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I am 51 and have a group a friends who have been together since Junior High. Lately, we all gather twice a year for an extended weekend and play nickle poker, chat, play some dics golf, etc....
We have a Super Bowl weekend coming up at my place.
We often drink wine while playing poker or with dinner, but we have not been a "party" group that way.
Regarding one friend....I think I have been slow on the uptake.
18 months ago, I was going to meet "Ted" in Reno for dinner, which usually included a cocktail....but "Ted" appeared late and obviously drunk, but I figured it was an anomaly.
12 months ago, "Ted" came to town for a gathering with "Rob" and "Rob" told us how "Ted" had arrived very drunk at the airport ("Ted's" wife was very apologetic as she delivered him) and during the flight "Ted" was unruly and showing porn pictures around to his cabin mates during the flight - strangers with the exception of "Rob." "Rob" could not get him to settle down.
Once at my house, "Ted" tried teaching my 8 and 11 year old kids who porn stars were, tried to demonstrated a twirling stick maneuver and poked a hole through the ceiling, and we found him another house to stay in, but were unnerved by his fixation with porn that weekend. We couldn't get him to stop....then he revealed he had an "online" relationship with one particular lady and was hiding money from his wife to spend on the other woman. (I told his wife about this and she didn't do anything that I know of.)
We proclaimed a 'dry' weekend, but during our poker game the next day, "Ted" seemed to be suffering from a neurologic problem. He was slurring his speech, missing his mouth when eating, spilling food out of his mouth, he peed on the floor of the bathroom, and lost coordinated control of his body movement.
We thought he may have had a neurologic event, since there was no alcohol, and took him to the ER, against his bitter protestations. I went into the exam room to try to explain his symptoms, and all of a sudden, "Ted" announced he was drunk, drank every day, and the ER had no legal right to hold him.
I asked how the Hell he got drunk while with all of us, and he said, "I'm very sneaky."
So, the ER told us to get lost and we called his wife who affirmed his story and had a good cry, and "Ted" was watched the next day and we tried to hook him up with his doctor back home, who gave "Ted's" name to the state licensing board to begin diversion, but nothing else ever happened.
"Ted's" wife just cries and says, "What can I do?" She has had two female relatives come live with her to try and babysit the house and manage "Ted" when he is home. He is not abusive or violent, but arrives home three-sheets wasted every day now. He seems constantly befuddled, even when he may be sober - we worry he may have hurt his brain.
Over this past summer, "Ted" appeared very drunk at our last group function (he was invited but asked to come sober) and was so drunk at 10 a.m. that he moved around like he was in a slow motion fight with an invisible opponent. We took his keys and had him sit still while we went looking for water and food - but he told the person we left with him he was going to go pee and dashed for his car and drove off with a spare set of keys. WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED THE COPS.
We went searching and found him pulled over, but wedged in his minivan in such a way that he couldn't extricate himself.
So, since then we have tried to tell him how much we love him and want to help him stop drinking, but he has lied about getting into a recovery program, hidden alcohol in places before we freaking get there, hidden it in Gatorade, etc...it is hard to manage because he comes up with ways to get alcohol that I can't imagine ahead of time. (I make lemon extract and he even found a batch of that I had made and drank it! I hadn't thought of it as a source, let alone something to hide.)
I email him daily (he will no longer take my calls) and have offered anything to help, to no avail. This is an ongoing theme of contact amongst our group of friends.
My two newbie questions:
1) Is it permissible/ethical to tell the 'authorities' for his profession about the situation? We worry about harming his ability to earn a living, but also feel a duty to warn, especially about driving. I really need help regarding the best approach.
Our group is universally willing to go to meetings with him, whatever it takes...including losing him as a friend if turning him in is the right answer. His wife will not.
