The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sure that every single parent on this board can relate to this: I am constantly told "I don't know how you do it." Technically, I am not a single parent, because I am married. But my AH works 600 miles away right now, so in essence I am single parenting my three kids. My family does not live near me, and my mother's health is so poor that she could not be of any significant help, anyway.
I just feel like all my responsibilities and obligations are crushing me. I'm having some health issues, and that seems to be the straw that is breaking the camel's back right now. Intellectually I know that I need to do some self-care, but the reality is that I just don't know how to accomplish that right now. It's all I can do to get up, go to work, come home, take care of the house and the dogs and the kids, and not totally lose my mind with worry about my health. And yes, I feel myself starting to feel VERY resentful that I am totally unable to talk about how I feel with my AH, because it ALWAYS results in a fight because the ONLY thing that matters to him is how he feels about something. I guess I just feel so frustrated, and very, very alone. I know I need to work my program (and in some ways, I am...I'm getting better at detaching from certain things where my AH is concerned), but I feel...I don't know...stuck, I guess. I'm so scared and I'm so tired of having to do it all alone, every single day.
I know we've all gone through these tough times. Any ESH are much appreciated.
I was not techincally a single mom for quite a few years as my husband was a long haul truck driver for years and only home 3 days a month. and that experience made me have total respect for all single moms out there. My kids were pretty young at the time like 5 and 9. My daughter had serious health issues and I had to work full time and there never seemed like enough hours in the day to get things done. Now my spouse is not an A so in that way we differ, and he called home each night to talk with the kids and me. But i was struggling and knew i had to do something different so that the kids could be active and i could somehow get my mind off our money troubles the a's in our lives and such. So I signed my son up for baseball and daughter up for softball. We were on the go 24/7 they each had 2 practices and 2 games a week. i would stay for each of thier practices and each of thier games of course. We pretty much lived out of our car for years it seemed. Now I originally did this thinking it would help my children stay busy and not miss thier dad so much but what I found was this. In sitting through all those practices and games was the best thing at the time I could have done for myself. It totally got my mind off the troubling things and while i sat in the park hour after hour, day after day i found that while i was there, there was no time to obsess or think about other things happening in my life and all those years it was the most relaxing time of my life, because all i had to concentrate on was being in the great outdoors in a peaceful setting. And it was not only great for my kids it was totally peaceful for me. Hope I am making sense here This was all way before i found my way to alanon and that was my coping skill to keep us all busy and involved with things other than the A's we did have in our lives and our own troubles. I realize you are not in the greatest of health but the good part was i didn't have to do a thing excpet kick back a relax. Got myself a comfy chair and would often bring a book. I dont know if this is an option for you but it worked wonders for me while my husband was gone for so long wishing you the best Blessings
I am a single mom. I pretty much have been since I had each of my son's with their respective fathers. I have two sons, one is 14 and one is 8. For me, I have had to learn how to make boundaries with them.
I am teaching my older son to take care of his own laundry, and he is also learning to cook some stuff. He watches his little brother as well, when I need him to so I can rest or do something like go to the grocery store etc.
For my younger son, I am teaching him to allow me to rest on the weekends til a reasonable hour, he is capable of getting himself some cereal and watching cartoons for a bit while I sleep in and so I am teaching him that its ok to do that.
I am pretty sure these are things most kids can learn to do, and not NEED on mommy so much. Of course I am there for them, and I am working on showing them how to be decent, independent human beings. I work on not being a helicopter parent (meaning I work on not shadowing them around trying to do everything for them), because I believe then they will not grow up to be competent adults if I hover around them all the time.
Even though my disease screams at me to do everything for them and tells me I am a bad mom if I sleep in a bit on the weekend, I am working on not doing that and not feeding my disease anymore....
Anyway, I feel your pain, I know its hard to be a "single" mom. Your health is important, so now is the time to (depending on their age) teach the kids to start doing some stuff on their own. Giving you time to take care of you. For me, the disease likes excuses to take care of myself. It likes when I have to tell everyone sob stories for a reason to lay down and relax...so I work on taking care of myself pre-emptively....
