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I have a frustrating situation with my Abf and I am not sure how to approach. I am open to ideas. First I should give some background. Four years I ago I found out I was pregnet by my ABF we weren't serious when it happened and when I told him he went back and fourth with what he wanted to do. I was going through a lot at the time, my brother had just passed in an accident unexpectedly, I was going through changes at work, and dealing with him. I took matters into my own hands and decided I needed to do what I thought was right for my baby. I didn't include my ABF in the appointments (there were only two). Prior to the thanksgiving holiday my ABF got into trouble with the law due to his drinking. My stress levels increased even more and at 18 weeks I miscarried. He was with me at the hospital but not in the room. After the event he started hinting that he didn't believe me about being preg. and for the next six months tourmented me with it. I didn't do anything to prove it to him because he was going through AA and didn't feel like it was the time. We started dating again this summer and a couple of months ago the issue came up again. At the time he was being rational and we talked about how we could reslove the issue that haunted our relashionship. I explained to him why I did what I did. We decided that I would add a Q&A session to my annual exam so he could have all his questions answered. We scheduled everything around his schedule. Then about a month ago when we started having issues he changed his tune. He started saying he never agreed to go, that he wouldn't go, and so on. I tried showing him my medical file but a week later he was determined I doctored it up (I don't know a darn thing about anything medical). So again I stressed that was why we made the appointment with the doctor. I have been dealing with the aftermath of what a woman goes through after losing a child for the last three years. Him not believing me haunts me. My shrink and people at ALANON have all said I shouldn't give up on him going but I can't force him. I deserve closure. The appointment is this friday and I am not sure how to present this to him. Last time he said I was guilting hm and didn't need anyone to get me right with myself but me. We are on a break right now but still talk a couple times a week. I need an approach or input because what I tried didn't work
The issue is he goes back and fourth as to if he believes me or not. So the appointment was made to clarify what happened. Now he does not want to go the appointment that he was so demanding that I make. I want to know how to approach him about going.
I thought that is what I understood, but the idea of going to such an extreme to ensure a sick person believes you seemed a little off to me.
Who cares if he believes you? This is classic A behavior in my eyes. He doesn't believe you, but won't do anything to learn the truth. That's because the truth isn't the issue. Having something to berate you about, real or not is the issue imo.
I wouldn't approach him about going. He knows the appointment is made and it is his choice whether he goes or not.
He has already been approached about going and finding another way to approach it is controlling the situation to ensure you receive the outcome you want.
It seems to me that your health is your own, your appointments are your own and if he chooses not to believe you that is his own.
I don't see what you have to approach since the issue is not yours.
I guess the issue for me is the fact that he doesn't believe me drives me crazy. I am sick and tired of the issue being brought up not only between him and I....but his mother and our friends. I just want closure on this with him so I can move on. I am sick of carrying the loss on my own. But maybe you are right his back and fourth on it is a result of his sickness and the control issues that come along with it.
I am a little confused to.... but what i am getting is you had a miscarriage, your bf doesnt beleive either that you were pregnant or believe you had a miscarragie i am not sure which. But now you would like him to accompany you to your exam and have the Doctor explain it too him and he had agreed to go and is now backing off that agreement. thats is what I am hearing from you If all that is correct i would remind you that we are powerless over all other people, places and things except ourselves. You can not make him go to the appt. However if you plan on staying with him even though as you stated he torments you (which I personally consider emotional abuse) then you might want to set a boundary not to talk about the lost baby anymore. I can't imagine your pain at losing a baby but it doesn't sound as if your bf is supportive of your feelings and what you went through so maybe its best if it isnt spoken of. I hope you have another support system ( alanon, friends, family) in which you can speak freely of what you have experienced and get the support you need. Have you been to alanon meetings? If not pls find one in your area and start attending or join us here online for our twice daily meetings. Wishing you the best...i am truly sorry for your loss Blessings
Not sure how you want to approach this either, but a couple of thoughts certainly come to mind.... ever heard the "egg joke"?? It's a great example of how we are never going to satisfy an active A..... here it goes:
One morning, the nice wife wakes up early to make her alcoholic hubby breakfast, and makes him two eggs, sunny side up. He comes to the table, looks at the food, and gets mad, starts ranting about how upset he is, and tells her that he wanted scrambled....
