The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I spent yesterday in a funk about this whole stupid "lost relationship" crap. I start today with another email from ABF. I have done well so far over a week with one simple response telling him that he should be proud of his progress and keep up the good work.
Now, I don't even know what is happening. I am allowing myself to let his words affect my day and my feelings. I am seeing it happening and not quite sure how to stand up to it and let it roll off my back.
Same pattern, nice then cranky. Of course the cranky ones, I want to spit out my reasons for things and the "you don't understand what I have been saying" garbage. I know in my mind it isn't going to change anything, but in my heart I believe it makes a difference. Keep it simple as people say.
I am coming here so much to learn from people who understand me instead of shooting my mouth off in an email that maybe I am reading too much, or not enough in to. I know that is positive. It's harder for me to respond and sit around waiting to see "what's he going to say next", then to not respond at all.
I don't want him to think I am ignoring or avoiding the situation, but I also don't want drive myself crazy about it either. I realize that I have chosen not to respond to protect myself. Not because of what he says or doesn't say. I need to take care of myself first, but now I am letting his ramblings make me question myself and lose my focus.
Thanks again for listening. I sound like a broken record even to myself. Maybe it's time to throw the record away lol.
When I feel like my craziness is becoming a runaway train, I gotta call my sponsor. It's much better to call her when that train is only going 30 mph, than when it's going 100, because it's much easier to jump off.
It looks like you are using restraint, you aren't reacting. That always works best for me too. When you don't know what to do, do nothing. But it looks like you are obsessing over what to do next, and you have a lot of fear surrounding it.
I would suggest putting that email in your God box for now, call your sponsor, and get to a meeting today... these are the tools that help me most when I have lost my perspective. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thanks glad lee. You are very grounded and always help me out with your words.
I would like to admit that I do not have a sponsor, nor have I been to a meeting in a few weeks (work schedule restraints). I also still struggle with the HP idea, as I have never believed in anything that big.
I know for a fact that when the Abf and I are getting along that I stray from the program. I will fess up to that as I know it is true. I still try to practice what I have learned. I think I am doing pretty decently in that respect, but that there is more for me to learn. I can't push what is working aside just because things seem ok. Patterns of course.
I feel so much more aware since joining this board and was thankful to receive the advice to look into it.
I am fighting not to tell him things that I am going to regret or things that will put me in a vunerable situation to his manipulation. I want him to know that I am not a cold person and do not care. I do, but I also do not want to drag him back into believing that I will do anything to make this work. I don't even know if I love him that much. I feel like it is unfair to tell him things that I don't know to be true. But I have always cared and feel badly not expressing my feelings. I feel so screwed up.
Sometimes just reading and rereading what I write on here is helpful.
I did write and used a few "I" sentences, stuck to the facts, kept it simple. I feel good about it. And whether I get an answer or not is irrelevant. I got out what I needed to.
Thanks to this board and all of it's members. Even member922 LOL
I think if you work your program and get your focus off exbf and on to yourself you will not be as affected and obsessed on what he is doing or saying. Hope that made sense The more you lose yourself in his disease the more you are going to lose your identity. I was so emeshed in my sons addiction that truly I was probably sicker than him by the time I hit the doors of alanon. Once I started working the program and focusing on me and my HP in trying to be the person I am meant to be I was able to detach a little more everyday from my sons addiction. Hope any of that is helpful Wishing you the best Blessings
