The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so frustrated with my ABF! First I would like to say that in the past couple of weeks since we started having issues I have started seeing my shrink again, gone to my first alanon meeting, and joined a gym. I am working on finding things to do besides thinking about and dealing with him. Rescently he has been pushing me away but then holding on at the same time. After two weeks of screaming and getting no where we finally had a phone conversation that didn't result in me crying to days ago and I am more confused then ever. Do to his almost over night changes and me acting like a crazy person there has been a lot of stress. Seeing that it came out of no place and at the suggestion of others in both alanon and not I came out with it and asked him if he has been drinking (sober for three years now). I told him I wouldn't judge but I just needed to know. He denied it, he said his life was perfect and he was good with God. That his problem was all the drama I bring. That he needed to go out there and meet someone who he could spend the rest of his life with. It really hurt, but I didn't get upset. I continued to discuss our relashionship and why he suddenly had a change of heart. Not even ten minutes later he changed his story to you are such a great girl with so much going for you I just want you to work on yourself and be happy. I know you are obsessed with me and do this for me, do that for me. You belong to me, you know who is in charge. What is this?! Looking for someone else one second and I'm perfect and your property the next? I was mentioned something about a dry alcoholic still saying or doing the things they did when they were drinking while they were sober. Is this kind of mind twisting just that. Is this normal for someone who is a sober A to be doing? We are supposed to be on a break to think about things....I don't even know what an appropriate amount of time is to give? I love him, I know I need to work on me, but I just don't understand it.
Is this normal ?? nothing is normal when dealing with alcoholism and if he is sober he is all over the map , sobriety takes awhile its just not , not drinking there is an attitude that comes with this disease everything much change to call it sobriety* just my opinion * and since he is still blaming you for his problem theres a good chance he is still drinking , come here go away is common in our relationships thier way or no way when its convienent for them very little consideration for your feelings . Take care of yourself keep going to meetings get to know the real you become who you were meant to be and get your life back . With or with out him your gonna be fine .. Louise
Really so the come here go there is common? It is so strange to me, my problem is I want a logical solution for everything and there isn't one. I wonder if it is a control thing, like the alcoholic finds it difficult to control his dependancy on the alcohol so he does what he pleases with his relashionships? I do plan on keep working on myself. It is just very frustrating. Just when everything is calm a storm comes.
Another look at it is an invitation to look at yourself as partner in the crises. The best way for me to do that was from inside the Al-Anon Program were I got/get to take a sound look at me and what was going on with me and why I did what I did. I played a part in the insanity which didn't make it any less alcoholism however the denial that I was also responsible contributed to my illness. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know. When the finger got pointed at me I never even considered that "hey maybe I need to find out." I left here along and attended to my own discovery and lots of what I found out made me cringe especially if I looked at the discovery as if I was in her shoes. Being married to an active alcoholic was the ticket to getting into the program and staying and all of the work was about me...not her. I hope there are lots of meetings available where you live so you can continue on the journey you have just started.
Keep coming back...this does work when you work it. ((((hugs))))
I understand the confusion - I tried to apply logic - it doesn't work - my ex A (I can say that now he has left) would either smother me with love or reject me with hate - very little middle ground. Did I contribute - well I didn't cause his drinking but I made every mistake there is and its only after being in al-anon for some time I can see the part I played.
That was my ignorance and my failing to see what I needed to change, as I attended to those changes and started to grow the A became increasingly determined to draw me back into insanity.
I may not like where I am today- but I can do something about for me - because that is the only thing I can change
Trying to find logic in an illogical disease will make you crazy There is no logic Please take this time to work your program, and work on you. Get your focus off your bf and on to you. If things are meant to be they will be if not they won't....but in the mean time you will be working your own recovery and getting healthy. Blessings
Free Again, It must be a sign for you to bring up the emotional abuse. My shrink last night just expressed to me that he felt besides the ABF being an A, that he felt there were some other underlined issues causing him to "emotionally abuse" me. That there was some kind of reason other then his alcoholism that he needs to feel superior and in control on his terms. He suggested I continue coming on these boards and going to alanon if I was staying in the relashionship. He also suggested I make a list of good and bad things about us. He even suggested bringing my ABF to a session. It's funny when most of us think about being victims of abuse we think of being hit. But words are powerful and a more effective way of bringing us down. When my ABF acts this way I feel unattractive and unworthy. Yet I know I am not. I am smart, I attend a big ten school, I'm out going, I am attractive for goodness sakes I was a national beauty queen. I have lots of thinking and praying to do.
