"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

babygirl71 · Member

New at this so bear with me

member922 · Senior Member

Never ever feel alienated here. It's a very safe place where people can share what you are going through. Sometimes it is very difficult to put the focus back on you. Been there done that.

Stick with the board for awhile. I learned a lot and I'm sure you will too! Never give up on yourself.

babygirl71 · Member

Thanks for the support! I've never gone to al anon, never had someone in treatment, I'm new to all this. And probably in the infancy of all of this so to speak. I'm very frustrated. I am a reasonably intelligent woman with a good job and two great kids. One in college one in high school. Yet I am in this relationship that has not been good for me on many levels- mainly financially but many more. I look at the black and white and think what in the world are you doing girl? Yet, I love this guy, my kids love him, everyone loves him. He is a sweet, smart, kind, messed up, pain in the you know what, good man. But he is an alcoholic. And I have let that control my life and put me in precarious situations. :(

babygirl71 · Member

And what do I do with for a living? I work with antisocials . Wow. Go figure. Talk about being a glutton for punishment.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I will tell you what I was told when I first came to this board and Alanon: Remember the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. The first step is acknowledging that we are powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic/addict, people, places, things, events, futures etc. The serenity prayer helped so much when I actually thought it through. Also learning that I have to detach from the person with love, and detaching means allowing him to be himself. Also I need to focus on me and my higher power and allow my higher power to lead and guide me. I have to let go and let my higher power take care of things. When the person is in rehab is the best time for you to begin your process of recovery in alanon. We codependents are addicted to other people, which is the way we hide from our own pain and try to fill in a void that we feel we have. When we lift that away and start looking at ourselves, we find that we were already a whole and wonderful human being and that seeing that pain inside, feeling it, dealing with it and healing from it is the only way to fully recover. ALanon is for you. Take care of you ! Welcome here and keep coming back, it works when we work it :)

I wanted to add: books that I read that helped me tremendously: Courage to Change, The Language of Letting Go, Getting Them Sober (offered for free at the top of the posts here), and the book The New Codependency. There are many more, but those helped me so much.... I use this board here and there is a live chat meeting at 9am and 9pm on weekdays and the weekend schedule is 10am and 9pm... take care!

-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Thursday 6th of January 2011 09:19:12 AM

ms621 · Member

Oh my dear, do I understand exactly what you are going through. I have been there. Your life has been consumed with everything having to do with the alcoholic, and now that he is going to treatment, your life as you know it, as unhealthy/codependent as it was, has suddenly changed. This is such good news. You can finally start to focus on yourself and do things that will make YOU happy for a change. Alanon is PERFECT for you, my dear. Please find the courage to attend your first meeting, they are so, so very helpful. You will learn how to turn things around to focus on you rather than him.

One more thing, good for you for recognizing the enabling behavior. Take good care, you are in a great place, a true turning point towards happiness if you're willing! :)

ythannah · Senior Member

babygirl71 wrote:

And I'm MAD too. Mad that he goes off to treatment and I will have to pay all the bills and take care of everything. When is it my turn to coast? When do I get to skip work and not pay bills and have someone just take care of everything. Where's my safety net? Okay. I'm sure I have now alienated myself from everyone here.

Lol, that's good old resentment you're feeling -- and all of us here are pretty familiar with it! How well I remember thinking, "Oh, so you get a free pass from all the normal adult responsibilities because you have the disease of alcoholism?" Welcome, babygirl! smile

You're definitely in the right place. In fact, you're already a bit ahead of the game because you have acknowledged that you are as sick as your A is.

As others have said here, now that he is in treatment and out of your hair for a while, it's the perfect opportunity for you to dive into Al-Anon and start taking care of YOU.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome!

At the bottom of my share is a site and phone number to find meetings in your area. This would be a perfect time to go to meetings. As many as you want/can. I completely agree, we need rehab from the A!

Book, "Getting Them Sober." At the top of the message board there is someone sending them to others for free. Its wonderful service our special member offers.
Don't be afraid to email him.

It does help to take one day at a time. Wake up and do what you can, then don't forget to be nice to yourself. We have healing to do too. Of course you are feeling rough! Time to look at what YOU need and be your own best friend.

