure that is why he blacked out so quickly. Who knows. For me, my sanity had returned, and now when I think of that night, I am so glad nothing happened to me on the drive home. He wouldn't have had any clue whatsoever. I could have been dead and he wouldn't have known. Of course he cried and apologized. He knew he flubbed up. He said "I know you are mad at me." I said "I am not mad at you, I am mad at the disease" He said "I am sorry, I didn't want to drink, I just didn't think. I was here at home one minute and the next I was down at the liquor store" I don't know how true that is, I know that it could be though? He banged his head somewhere along the time between 4:30 and 7pm. He doesn't remember it. He doesn't remember smoking in the house. He doesn't remember me getting upset with him or anything. DOesn't remember eating supper. Ok I have talked enough about him here I know. I don't know where my program went in that first 45 minutes I was home. I did get it back, we had a nice weekend after that. He didn't drink anymore. He didn't use. He was a regular guy, we had a nice time Saturday night, watched movies with my son and all hung out. Sunday we made a turkey dinner, we had a nice day and evening again. We didn't fight or anything. I am just not sure what else to say... thanks for listening...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Isn't it frustrating?? I lived that same scenario, for so many years, with my ex-AW.... And just like mine - your A is saying "I'm sorry", while very obviously not committing to changing anything at all.....
It is truly one of the many reasons this disease is so cunning and baffling....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Tom, thanks. I may move on from him in the next few months, I may not. I guess I need to learn to be happy either way... I know. Its so hard for me as well, in my own disease to understand where I am coming from. I guess thats what this step 4 is about... Thanks
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I relate to this so much, I cant count the times that I was in the emergency room and the XAH would be drinking in the car. Not concerned about what I was going thru. a few times I was really sick, and could have used his support.
I also had a few roadside emergencies, he never was around when I needed him. Countless times(26 years). I remember being Mexico and we were walking to the beach, you had to jump down to get on the sand. He was walking ahead and didnt even offer a hand. A stranger, a man yelled out to him and called him on his behavior. "What kind of a man are you that doesnt offer his hand to his wife". I was alarmed, because I realized that I didnt even think anything of it , when I jumped down, Im not a young woman anymore. I realized that I didnt have expectations of him anymore and had grown so independent. The disease had really changed him to such a selfish, inconsiderate person. That day woke me up. Along with all the other chaos that would come and go with this disease.
We live apart now for 2 1/2 and there is nothing he wouldnt do for me . I grew stronger with my boundaries and he saw the change in me thru the years. I finally came to realize thru my thoughts and actions that I was powerless over his disease, but it would not rule my life. It sure curtailed my frustrations. I found for all my outburts, frustration and anger helped me to get it out for the moment, I hated how I felt afterwards, It was always self loathing afterwards, it was like that for a lot of years. Ive been at this for a long time and I know it works if you work it. You handled the situation great!! I'm glad that for that one bad day you spent because of this disease, you were able to enjoy your weekend without anymore drama. We must enjoy what there is to enjoy!