I like the idea of having them join a sport or other activity. I have mine take karate two nights a week, that is two hours for me to sit and relax. Another idea is the library. I have worked on fostering a love of books with my boys and we go to the library each week. Its a time of quiet and focus on books and just being together somewhere calm. Walks in the woods or taking them to a huge used book store works too...
I stick to routines as much as possible, same bath time, story time, bed time each night. We have rituals at bed time, certain things that make them feel calm... The calm in you will radiate to the kids, which is what I was talking about in my post below yours.... Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.... Take care of you, ask HP for guidance, work the steps.... HUGS!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Clep: My daughters are 11 and 7, and my son is 8 months old.
Xeno, thanks for the ESH! Yes, we talk to my H every day, and while he drinks, he is not getting drunk and most of his behavior is still "dry drunk" behavior at this point. I know he loves and cares about us, but he is so resentful about having to be away that he is 99.9% focused on himself almost all the time. I am not allowed to talk about having a bad day, or being stressed, or having a tough time. I love your suggestions about getting the kids involved in activities. That can be hard, because my girls are with their dad half of the time, but I don't know if I don't investigate, right?
SFG, you are absolutely right about my older kids learning to do more for themselves. That's something I started on with them after the baby was born last spring, but I need to delegate more to them. They are capable, intelligent girls. :) And money is very tight for us, so it may be tough to get them into activities that cost money, but going to the library is a FANTASTIC idea!
Stephanie.... for me, the very essence of the Serenity Prayer is what helped guide me..... focussing your time & attention on the things you CAN control (i.e. your kids, what is going on at the house, your work, your self-care, etc), and not on the stuff you cannot (pretty much everything to do with your absentee hubby) is about the best we can do.....
The reality is that you DO have a lot on your plate right now, so doing the best with the tools you have is important.....
This is where our slogans really ARE more than just words - they are absolutely working tools..... .One Day At A Time - can be broken down to one day, or one hour, or one minute - whatever the case or need may be....
How Important Is It - another good one, good practice to examine what you are focussing your time & attention on, to see if it is the most important things.... (my sponsor used to remind me to focus on the whats, and not the whys - and to ask myself "if I knew the answer to what I was worrying about, would it really change anything?")
For the record, it sounds like you are doing well - just (understandably) and hopefully (temporarily) overwhelmed by life....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The reason I asked the ages of your children is to see if they are old enough to help out and feel contribution.
Since your children are not old enough to be left alone, that is limiting, but there are still things you can do.
I took lots of parenting courses. They are often free and have child minding. I take my son to the library. I look online consistently for free activities in my city to take my son to. There are many. That get's me out with my children and can be used as valuable incentives for doing their part.
Your older children can be of a great aid. Each can do separate chores daily that aids the family unit, and fosters self worth for the children.
Self care is the most important. For me that meant that my son might have cereal on the weekend instead of pancakes, bacon, eggs, fresh fruit etc. I sleep in now and leave him to get his own breakfast. We have a goal set and I race him to see if he can be eaten, dressed with his room clean and a picture drawn of what inspires him before I can get out of bed. I get my time, he feels accomplished, thinks about his day and plans it out in a positive way before he even sees me. Then we play a game together or something. Even if it is half an hour. Maybe you could get a bottle ready for one of your children to give your baby in the morning on the weekend and have a reward for that somehow.
Before I even come out of my room I read my daily readers and work my program. I find all sorts of ways to ensure I have my time. I am such a caretaker I have taken on so much for my son without realizing it, robbing him of the ability to care for himself to the extent his age allows. In the process I have robbed myself of time for myself and spread myself thin.
My A is in the home now, but there was a time he wasn't. I started a babysitting coop so I always had free babysitting and I also moved a girl into my house to care for my son in exchange for cheap rent.