2) For the past 6 months we have been telling him, "No rehab = no invite" to our next gathering, but we are worried he'll show up and we won't know what to do. We have tentatively lied about the location, keeping it nebulous to make it hard for him to find, but if "Ted" does figure it out, do we call the cops? Back to the hospital? I told my wife I thought I may just take him back to the ER and tell them he had said he was suicidal in order to get him admitted, but that seems like it would be wrong and likely illegalbut we are desperate. What action is it ethical to take?
I apologize for my long first post. I would welcome any advice!
Aloha Un...You guys are so close to the door of solutions and seems like you have tried just about everything using your how to treat other people guidelines however... the other person is alcoholic and it sounds like late stage alcoholism; his value system is under the influence and the alcohol is running him not the other way around. Ethics has absolutely nothing useful to do in the disease of alcoholism. It is the great rule breaker, dis-respecter of people, places and things and life, it has an ethic of "self" with a compulsion to drink continuously excessively. You have aptly described one of the discriptions of this mind altering, mood altering, cunning, powerful and baffling diseases. "Ted" is no longer with you...the alcoholic is..."Ted" is gone.
Many people and institutions afford alcoholics the rights of normal people...however normal is far and away from reality for what an alcoholic is. Alcohol affects their mind, body, spirit and emotions all at the same time and as you have described clearly in your post...everyone who comes into contact with him. Abnormal has become normal and no one has the manual for handling that one except those of us who have gone to seek help from others and then stopped to help others affected as we once were.
This friend needs in-patient care and from my past experience as a Behavioral Health Counselor working in in/out therapy, he needs it soon as it sounds, from your discription that he is operating with a "wet brain"; his brain is soaked with alcohol...he drinks enough to qualify. He is a danger to himself and others and the extreem consequences of this disease is most commonly death to the drinker or some other innocent victim or both.
Suggest to his wife the Al-Anon Family Groups and accompany "her" there with the group. Go to the white pages of her local phone book and look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and urge her to go as soon as she can.
It might take a doctors assessment and a judge to get him adjudicated into an inpatient long term recovery program. Don't even worry about his job and income cause if he hasn't pissed off everyone at work also and lost it by the time I'm finished with this share he will believe me cause they know as much as you know. If his brain is too far damaged he is not "working" anywhere near expectation. He has gotten past the point of natural caring value systems with the "porn" behavior. He needs compassion and empathy just as we give those suffering from incurable cancer or diabetes.
Enough from me cause there are others here that will share their Experience, Strength and Hope with you. Believe it...we have been here, done this and never want to do it the same way again.
Welcome, Unenlightened! Your love and concern for your friend shine through every word of your post.
1) Is it permissible/ethical to tell the 'authorities' for his profession about the situation? We worry about harming his ability to earn a living, but also feel a duty to warn, especially about driving. I really need help regarding the best approach.
That would depend on his profession. If drunkenness on the job has the potential to cause real harm to a client or customer, I wouldn't hesitate to do so. I'm in a profession where I am accountable for my actions to an overseeing body, and I could certainly be reported for intoxication -- that would make me negligent.
Jerry has given you some great advice. I'd second what he says about suggesting that Ted's wife get involved with Al-Anon, it would be a great help to her in coping with her husband.
Unfortunately, there is nothing that anyone but Ted can do to stop this. Negative consequences (like not being welcome among his old friends) do help to some extent, but he will quite likely find himself some new booze-friendly pals to hang out with.
