The material presented
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level.
so I made it very clear to AH that if he has another drink, then i take the kids and leave. we have been seeing a therapist and made my point clear to him in front of her. He hasn't drank since last week. It's only a matter of time. I don't want to live that life anymore. I have given it YEARS!!! I am DONE with it!!!
I think setting boundaries and knowing your limits is good but you really need to accept that ultimatums don't work with an addict.
I am proof of that, but I chose to get out of two alcoholic marriages and it was the right choice for me both times, only you know what is the right choice for you.
He might change and you not in which case nothing changes for you. I'd like to suggest you contact the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area; the hot line number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Make a decision to go to as many meetings as you can over the next 90 days and sit and listen and learn. Its taken you a long time to yell "Enough" and still that is with a one drink minimum. Normal for you has been abnormal and unacceptable. It has become a habit and often the interchangable word for habit is "addiction". Not good news and it wasn't for me either but there it was. She was gone and I stayed the same...insane.
Come on into the meeting rooms with us and learn about boundaries...on them on ourselves. (((((hugs)))))
No one can tell you what to do concerning your alcoholic. What can be suggested is finding a f2f meeting and surround yourself around members who will understand as no one else can. Take care of yourself first, put all the focus on you, and leave your husband and his disease in HP's hands.
Changes in us doesn't mean accepting or condoning the alcoholics drinking. It only means taking a look at ourselves, our perspective, and ways we can make our life better. Whether he drinks again, or whether he doesn't, whether you leave, or whether you don't, attending f2f meetings should be a priority and the best thing you can do for you and your kids. In the rooms of Al-Anon is where you will find the answers, serenity, and peace of mind you need.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 7th of January 2011 12:46:32 AM
I relate to the desperation for something 'normal'. I tried to force a solution.
If you are not already, attend Alanon meetings, read as much as you can about alcoholism, get a sponsor, and give the program time before you make any life changing decisions.
I, too, thought that there was no hope; that nothing could change the dynamics. I had so much fear, hurt, pain, and anger that I became 'functioning' in survival mode. I did the best I could with the information I had.
Setting and enforcing your boundaries will help restore some sanity. This is something we do for ourselves.
Ultimatums will not work if you execute them in hopes of changing someone else. Alcoholics/ addicts are sick and cannot help themselves until they seek and work a strong recovery program. Check your motives and be honest with yourself regarding what it is you would like to accomplish.
Now that I have some Alanon exposure, I am learning new things and have new hope. Alanon teaches us to focus on ourselves to heal and enjoy life- with or without the alcoholic/ addict.
The Alanon program works. Be sure you and the children are safe. Guard your finances. Keep coming back- glad you are here.
Recovery is about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve, regardless if your husband chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking care of and your family and doing what is in the best interest of you. Alanon meetings will help you make the decisions you need to. If you choose to stay as I did, then we are here for you. If you choose to leave then we are here for you. If you can't make it to face to face meetings (which are incredibly helpful), please check our online schedule. Alanon has some great tools for you. You will learn how to set boundaries, detach with love and keep the focus on where it needs to be: YOU. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When I set boundaries and stick to them, things work better for me. When I give an ultimatum to an addict, it never works well. I am forcing solutions and trying to change someone I can't. When I came to alanon I was shown the tools that have begun to help me change my ways. I recall the three C's: I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CURE it and I can't CONTROL it. I am powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic, outcomes, people, places, things, futures, pasts etc etc. I must learn to detach with love because I become to enmeshed with people, places and things and so I detach detach detach....
I remember to take care of me and I also know that I have to QTIP=quit taking it personally. I can't take it personally when he drinks or uses drugs. I can't take anything personally. NO one wakes up in the morning and says "how can I make sunflowergirl feel bad today?" and then goes and does it. I take things that way, and I am learning not to. Do the next right thing for you. The old timers here will tell you that: He might drink again, what are YOU going to do? You can have serenity and happiness regardless of if he drinks again. ALanon is for you to learn to take care of you... Take care. It works when we work it :)
-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Friday 7th of January 2011 09:18:43 AM
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Have you been to any f2f meetings? These are lifesaving for family members of alcoholics. Nobody can tell you what decision is right for you. For me, the realization that alcoholism is a disease has gone a long way.
I can so identify with that feeling of "I've just about reached bottom; one more time and I won't be able to stand this any more." In my case I didn't tell my A -- he had heard plenty from me already about how much I hated his drinking. And I had gone back on my vow to leave him if it happened again several times. But then one time was one time too many. I saw years of the same chaos stretching before me, and I knew I had to protect myself from that life. I asked him to move out, and in my case he wasn't even surprised and he didn't resist. I think he was relieved that he'd get to drink without trying to hide it any more. That's how the addiction had gotten him. He'd sorta-kinda given it up before, but each time he started up again and hid it for a while before I caught on. That kind of stuff is crazy-making -- "Is he just tired or has he been swigging when I haven't been looking? Am I paranoid?" Eventually the trail of bottles told the tale. But meanwhile the suspense is pretty awful -- always fearing the moment is about to come, the moment when you make good on your vow to yourself.
