The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my closest friends is an A I do believe. When I met him he was sober but seemed to be a dry drunk. Of course at the time I didn't know that. I just knew something was wrong. We started out dating, but that didn't last long as I knew he wasn't right for me.
We remained good friends. I find though since I have changed so has the relationship. I am tired of the constant chaos in his life and hearing about it all the time. It is of his own doing but he doesn't see it. Through working my program I see how much of a dry drunk he is and how dysfunctional. I don't see anything to talk about between us anymore as I am tired of hearing about his three court cases, his exes, current gf that he complains about etc.
I really want to just end the friendship. My problem with that is because as I grow in my program I realize many time there were options I didn't see, and I am unsure if this is one of those times.
I have been sitting on this for a few weeks now and still haven't come to a conclusion.
Does anyone have any esh they can share regarding this?
I had a counselor once who said that it was okay to draw back from a friendship -- that people had friends in concentric circles, so there's the inner circle, the slightly less intimate circle, the doing-things-together-sometimes circle, and all the way out to the exchange-Xmas-cards-once-a-year-but-that's-all circle. Or the friends where you say hi when you run into them at the grocery but you never seek each other out. She said it was fine to move people farther out in the circle, to where it feels right for you. I'm thinking maybe you're thinking your friend would be best farther out in the circle, like maybe the "say hi in the grocery store" place or something. I know I used to think in all-or-nothing terms, but I'm learning that things don't have to be that drastic. Maybe that would be something to think about?
It sounds as if you're taking good care of yourself -- that's the most important thing.
Just in my experience... in working my program for a while i took a look at my pre alanon friends and asked myself if I would choose them as friends today. And I had to admit that while I still care for some of them, they are not the people i want to surround myself with anymore. Not that they did anything wrong, I just grew out of the need to hear, try to fix whatever thier drama and chaos. So i slowly started bowing out of being with them until while they may still consider me a friend i no longer spend time with them. None of them appeared to lose any sleep over the end of the friendship, so that right there told me i had out grown them and they went about thier business of finding other friends who were like me pre alanon. Does any of that make sense? Friends are not always in our lives for a lifetime, some come and go and others we stay attached to...those are the friends who accept you for who you are as a person and they not only take friendship they give it back...it's a two way street. As for your friend, you haven't missed a choice you think you should have made awhile ago...that choice will always be there for when you are ready to make it. I hope that helped a little Blessings
I agree with the previous posters that friendship is a two way street.
Maybe there doesn't have to be a black and white answer - like, we either are friends, or we never talk again. Maybe there can be an in between. I've had similar situaitons with a couple of friends. One of them is a guy I dated right after I got divorced from my exAH. We stopped dating, but it was because he dumped me, not because I decided he wasn't right for me. ;). Anyway, we talk every now and again - in retrospect, I realize that his alcohol consumption bothered me, as well as some other behaviors. I "overlooked" those things for a long time (read: minimized and denied that they existed because I wanted the guy to be the person I imagined he was, not the person that he was in reality). Although he initially tried to talk to me a lot about the things going on in his life, the more recovery I got the more I realized how sick he was. Although I'm not in the habit of abandoning friends that are sick, this guy was more of a drain on my emotions and recovery than I decided was healthy. In my situation, I started letting his calls go to voice mail and returning them only if I wanted to, telling him that I had to go when I didn't want to talk anymore, and not agreeing to plans if I did not actually want to spend time with him.
It is your choice whether you spend time with a particular person or don't. The invention of voice mail is awesome - if you do not want to take a call at a particular time, you can always let the call go to voice mail and then evaluate whether you want to return it and when. Recognizing that you have the ability to say "no," and that you have the ability to set the parameters for the attention you give the friendship is very freeing. It doesn't have to be all one way or the other.
It's interesting - in my case, when I started to set boundaries, the friend initially tested them but then stopped testing when I didn't cave. These days I consider him an acquaintance. We're in the same profession and I am happy that the bridge isn't burned, but we don't do lunch either.
Mattie: That is just what I was thinking. I am not all black and white these days. I also find myself not wanting to speak with him at all.
Xeno: I have had the same thing happen. My friend is my only pre Al-anon friends left. The rest and I just drifted apart. They never called me again and I never called them. They are also friends with an ex of mine that is rather manipulative so I choose to just stay away. The only time they contact me is when they are trying to find out info for him. Can I be sure of that...no. Is it probable...yes.
White Rabbit: This person doesn't ask anything of me, but boundaries do need to be set regarding how much i hear about his personal life. I do find his constant chaos to be draining.
When he found the new woman he complained about her all the time. She put on a birthday party for him, invited me and then proceeded to delegate all the things she wanted me to do on two days notice. I asked her to call me to discuss it (as she sent me a facebook message) but she just started texting me. She was much like he was communicating she was. I didn't go to his party, went to visit him before the party and that was that. I was not pleased with the tactics she was using with me and am not happy at the idea of dealing with her. She won't be around long I'm sure so it isn't a long term issue, but then I get to her about how she screwed him over much like the rest.
He knows how I feel about his lack of accountability, that he is probably an alcoholic, that his woman has issues and so does he. He used to go to AA but quit and started drinking again when the last woman came on the scene.
He texted me on Christmas and I haven't responded. I don't think he will text or call me again as he will wait until I contact him next.
