As I think I've mentioned in the past, my AH has multiple DUIs in his past.  He also has MANY friends with numerous DUIs, and it seems like another guy gets a DUI every few months or so.

One of his buddies/co-workers was picked up for his second DUI over the holidays.  Apparently his blood alcohol content was insanely high; well over the threshold for an aggravated DUI in the state where he was arrested.

My AH often volunteers me to talk with these guys.  I tell them all the same thing: get a lawyer, do everything the lawyer tells you to do, and be prepared to spend some time in jail if it is not your first DUI.  Typically I don't mind having these conversations, although sometimes they are exceedingly frustrating.

I talked with the latest DUI buddy yesterday.  I gave him my standard talk about what he needs to do, and reassured him that he is doing what needs to be done (he already has a lawyer, and an excellent lawyer at that).  After I finished talking with him, my AH called me, and he mentioned that when he left the group of guys, they were "well on their way to getting wasted."  Then he clarified that the latest DUI buddy wasn't getting wasted, per se, but that he WAS drinking.  And then...the kicker.  My AH said to me "what these guys need to realize is that they can go to the bar, have one or two beers, and wait a responsible amount of time before they drive home."  And I said to him "that's true, and [did NOT say "but", Jerry!] for some people it is impossible for them to do that.  Some people simply are not capable of only having one or two beers."  He basically agreed with me, and we moved on in our conversation.  There were absolutely no heightened emotions, and we were talking about facts, not about feelings and accusations and expectations.  As I thought more about our conversation later in the day, I was left with two things. 

First, my AH is still so clearly in denial about the state of his own addiction.  I have long known that he has convinced himself that he is totally able to drink socially and "control" it.  Let's just say that our conversation didn't give me any reason to think that his perspective on this issue has changed.  I do not expect any particular outcome (I don't expect him to stop drinking, or to start drinking more)...those are out of my control and there is no point in crafting expectations.  But I do feel like I am preparing myself emotionally for any outcome, good or bad.  And that's progress for me.  The possibility of a bad outcome no longer totally cripples me the way it used to.

But more importantly, this conversation showed me how well the Al-Anon tools work for me.  I didn't make our conversation about him, or his behavior.  I didn't get upset that his buddies were getting drunk at the bar and he had been there with them.  I didn't bring a bunch of unmet expectations into the conversation.  It was just a calm conversation about the particular facts of a situation.  It felt very empowering.  I have spent so much of my life feeling totally enslaved to my obsessiveness and compulsions, and this felt like real progress in detaching from those things.