The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight I learned that my biological Dad had another mini stroke and is in the hospital for treatment of a blood clot in the left ventricle of his heart. My Dad has lived many years on borrowed time due to heart disease. The blood clot is not in the best place, as it can break off, travel to the brain and cause a large stroke, etc.
My Dad has been blessed with nine lives plus. I pray for another as I still very much need him in my life.
I called my sister, who I have not spoken to in over 10 years, to let her know. She is mentally ill and has hurt me very badly in the past.
Ironically, it is my Dad's wish that one day I will speak with her and we can be close. My Dad could 'overlook' how my sister's illness affected the rest of the family. My skin was/ is not that thick.
I do not imagine that I can ever overcome my hurt, as it was that large. I do forgive her as I know she isn't well... but I am too fearful of chancing a relationship with her.
Tonight I did get a chance to practice. She told me that she is bursting to let me know how angry she is with me for not being in touch with her. I was able to voice that I was hurt and afraid of repeats. It was good we could communicate this with each other calmly. It may not have resolved anything, but it felt like an alanon tool at work.
Working on strengthening my relationship with God tonight as I pray for good outcomes.
It is a city hospital and as of late last night, there were no beds. So he stayed in the ER lounge and I hope they started treatment.
I wanted to, but I can't take my sister with me. It would be a 4 hour round trip in the car and I feel horrible and terribly guilty, but I can't do it. I want to be a good person and a good sister. The hurt and fear of her hurting me again are too great.
We have to take care of ourselves and knowing what we can handle RIGHT NOW is a big thing. I don't spend a lot of time with my step mom for just this reason, I can't handle it, and my sponsor told me, one day I would be able to and for now its ok to do things this way. Take care of you, pray for good outcomes and then let it go.... expectations drag us down....
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I see other family members taking care of themselves and imposing their expectations on me. It does still make me uncomfortable, but I am no longer feeling obligated or feeling a need to explain myself. I already know that even if I jumped through their hoops, it would never be enough.
Prayers being sent for you and dad As far as your sister it sounds as though you have compassion for her illness but are not able to get emeshed in her illness and ya know, that's okay. It's time to take care of you....in the long run as harsh as this may sound we don't owe anyone any more than we are able or willing to give...as there are those out there can and will see our kindess as an act of weakness an prey on it. Please take care of you and keep us posted okay? Blessings
Thank you Xeno! Greatly appreciated! It is difficult to not act on compassion, as well.
My Dad is doing better- I am so happy! The doctor discharged him from the hospital late today, after showing him how to inject himself with anticoagulant medicine.
My Mom is upset because she doesn't want the 'germs' of the hospital syringes in their apartment. She fought him returning home because of her OCD about it.
Instead of being angry with her attitude, I am able to see irony. Dad and Mom have been living with each other for decades. Tonight, I am able to step back and not try and fix anything for them. Instead I prayed.
As for my sister, who said she couldn't drive, the next day she called saying she has a Land Cruiser and could drive me in the snow if I wanted. I see her good intention as well as the inconsistency and manipulation.
My HP took care of this as well. I did not travel with her and we each retained our dignity in the situation.
