The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a couple of weeks since I was last on here. Christmas and New Years went surprisingly well.
That quickly changed though. One night while talking, he said something about us not having relations (it's been a month and a half). I said I was sorry, that I have issues to deal with, and I just don't want to... that we are just having a dry spell. He then says to me that a river drives up, but at least a river has a chance to get a rain spell, whereas he sees no end... All I have to say to that is.... shrug my shoulders and tell him... well too bad.. deal with it.
He was suppose to see his addiction counsellor today, and just like the previous 3 sessions, he has chosen not to go. At first I said that he can't cancel, he has to go.. But then I quickly realized what I was saying, and apologized, and said I take that back. You are a grown man, and you can make your own decisions. Needless to say... No comment from him.
I have yet to get to any meetings, but still seeing counsellors on my own.
Hi Evian.... any reason for the above?? You sound frustrated with his progress (or lack thereof), and that is understandable.... It's pretty easy to commisserate with you, and agree that he "wants relations but doesn't want to do any other positive changes for himself"....
I guess my question is - what about you?? Counselling is likely helping (IF your counselor is trained in addictions counselling), but my two cents would be that Al-Anon would help you even more.... You'll find yourself surrounded by people who understand what you are dealing with, who are experiencing similar things, and it is quite empowering and uplifting....
One of my favourite old sayings: "He will either drink (or ask for sex, or blow off his own recovery), or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
My main reason for not going to an alanon meeting is this.... My oldest son is in Air Cadets and they meet on Monday nights from 6:30-9:00.... the alanon meeting starts at 8. Yes, it's important for me to get help, but it's also important to me that my son can participate in that program. I had worked crazy shift work over the last few yrs, and my kids suffered from that as well.. Unable to take part in any after school activities. I am seeing two counsellors.. One is an addiction counsellor and one is from the Canadian Mental Health Centre.
Can someone else pick up your son from Air Cadets while you are at the meeting?
I have had to arrange my schedule to ask for help to get to my Monday meetings so that my kid can go to his gymnastis class. Although I would rather be there watching him, I am a healthier and better mother when I am focusing on my recovery and taking steps to keep myself out of the insanity I so easily get caught up in.
Unfortunately not.. Can NEVER depend on AH to do anything, and most of the people I know work different hours. I'm going to have to figure something out. If it comes down to it, I'll just have to have my son meet me once he's done his thing. I don't feel comfortable about that, but I do have to do something
I know you have struggles with scheduling - I am fortunate that I can fit meetings in and around my work schedule - up t 3 a week if needed. I've gained SO much insight and support from Alanon ... it is truly the reason I've been able to manage the last year+. I really hope you can find a way to get some meetings in - it's wierd how the more you attend - the more meaning they are; it's like you learn to absorb and process more with time.
I've been married to my AH for 21+ years and he's been a heavy drinker for 10+. He went into inpatient treatment 18 mo ago and relasped around T'giving 2010. Made a commitment to get backto his program after Christmas and so far so good. We started marriage counseling last week - as we both have murmured the idea of a seperation.
Drinking has obviously been one of challenges but intimacy has been mine for some time: 12+ years, not abstinance but down to 1-2 times a month. I'm not a "driven" woman in that respect and we've had challenges: infertility treatments, miscarriage, and drinking. We also had to close his business of 3 years after his treatment and are now closing on our personal bankruptcy.
The counselor was very good and said we can sort of start over ... date nights, define my romance, etc. I love him - he's been my partner for almost 25 yrs but I TRULY hung up on this part: I need to change to keep my marriage? Intimacy is only a couple times a month (1-2x) but I don't miss it, wish for it, want it - yes, I own this. I know it's very hard on him but it's very hard on me to be there just for him.
Spoke to a friend today and her words continue to resonate with me. She was not baffled by my lack of interest; she felt that security, protection, strength made men most attractive and how could I possible feel that way towards him right now? I worry about money, we've emptied retirement accounts, spent money earned on good investments, etc. and now he's changing careers and back to school - won't have his BS until 2013.
He made a comment that "he could stop drinking but nothing else will change". I told him it takes time for me to get my feet on the ground after a relapse, or treatment, or previous constant heavy drinking.
I'm troubled with where my pity party stops and starts and what is realistic for him or anyone to expect of me? AM I not seeing the enitre picture? In Alanon we talked about Step 1 today (been going for 18 months - saved me time and time again) and after our marriage counseling I feel like I'm right back at step 1.
I think I've just receeded into my corner when we are alone but I'm a fuller person outside the house.
I do understand what you are going through ... Take care.
There are online meetings here at 9pm that anyone can join in on at anytime. There is this board, which is what I can get to every day, and my sponsor helps me as well. I am working the steps and when I finally embraced that I was truly powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic, I began to see that I was the person to focus on. I did divorce my ex who was a rage-aholic, and I never wanted relations with him, because he was so mean, all of the time. The meetings on the chat room here are really helpful, and there for those of us who can't get to regular face to face meetings. I have a 12 hour day, with my ride to work, work day, picking up kids and getting home. By the time I am home, I have about an hour to do stuff with the kids, dinner etc. Then its 8pm and they have to get ready for bed. When they are in bed, my bf and I get an hour and then I am asleep. I know time constraints well. Take care of you, thats what alanon is for :)
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Around where I am they only have meetings once a week... Which is really crazy because in the area where we are have a very high rate of alcohol and drug abuse.
As for the online meetings on here.. I tried to the one day, but the computer kept messing up and wouldn't load for the meeting.. I feel stuck.
((((EVIAN)))) you can use this board as well for meetings. I do that because I don't usually have time for actual meetings or chat. My schedule is too hectic. For this reason I have a sponsor from online and I am working the steps with her. I can call her, text her, and instant message her whenever I need to...Read on here, this board has tons of stuff. Read the literature from alanon/codependency. You can do a search here on any topic and tons of shares will come up to read. You can private message the ones who have been here a long time and ask them questions about things you don't understand. We all love to help others see what we have found. This board is a wonderful place to ask about all the steps, the topics, the slogans etc. I read the literature, think on it and post about it. Getting you thinking about you and focusing on you is the way to begin to feel better in your own program :) Take care!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Sunflowergirl... Thank you for all of that. I've also had technical trouble accessing the meetings here at 9pm. You've helped me to see this message board/website as so much more than just a message board. Again, thanks very much!
Please join us for our online meetings twice daily I totally get you wanting to be there for your son and I would be the same so join us online and get your feet wet a bit We will welcome you with open arms Blessings
I went to see yet another counsellor today.. She said that I have to be accountable for myself, my actions, and told me to definately get to a meeting or do it online or whatever it is I need to do. Thanks for the suggestions and support thus far. It means alot to me. :D