My thoughts about your situation are whether you're ready in a practical sense to follow through on the ultimatum/boundary (whatever it is, whatever we call it). Do you have your finances lined up, etc. etc.? When we know we can handle life without the A, we're free to make real choices. If we choose to stay with him, that's because we choose to, not because we can't handle life otherwise. Conversely, if we choose to separate, it's because we've made a considered choice.
If your A is serious about his recovery, he will immerse himself in a program. My experience is that the people who can stay sober without a program are the people who never had much problem in the first place, i.e. the non-alcoholics. If he's not in a program, you might think about what your bottom line is. Actually thinking about the bottom line is helpful no matter what. I took too long to get mine clear.
I am by no means an expert at this but can only share my experience with ultimatums. If you make one, you better be ready to follow through or you lose credibility and they get worse. Setting boundries that you can live with is perfectly appropriate and that goes to our principals of taking care of US. One incredibly powerful tool that helped me tremendously is to mutually agree to what is acceptable and then you aren't coming off as the moral police. Example: My wife and I mutually agreed that if she started drinking again, she wasn't welcome in our home until she completed a 30 day program (she was losely working an AA program). She drank, and it gave me the strength and tools to follow through since SHE agreed to it in advance. She made this commitment in front our counselor and that helped us say, You drank, you committed to go, will you accept help today and that was that. Thankfully, she accepted and she today will be coming home. Without that it would have been another "give you another chance debate." Puts the responsibility on them. My 2 cents.
Keep going to Alanon as it does work if you work it. :) Best of luck.
Great ESH: My wife and I mutually agreed that if she started drinking again, she wasn't welcome in our home until she completed a 30 day program (she was losely working an AA program). She drank, and it gave me the strength and tools to follow through since SHE agreed to it in advance.
Thanks for that.
My mom and step fathers are my qualifier. I remember when my mom came out of rehab my therapist had to remind me, statistically, the alcoholic will drink again. It is also a physical addiction. They can't just stop drinking the way a non alcoholic can just stop.
I appreciate the share above because it comes with a plan and mutual empowerment where nobody has to be the victim or the persecutor. Agreements and boundaries with a plan of action is something I need to incorporate into my life.
The mutual agreement might work if you can both get on the same page. But in my case that kind of thing opened the door to arguments and deception. I'd know he'd been drinking, but he'd deny it. Then I "wasn't being rational" because I'd want to enforce the boundaries and he'd claim he'd done nothing to warrant it.
Eventually I arrived at the point where I am now -- when I see him (we're separated but have a child together), and I think he's been drinking, I just say, "I don't want you to tell me whether you've been drinking or not, and I'm not asking. I'm just saying you're coming across as if you have, and so I'm leaving now." (or whatever)
The ultimate thing is that we don't need the drinker's agreement to do what's right for ourselves.
The statistics suggest that he, like the majority of alcoholics, will drink again. It's probably good for all of us to have a plan for when (if -- but probably when) that happens, to take care of ourselves. One good thing would be getting to meetings and having lots of support.
need lots of help. I'm relating to everything you're saying. It took me a long time to put the pieces together and realize that one day at a time can help. Today I made an appt to see an apartment. That's all I asked of myself. If I leave I am detaching with love....love of my AH but also love of myself. Good Luck
Hi Alcoholics are very black and white thinkers. If you say you will leave....leave Otherwise he won't believe you next time you try to set a boundary.
Boundaries are sometimes difficult to maintain though becuase I lose my focus on MY needs
I spent years with him coming and going. He promised (and meant it) and promised. but he has an illness. He didn't mean to have that first drink, but the first drink puts them right back to the beginning of the fight, complete with guilt and shame.
but alanon is not about them Alanon is about us and what WE can deal with one day at a time.
I couldn't live with active alcoholism. I reached my rock bottom and had to tell him to go. I had to mean it. I tried no contact for a year Very difficult when you have children together. His behavour didn't change and despite opposition from my family I started a divorce.
I spent another year agonising over it but I meant it. not as a tool to stop him drinking but as a means of self care.
As it happens he then went into sobriety. Nothing to do with me. (Quite a shock actually) and despite the divorce I found that, when he visited the kids he was a very different person.
My firm decision became something I could change because I began to trust it was ok for me to trust (one day at a time) that I could live with his sobriety.
its not easy. I'm not sure if its 'normal' but its right for me ....(and he quite likes it too but that is a side issue)..... lol
decisions are for one day only but they have to be based on MY needs Not on the guessing game of whether or not HE is likely to drink
If today is going to be everyday, what do you want? If tomorrow changes its ok to re evaluate one day at a time
If he drinks again tomorrow I really don't know how I would react. I would like to think I have enough Alanon now to deal with it. But if tomorrow changes may still have to evaluate.... but that is a projection of what MIGHT happen and nothing to do with today don't know if that helps
