The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got a phone call tonight from my A. He wanted me to come pick him up from treatment on Saturday morning. (He went in Tues night voluntarily- his idea). I told him that I did not think that was a good idea and told him I thought he wasn't even supposed to be contacting me in the first 72 hours. I asked him why he was whispering and he said, "Cause I'm not supposed to be on this phone." At least he was honest. That was refreshing. I asked him what the people at treatment thought about me picking him up on Saturday. He said, "They don't know." Then...he pulled out the big guns after dazzling me with some refreshing honesty (alcoholics are so freakin' smart) He said, "I need to be home and working and helping you out." This of course has been a bone of contention with us, he works but he misses a lot when he's drinking heavy and I always end up picking up the difference, also, right now I am freaked out about paying everything completely on my own. The statement was tempting, but then I thought.....hmmmmmmmm you weren't too worried about our bills when you were staying home from work drinking. I didn't say this, I just told him that I didn't think he should come home yet, and that I thought he should take this opportunity he has to get well and that I loved him. I'm not bringing him home until I see a serious committment to him getting well and a couple of days in treatment isn't going to do it. And that is hard, because I do miss him a lot. If he chooses to leave treatment and gets someone else to pick him up and let him stay with them that's on him and them but I won't be the one and it won't be coming home after a couple days of treatment. He's only a couple days in detox. I'm proud of myself for not just agreeing to go get him. I hadn't heard his voice for a couple days and it was hard to resist when I know he wasn't drinking, but if I go get him he might be ok a couple days and then I think it will be back to the same old thing. It was still hard though. I do miss him. I could hear the irritation in his voice. Then he even tried to use the freakin dog. Geeeez. He misses the dog. Wow. I told him the dog would be here and I will be here when he gets well.
Good for you, you did the right thing for you and in turn for your husband. Don't have any second thoughts. Keep taking care of yourself first. I'm proud of you and the way you were thinking on your feet. You did the next right thing......for yourself.
You are not alone...BG...You have support from many others who have been there and done that and also were told...Good Job!! That's how to work it. Go get help for yourself. (((hugs)))
You did a great job standing firm. It's hard when you miss them. But recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve. Turn his recovery over to the experts, himself and his HP. Concentrate on yours. Remember he is right where he is suppose to be. I remember being scared about the bills. Somehow I found a way. All will be well. Detach with love. We have your back.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Oh, way to go there!! You're doing remarkably - even though it was hard, keeping your boundaries and stopping the enabling gets easier the more you practice.
Awesome work! My A didn't try this in rehab, and I missed him terribly, and he was about 1,000 miles away so when I did hear from him after the 7 day thing where he couldn't call anyone, I wanted so badly for him to come home. I realize now looking back that he was there for a reason and I was doing alanon because of him being away. IT was all good and if you have time to go, Alanon is the place for you :) It will make you stronger :) Going to get him when you don't want to will only make you resentful. So take this time for yourself :) Take care of you!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Hi, I do not know if you are attending meetings but if not try and find one in your area what ever decision he makes you need support for you from people who have experienced the same thing, who will listen without judgement.
My partner is in rehab he has been there for 5 months. He said to me one day it was as if everyone turned their backs on him at once , I had had enough, his mum would not rescue him any more and his children from his last relationship were pulling away. this is why he went in to rehab. So many times I have wanted him home, so many times he has rang hateing it, but he has stuck it out. I thank god today when he rang wanting to leave I told him it was his choice but I would not be collecting hi and he could not live here. I no longer want to make it easy for the disease. Today he is an adult who makes his own choices. What I did for me was I told him we would chat on the phone only once , twice a week. He was going through a really tough time emtionally and as long as I listened he would not use the counsellors at the centre. I got out of the way detached with love.
My life had been so focused on him I have used the space to really get into al anon and to refocus on my life. I love my partner but I matter today. Rehab has given me the opportunity/space to work on myself.
The 'first" time my A hubby went to rehab, the unapproved "secret" call home came within 24 hours. OMG! Hit me like a ton of bricks. Someone here in MIP gave me great advice. I wrote this down on a post it and carried it with me for days. My only reply was:
I know this is hard on you. I understand your frustration. I am proud of you for taking the initiative to get yourself well.
I must have sounded like a broken record. A few days into rehab after quite a few calls, the he started off his conversation by saying, i don't wanna hear your 3 sentence speach this time, but i wanted to let you know yatta yatta yatta...
He's been to rehab 3 times. Never lasted 30 days. Active now.
I love him, I'm getting better. I am working on me. I'm not sure where he is in his program, its his business.
Oh Been there, too. The great rehab cycle. Good for a few months and then back on the Merry Go Round. I'm amazed at your strength. Good for you. Take care of yourself. Actually, when my A was in rehab...I was happy. He was being cared for by someone else and I was free to take care of myself....Stay strong
Great job! I got that call a few months back, had no idea what to say and ended up just giving in and coming to get him, even though I knew it wasn't the right thing. When my ABF subsequently went back into treatment a week later, we did a family counseling session around that phone call and what I could have done differently, how he would have felt and reacted, etc. I found that very helpful. But I am impressed that you knew what to do and were able to stand your ground.