The next day, the good wife wakes up early again, makes her hubby breakfast, and this time makes him two scrambled eggs. She sits back, proud of her decision, only to see hubby sit down at the table, get angry again, and declare that on this day, he wanted his eggs sunny side up!
On day three, she comes up with a great idea, one that she is SURE will please him. She dutifully goes downstairs and makes him breakfast once again, this time ingeniously making him one scrambled and one sunny side up..... She cannot fathom anything except an impending positive result from her efforts. Her hubby comes down to eat, and once again is ranting and angry. She asks, incredulously ' "how can you be angry now.... I made one of each for you!", - to which, the husband replies "you scrambled the wrong egg!".
The other thought I had, when I read your post, is something my wise old sponsor used to remind me, when he would tell me: "when dealing with your active A, imagine them with a large SSS stamped on their forehead which stands for sick, sick, sick"
Your post is a good example when we, as decent human beings, are trying to make 'sense out of nonsense'..... His behaviors are relatively typical for an active A, and bottom line - he really doesn't want to find a solution, or the answer to his supposed concern.... he is stuck in a place where he would rather blame you (and others) for everything wrong in his life, and project all focus onto you, and or anyone else (besides him and his addiction).
Wish I had something more uplifting, but he is doing what active A's do, and doesn't sound ready - at the present time - to do anything to change his ways....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thanks everyone and yes to clarify this was in regards to my miscarriage I am not currently expecting. I guess it must be the diesese, it through me for a loop because I thought finally this is going to be behind us and in the past when he suggested the appointment. When he backed off I thought what is going on? I have been going to meetings two so far and I do have a shrink. I guess I feel like he feels like if he goes to the appointment he can no longer hold that issue over me for control. From what I have been reading on the board and discussed at meetings even if he really is sober three years he will still carry that tendency.
Parfait, in my experience even if he were to come to the appointment, and ask all his questions, and have the doctor tell him that absolutely positively you were pregnant and absolutely positively you had a miscarriage, he would STILL find a way to hold it over your head. He is not rational, and nothing outside of himself can make him rational. I live this experience, too. My AH and I were stuck in a cycle of him blaming me for a whole laundry list of crap, I would "prove" to him that he was wrong, he would accept "reality" for awhile, and then he would go right back to blaming me. Now, when I can tell he is getting into that blaming mode, I shut down the conversation and refuse to engage in the fight. It has really helped my own serenity a lot. God himself could come down to earth and tell your ABF or my AH that something is true, and if your ABF and my AH decide it's not true, nothing will convince them otherwise.
When my A was working a strong, honest program, he nor I had to deal with those behaviors anymore. Before he quit his program the stinkin thinking and behaviors returned.
I started to get trapped into focusing on him, and pleasing someone that is seeking something that he can only gain from within, not from me.
Today my goal is to work on myself so that his perceptions do not control my emotions or behaviors.
I do have control over how I choose to respond to situations, and that is where I choose to place my energy.
Aloha Parfait...Tom's suggestion of imagining the SSS is really helpful however it has to get out of the imagination and into the reality...Because of the alcohol and drugs they are "really" sick as the chemicals affect everything they come into contact with. His brain and emotional system cannot be normal or expected to be normal. When it was time to grow those parts of his life he was into the chemicals. We don't get it because we want to get it...we get it when we work for it.
Go do what you need to do for yourself and take your sponsor with you...someone who loves you unconditionally and who will teach you to do the same thing for yourself.
You cannot turn a pickle back into a cuccumber. use that metaphor in a focus on who you need to hang with.
Thanks you are all right about a lot of things. As for him working his program not sure how honest he is being. More like going through the motions and pretending to act but not really doing it. I will reach out by giving him the appointment information one last time. It is up to him to decide what he feels is the right thing to do.
The A in my life was going through the motions the last few months but not really doing it. That was frustrating for me. I realized that it was frustrating because I was doing the same thing. If I was working a strong, honest program, I wouldn't have been frustrated with how he was working his program.
Good metaphor from Jerry. I will be keeping that in mind.
I started going to meetings because my mother was driving me crazy...it wasn't until I'd been in the program for awhile and learned more about the disease that I realized that my ex was also an A. He didn't drink every day and he didn't drink to the point of passing out, but boy did he act like an A.
You can't work his program, but you can work yours, and through it you can find serenity, regardless of how he chooses to behave. You also don't have to accept his abuse.
