"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

BlazeB · Newbie

Worried sick, frustrated, and unhappy . . .

DreamXL · Senior Member

Blaze thank you for your post. Please keep that commitment to keep going to f2f meetings so that you can find yourself. We tend to get so lost in the life of the addict that we lose our own life. We want someone else to be happy as we see the destruction that they are doing to themselves and forget about our own happiness. We tend over time to forget about our own wants, needs and desires and place wishes for another ahead of our own. I dont think the addicted person does that. They are doing exactly what they want, it is their choice to live as they are. If they wanted it differently they would get help. We also have on line meetings here as well twice a day, perhaps join in a few as they are really great...Thanks so much and please keep coming back :) blessings your way.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

you have all the control, over you, your life. We have to take our own lives back.

When we "help" the A, clean them up, clean their house, help them when they are sick, we just get them ready/strong enough to drink/use more.

We do them NO favors worrying over them, doing for them. We are helping the disease. Its like giving a diabetic sugary pies, candy etc.

We learn in Al Anon to leave them to "their" disease. They have to figure out for themselves how miserable they are, and they must help themself. Only then will it become unmanageable for THEM and they will wante THEIR life back!

Do you see what I mean?

I know you love this person and care. I have been there. I am telling you the best thing I ever did was walk into Al Anon, and turn it all over to my HP. Saved my life.

Its ok to say no. Look at how great ya did when she wanted more "help!" You were strong enough to say this is what I am willing to do. period. GREAT program!

Glad you are here! hugs,debilyn

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi BlazeB - sorry you are feeling down, but if it makes you feel any better, your offer of helping your friend if they want to go to Detox was a great one - it gives them the dignity and ability to choose to accept the help towards their sobriety, while at the same time gives you the ability to offer something, without simply enabling them....

Sounds like you could use some positive inspiration at the moment, so perhaps you need to also think about the thousands of miracles & success stories that happen out of this dreadful addiction.... I've copied below a post of mine from back in 2007, but it is every bit as applicable today - the celebration and achievement of sobriety is something to behold....

Take care
Tom

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I'm working out of town this week, so had the opportunity last night to attend "cake night" at the Treatment Center where my ex-A-wife got sober five years ago.... I hadn't been back there for years, but 'cake night' is a celebration of sobriety, where people come up front and receive their sobriety chips for 3mos, 6mos, 9mos, 1yr, and any full year thereafter. Saw lots of relatively newly sober people, and saw some with many years of sobriety. Their stories are stunningly similar, but it really IS a positive experience, filled with hope and excitement about the future. Right outside the door of the main building (on purpose), there is also a wall plaque, naming patients from this facility who have died as a result of their addictions. That board never ceases to catch my full attention. The brotherhood and support that the addicts have for each other is quite phemomenal.... Many who come back for their chip, after all these years of sobreity, do so with the sole intention of sharing their stories and hope with the newbies..... The looks on some of the new people, currently residing in the facility, can be downright scary, as most of them are scared out of their wits - equally scared of relapsing AND of sobriety. What a cool way to spend an evening out of town..... I feel refreshed, and my spirit has been lifted & inspired. If anyone is interested at looking at their website, this particular "House of Miracles" is called Edgewood, and their web address is www.edgewood.ca This is the facility where I went to the week long "Insite" program as well, and it was like a one week long intensive group therapy session..... It's a private facility, and therefore quite expensive to attend (I was fortunate enough for my work to pay for my ex's treatment stay - over $12,000 at the time) - but their results are quite phenomenal. Tom

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Blaze)))

You are doing a great job, I understand and feel your compassoin & concerned for your friend. Keep attending your f2f meetings, keep working your program. Practice, practice, practice. Keep the focus on yourself and always take care of yourself first, as you did yesterday.

Admitting that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable is the key. Once we believe and accept "Step One", turn our alcoholic over to our HP 100%, and get out of his way, our lives will get better.

I did, and it was not only the best thing I ever did for myself, but also for the alcoholic in my life. HP is doing a wonderful job, and I have more time to take care of me.

HUGS,
RLC

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Blaze

Wow i hear and feel the pain in your post and am very sorry this disease is taking such a toll on you.
I know it is difficult to hear the pain of others stories but please keep your ears open as to what these other alanoners did to relieve thier pain. regain thier lives and learn how to live in peace and serenity. That is where much of your lessons will be learned.
Please keep that promise of going to alanon and really working the program. you will never be sorry.
It is wonderful you offerred to take your friend to detox and gave her the dignity of making her own choice,
The only thing i would add is you said when you went to her place you made sure she was comfortable and in comfortable surroundings and that normally is a loving gesture. But when dealing with an A at that point you are robbing them of the dignity of taking respondsibilities for thier own choices. if she passes out on the floor, in the front yard wherever than that is where she should wake. as long as we keep making them "comfortable" we cushion thier bottom and they never get to the point where they seek help. I know what a hard thing it is to do believe me, my son is my A. And i had to learn to let him feel the "natural" consequenses of his behavior as painful as it was for me to do so.
I wish you the best....keep posting
Blessings

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"