Its a time for us to learn Al Anon skills that will make us healthy. We find that our A is very sick, with an incurable disease. They can go into recovery, however they are still sick with a very difficult disease.

We can learn to not take their stuff as our own. Allow them to figure it all out for themselves. They have to do it for them, we need to stay out of it completely.

Hey good for you for making boundaries and upholding them! You have many positives on your side.

LOl you have not alienated at all. You did not share anything that MANY others have shared before!!

As far as a safety net, If you want one, make one. We learn to give ourselves what we need. We take care of our own finances so the A's disease cannot take it away. We make sure the home is in our name, cars too. We make it so the only thing the A can take away is them.

I found this much easier for me to be with my A. I depended on me for everything. I feel that is healthier anyway. Afterall I was choosing to live with a very sick person.

If he had cancer I would have done the same.

We learn to do for them that which we all need help with. And not help with things they can very well do on their own.

If they smoke they can figure out how to get their own. no money? Again they can figure it out.

We take care of ourself. When we are healthier we channel that energy to where it belongs. Our growth, our dog, our home etc. The A is an adult, he can do it, it is better for him for him to take care of himself. We make them sicker by "helping" them.

I sure hope you keep coming back here. Its a wonderful message board. There is also a chat room and meetings here.

Being mad is natural! The disease is mean, gross, cunning, a thief, a liar, selfish, manipulative,and more!

We can learn to love the person, and know it is the disease we hate not them.

You sure sound like you would really thrive in Al Anon! And believe it or not, we need you also.

(((((((babygirl))))))))

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Babygirl. I had to smile when I read the end of your post about alienating us. I have to tell you, that in the thick of my resentments to my AH when he was in the depths of his alcoholism, I felt exactly like you! When you have a relationship that is so one sided it would be hard to not carry some resentments.

With that said, congrats on your A getting into recovery. That is a big step for him and also for you. It allows you time to step back, regain your sanity, and jump into this program. Alanon will help you tremendously. Keep coming back, it works if you work it....

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP....
Early sobriety represents CHANGE, and change often scary - not only for the A - but also for those around them.... Your concerns are both valid, AND surprisingly common.... Even though your life with your active A was chaotic and (at times) out of control, it was what you knew, and became your "comfort level", to some extent....

He's appearing to be headed towards sobriety, which is awesome.... what a perfect time for you to dive, head first, into your own recovery.... Go fall in love with Babygirl71 all over again - you'll learn tons, and the experience will be most gratifying.... Time to put some of that energy onto you, and the positive things in your life...

Take care
Tom

babygirl71 · Member

Thank you everyone. It is good to know that maybe I'm not crazy (well completely at least) and it's good to know I'm not alone. I woke up today (I work nights) and had a piece of pie for breakfast, because I can, lol and the house is quiet and I don't have anywhere I have to "run" on my first night off and I feel kind of liberated. But I also am struggling with missing him terribly, even though he was driving me crazy. I'm not great with change, even when it's for the best. And I guess I am going to have to teach myself how to be healthy again. My daughter is home from college and we are going to have "girls night" tonight and I have to allow myself to veg out and have a good time and stop worrying about everything. I do have everything in my name- the house, vehicles, etc, so that is good. I'm glad I came here and I will continue to do so. I'm also mustering up the courage slowly to attend my first meeting. My Mom is a therapist and has been after me to do that for years! She also loved an A. He died from his disease many years ago. But I still feel kind of lost and sad. And I do miss my A and I am worried about him and about myself. :( I think a huge turning point for me in this relationship was in November. I had a hysterectomy because I was sick and he was sober the weekend before my surgery, sober when I went in to surgery and drunk when I came out. He helped take care of me the week after (of course skipped work and was sneaking drinks out in the garage). After that something in me changed. And I still feel HUGE resentment for him being like that when I needed him most. I'm still not completely healed and that may be part of why I am so mad. It's not fair! I went back to work after 3 weeks, working my tail off, taking care of everything and now he sits in treatment. Grrrrrr. I'm babbling now. And whether it's right or wrong I am pissed that he gets coddled for his self inflicted disease. That is probably the wrong thing to say, and I'm sure I have much to learn, but that keeps going through my head. When did I become such an angry person? lol Anyway- thanks once again for listening.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"