At nine oclock every night I shut down. If my house is messy, so what. I don't care what is going on, I take from nine to ten to myself every night. In that way I am always refreshed and recharged for the next day. I can emotionally handle more when I care for myself.
Your A is sick and can't be there right now for you in those most meaningful ways. We can though so keep posting, live your program. We are here for you.
Thanks so much! Tom, your "how important is it" mantra reminds me of a tool I use with my older daughter, who tends to fret (like mother, like daughter I guess). We call it the rule of 10s. We talk through what is bothering her, and we discuss how important it will be in 10 minutes, in 10 days, and in 10 years. That often helps her put things in perspective at least a little. Sounds like I need to take my own advice! LOL
Clep, I appreciate your input, too, very much. I think instead of feeling guilty that we don't have the time or the resources to do a lot of things outside the home, I should focus on things we can do together at home (play board games, do puzzles, etc.). I think we would *all* feel better if we spent more quality time together (as it is, I am away from home 11-12 hours a day because of work and my commute). I LOVE that you shut down at 9:00. That is a GREAT suggestion, because I am totally that kind of person who really just needs to set a deadline like that, and then not worry about things that remain undone. 9:00 onward will be "me" time, for me to do as I please.
I completely agree with Clep on shutting down at 9pm. If stuffs not done, I leave it. I am learning that I don't have to obsess about a clean house, clean this, clean that, as long as the kids are clean, fed and healthy and happy thats all that matters. Also, there are usually lots of free things to do, walks, hikes, beach in the winter is beautiful, and even walking the neighborhood. My kids love games, love them! So we play a lot of board games. I splurged at xmas and got them a Wii so we play that too... coloring, drawing, expressing themselves are great things that are quiet to do together... Love this thread! :) Thanks all!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Hear, hear, SFG! I love that we have made this thread into something positive to help those of us with younger children at home.
Honestly, we have a huge stack of board games that we almost never play. Well, not anymore! I have the girls this weekend, and we will be playing the heck out of those games!
Stephanie, I have my kids a few days a week and every other weekend, and they look forward to family game night, which extends into every day of the weekend! LOL... Its great for them and us :) My bf really enjoys it too :) I don't have a lot of money either and with my commute I am gone from 6:20am til 6:20pm, so I feel ya on the tight schedule. This too shall pass... it is what we make of it and I always try to REMAIN CALM... :) Great stuff here, and its nice to know what others do with their kiddos :)
-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Tuesday 4th of January 2011 03:17:07 PM
__________________
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
yep been there done that one for 14 yrs , husb was always working away from home so I started to do something for me , first I found a good sitter and took myself out to lunch with a friend , then I found Al-Anon and if I had to I hired a sitter so I could get to my meetings . our kids want a happy mom not one who occasionally resents being the one in charge so taking time for yourself is a must and besides I think the kids enjoyed my being away from them as much as I did everyone needs a break I reminded myself often that his work is what allowed us to live comfortably eat well and have a nice warm roof over our heads , gratitude took awhile but eventually i got there . take care of you and you will all be much happier . Louise
I am another alanoner in similar shoes. It isn't and has not been easy. Raising children is not easy without extra obstacles.
Everyone gave great suggestions. I will add that it feels crushing, but you will not be crushed. Recognizing there is much to balance and knowing there are alanon tools to help will support you through this. To manage my resentments and detach, it is helpful to remind myself that the A has a disease and that he is sick.
Great thread really my kids are all grown up now but I love the idea of the library, both my children were/are avid readers. Also shutting down by 9pm so everyone including yourself gets down time... I did teach my children to start doing thier own laundry and stuff by age 11 but that was out of pure frustration this darn kids tried on 8 outfits a morning trying to figure out what to wear then discarding the clothes on the floor making me think they were dirty. I am not sure how many years i washed perfectly clean clothes but I sure knew when i had enough of it LOL.
I reminded myself often that his work is what allowed us to live comfortably eat well and have a nice warm roof over our heads , gratitude took awhile but eventually i got there . take care of you and you will all be much happier . Louise
