Boyfriend is coming home from treatment tomorrow - Al-Anon Family Group

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

Boyfriend is coming home from treatment tomorrow

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was fortunate that when my A was in that stage after rehab he went to his 90 meetings in 90 days, AA. So in recovery he went to AA and had a strong recovery program.

If I were you I would get going to meetings. When both are in a strong recovery program it goes so much better.

Same program. One day at a time, we don't know what is ever going to happen, so no sense in worrying about something that may or may not happen.

Enjoy each moment, it is all very precious. Let it be what it is.

The more al anon skills you learn and use, the better for you. His program is his own if he uses or not. We can get strong enough to be ok no matter what they do.

glad you are here. love,deb

suave75 · Veteran Member

I will be nervous if and when that happened to me. I would be patient and kind. Take care of yourself during the transition.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I felt exactly like you just described. I hated being alone but at the same time I missed him. I wanted him back, yet I didn't. I wanted my husband back, but not the way he was when he left. I was nervous, anxious, and scared of what was to be.

I took it one day at a time. I tried work on my recovery from this disease and stay out of his business. There will be some changes in your life and hopefully, they will all be good ones! Peace to you.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

When my bf returned, he didn't want to be in rehab in the first place and was in denial about his disease. He returned home to us (his parents and me) drunk from the airplane ride from Florida to here in New England.... He has since relapsed and been sober off and on. He is right now as we speak detoxing at home from using opiates... He has finally realized he WANTS the change I speak of and show around the house... I wish you all the best, and remember to keep to your recovery program. Abbyal has taught me so much from her posts of living with the active addiction/alcoholic... Getting them Sober was the best book I could find on that topic along with Courage to Change, The Language of Letting Go and the book The New Codependency... Keep coming back and going to Alanon :)

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am in the same situation but not with my husband it is our son.
He was 14 months in jail...10 of those on the jail/rehab unit at the end of his sentence he was allowed to leave the jail each day to find a job...as a condition of his release he must have a job working 30 or more hours a week ( not easy as a felon to find work) and he had to have a place to live. Well he found a job thankfully and owner of a shop willing to take a chance on him...but he did not have the resources to be able to find a place to live.
We had told him coming home this time was not an option however we bent our boundary a bit so he could get out of jail and look for a place to live. We have given him 6 weeks and if he hasn't found a place by then, then he will go to a sober living home.
But I know exactly what you are feeling. We were happy to see him out of jail, working, going to therapy and leading a productive life. But as happy as we were we are also anxious and wary as to how he would act while out.
It has been 2 weeks so far and he has done all the right things as far as we can see, yet we still wait for that other shoe to drop.
So when i get those feelings of anxiety and fear I stop and surrender my life as well as my sons to my HP and let his will be done. I give it to HP to take care of and then i get busy to get my focus off son and onto me or doing something else.
Trust has to be earned so it is hard to say that when your bf comes home you are going to trust him... you may not. But I have also found that if I am looking for signs that my son maybe relapsing I will find them even if he is doing nothing wrong.
So it is a fine line we all walk in the beginning Us and the A's. We are getting to know each other again and that can be uncomfortable for all of us. But in working your program you can get thru this.
Lean on your HP any time you need to, he will always be there
Keep posting
Blessings

Sangyaa · Veteran Member

Hi Everyone, thanks for writing back!
Picked up my boyfriend this morning, he seems in very good spirits. I realized that a big source of my anxiety was my feeling like I had to ensure a smooth transition for him- when I thought about it, I could see that that isn't my job. When I am able to step outside of my feelings, I can see that things might not be easy or smooth, but that's okay, this is hard stuff.
One great thing that has come from these months boyfriend has been in treatment is that I don't seem to be worrying so much about him and what he's doing. Obviously, I would prefer that he stayed sober and in active recovery, but I don't feel the need to keep asking him where he's going, how he's feeling, etc. That used to be such a huge source of stress for me.
Anyway, I know its only the first day, but I am very hopeful and I feel pretty confident in my own ability to handle things as they come up.

Anyway, thanks again for your responses. They all helped me today.

Ellie

danielle0516 · Senior Member

Hi Sangyaa,

I know exactly how you feel. My AH was in detox (for 10 days) over Christmas, he's been home for 3 days now...and sometime soon (we find out when tomorrow) he'll be off to rehab for 28 days.

When I had to get him from detox I was excited to see him and really anxious and worried at the same time. I wanted him to come home, but I didn't. I was at peace and way happier when he was gone... but I missed him, but I only missed the old him, the old man I fell in love with who so rarely made an appearance anymore.... so why did I miss him? ugg, So weird...such a scrambled mixture of emotions.

How did it work out? Well, I absolutely forced myself to focus on me when AH came home. The day he came home, I had plans with some girlfriends to go hang out, have coffee, ect. I didn't want to go, my first thought was: stay home and make sure AH is ok. My second thought was: don't be ridiculous and put your life on hold, secondary to his, GO OUT. It was not easy, but I went out all afternoon and hung out with my friends, I had fun with them, didn't worry about AH so much. I was happy I decided to go out and not obsess with AH at home.

I came back home, AH was fine. AH hasn't drank alcohol since coming home from detox. (This is only day 3 at home).

I'm always reminding myself to focus on me, it's easier that way.

My AH also came home from detox all hopeful and excited about recovery. I also notice he is starting to behave a little less selfishly and less like a child. baby steps. He also looked like a brand new person when he came home - he looked healthy. I was blown away when I saw him... I guess I got so used to how sick he looked, that the healthy him was so surprising to me.

Before AH came home I was so anxious and wanted to understand more of what he was going through, what to expect ect.., so I posted on the AA message boards about it. I also like hearing from and talking with the recovered alcoholics, they can always add another perspective to the situation. You can check that thread out at the link below. :)

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?aBID=42735&p=3&topicID=40194857

Take care...
Danielle

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Tuesday 4th of January 2011 11:46:14 PM

-- Edited by danielle0516 on Tuesday 4th of January 2011 11:47:33 PM

ntxalanon · Veteran Member

My wife is coming home Friday from a 30 day treatment facilityand I can relate. Not sure what to expect but I know she will be very busy getting her life back on track with IOP/Meetings. Looking forward to having her home though.

clep · Senior Member

When mine returned he didn't do very well on the inside, but appeared to for a couple of months. He relapsed and ended up doing very well after that for about a year. He then started skipping meetings and ended up quitting his program a couple of weeks ago.

I contributed to his relapse looking back. I rode him about his recovery, counted meetings, told him how to work his program etc.

Now that I am doing it all over again I am just working my own program. I watch myself closely, not my A. I have my own friends, hobbies, work with my sponsor often, practice detachment with love and strive daily to be the best version of myself I can be.

Even though things are not good for my A right not, they aren't bad between us and things are great for me personally.

Blessings

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