You can't control or cure his alcoholism, but you can set boundaries to limit the amount of his drunken behaviour that you will tolerate in social gatherings.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
You have definitly landed in the right place. And your friend is blessed to have friends like you. I must concurr with those that have already posted. At this time despite all you have tried or all you may try in the future until Ted is ready for recovery, hits his bottom ( and no one can say what his bottom could be, only he will know that when it happens and for some bottom is death) Please find an alanon meeting for his wife and possibly all of you can attend. you will gain much needed education on this disease and how to cope with your friends illness. It is a disease that affects every person it comes in contact with. As far as your friends profession, if he is in danger of harming someone while performing his duties then my opinion and this is purely my opinion I would turn him in. It is not your concern wether he may lose his job or not, if he is endangering others than he need no be praticing in his profession. But as Jerry pointed out, his place of employment may already be aware or they will be very soon. Again the best thing you can do for his wife and yourselves is to start attending alanon meetings. and you will become enlightened. I am truly sorry your friend is so far gone in his disease, and as angry or frustrated as we may get you do need to remember your friend is gone now and drunk or sober anything that comes out of his mouth at this point is his disease talking. It does sound as if he needs intensive in patient detox and rehabilitation...but even with that recovery holds no promises. Your friend has got to want to change. In the meantime you, his wife and other friends need to focus on you and alanon will help you do that. Please keep us posted Blessings
Unenlightened, you have received some excellent feedback, and I just want to reiterate what ythannah said about reporting Ted to the governing body of his profession. If he is, for example, a medical professional or someone who operates machinery/a vehicle for a living, and his intoxication physically endangers others, then I believe you have a duty to report him. If he is in a profession where others depend on him to safeguard their bodies/money/property, then I also think you have a duty to report him (I'm thinking law enforcement, banking, legal professional, financial planner). In my profession I have seen MANY instances of individuals with substance abuse problems who are responsible for other peoples' money; rock bottom often involves theft of a client's property to feed the addiction.
I would suggest that you examine your motives for turning him in closely. Are you turning him in because he truly represents a danger to others, or are you turning him in as a way to "force" him to get better? If it is the former, then I agree; turn him in. If it is the latter, then I think it is best to let events take their own course. This is only my opinion, based on my own experiences. Of course, you may find that a different strategy and approach works for you.
And I do have one more thought about if you ever know he is driving drunk (for example, he arrives at one of your events drunk, and then drives away). I know people have differing opinions about this, and I share only my own. It is my opinion that in such a situation, we have a duty to call the authorities and inform them that we are aware of an intoxicated driver.
I also asked a colleague in Ted's town about the situation, and she talked him into going to an AA meeting.
Ted said that when he got there, he recognized several people from work, and actually joked, "None of them were surprised to see me."
While at the meeting, the "chief" of his state's 'board' regarding impaired members of his profession (whom Ted knows through work) and chatted him up.
Ted agreed to "commit" to a weekly AA meeting, and has made 4 of the last five weeks.
There is a ticking clock now at play, too....and I will admit my own cowardice was thankfully assuaged in the process.
Turns out, at some level, AA ain't all that anonymous.
Since Ted spoke with the this person at the meeting, that person now is part of Ted's recovery. He offered to help get Ted a sponsor, and also activated the state's licensing intervention machinery, and Ted will now have to also work with his state's licensing board for his profession and get clean. (Turns out that his bosses have suspected this for longer than I have, and Ted was transferred to an admin position last year....in all honesty, based on 30 years [since we were teens] working at the same place and earning the love of his fellow workers before his slide. They were compensating for him, you'd sayor maybe also enabling.)
This is a better deal than I would have thought: Ted will apparently be required to attend a 60 day inpatient rehab program....which will be partly covered by his insurance, and will be guaranteed that his prior position will be there for him when he completes the process. He will keep his job and bennies if he then stays clean and fulfills all the follow up criteria.
He still won't take my calls, but has answered some emails with some terse replies. He says, "it's hard."
So, now the gang has been sending him emails describing how he will likely be the king of rehab and he can tell us whatever he likes over tea or soda pop....when he's ready.
I feel like I could have kick started all this months sooner, if not for my own boneheaded lack of clarity of vision about what to do. When we were saved by the rehab chief taking the reins, we were clumsily trying to figure out how to address this issue with his state board....but now that point is moot.
I wanted to say thanks for the advice.
Going through this, I also asked another acquaintance, and he quickly and emphatically said, "Turn him in, now. I've had to do it twice and both guys still send me cards at Christmas and thank me for doing it."
