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Hi- I have a specific situation I am wondering about. I haven't gone to any meetings yet or completed any reading but I haven't found the time to do either so I was hoping I could just ask a question and get some opinions.
I understand the concept of "stopping enabling" I guess.. just not sure how to apply it in my situation. I don't give my husband money to drink, I don't offer to drive him anywhere or pick him up (he does all his drinking at home), I mostly am not even around for it because he does it mostly at night and I go to bed early because I have to get up early with my son. So I wasn't sure that there was any way I was enabling him.
But then I did think of something. I do let him sleep as long as he wants on the weekends. I do everything with the baby, the dog, and chores by myself until he gets up, which is usually around noon. I obviously get very frustrated by this, and some days I will wake him up, pissed off. Other times, we will negotiate a "wake-up" time the night before, where I can wake him up.
I am not sure if I should continue doing this or not. On one hand, I feel like if I keep waking him up, it takes the responsibility off of him for his actions. If he feels like he won't be able to sleep off any hangover he might have, then there is no incentive to stop drinking. Plus, by me waking him up, he just gets more pissed off at me and thinks about all the ways his life is so stressful and he has no time to relax (which I know is what drives him to drinking in the first place.)
But if I just let him sleep every day, isn't that enabling him? Because he suffers no consequences for his drinking?
I don't have to much to share with this situation as I am quite new to the program. I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you have reached out. You are already learning by asking. The members here have much information and wisdom to share.
My favorite, take what you like and leave the rest. I am learning that there is usually more to take.
Good question and I know that I will learn from the responses as well. Thanks.
Hi there. I am new to this board too, but I am not new to dealing with an AH- and I personally wouldn't let him sleep in (this is me) because why should he be allowed to sleep while your being responsible? I've been through a lot of stressful nights and sleepless nights with my husb becuase of his drinking, I don't let him sleep when I am up working. I understand where you are coming from making him mad- and when they are metabolizing the alcohol they can be quite grumpy. Maybe it seems controling to you to make him get up, but if my husband (or anyone else in my home) wants to stay up and party, thats up to them, but they arent going to impose on me- if you play you pay- and be apart of the household. I maek my husband go sleep at his friends house or not come home, I kick him out if I have to becuase I will not deal with the leftovers from the party. I have a right to have peace in my home and people should respect my home and be a participating member. That doesn't mean checking to make sure the bed holds them up all day. Just take what you want from my post, because everyone is different. I'm just saying I don't allow that, I wake him up if I find him passed out when I get up and if he needs to sleep, he can go somewhere else. My home is not a recovery hospital for hangovers. There's no comfort here for your tired aching head when you've been boozing it up all night. It's like taking care of a child. I refuse to care for a grown man in that condition.
Anyhow, you might get a different answer from a message board veteran. Good luck to you though ...I completely understand where you are coming from !!!
It is hard to not say anything to them when they are not doing their part. When I get angry at my AH for not sharing the load, then I must work harder on myself, not him. You don't have to feel guilty for the way someone else behaves, or what they do or do not do. It is not your responsibility.
Al Anon has shown me something called detachment. When I can mentally or physically remove myself from what he is doing or not doing I am detaching. I focus on me not him.
Detachment is not easy. For me, it seems like I am always focusing on what someone else is or is not doing, and what I can do to change them.
I am powerless over people, places, and things. That includes my husband.
Glad you are here. Might I suggest that you gain more literature, attend meetings, and find a sponsor? I know it seems like there is never enough time. I started out going to this message board, obtaining daily readings like "Courage to Change" and "getting them Sober". I then found a sponsor and have attended meetings. I usually come to this MIP board daily. I find great comfort in knowing that others have found a healthy way of living whether or not the A is drinking.
I'm sort of new as well (coming back to AlAnon after 15 yrs), but I'm in somewhat the same situation. We have a 7 month old baby and, on the nights that my husband drinks and falls asleep/passes out on the couch, I do things like take his glasses off of his face so they don't get bent/break AGAIN, turn the TV off, even wake him up to come to bed b/c i know it's more comfortable for him. I, like you, have realized I'm actually enabling him by saving him from any consequences of his drinking actions. So I've started to stop doing these things, and I can tell you, it's actually quite liberating. I'm learning to not burden myself with his responsibilities and I feel so much free-er (if that's a word). It's hard not to do them, especially since a replacement pair of his glasses is about $400 and it comes out of OUR money.
Of course you should make your own decision, but this is what's working for me right now. I feel much more like I'm mentally taking care of myself and less like his enabler.
As always, i find something in these postings to guide me. Angel, i get what your're going through. I too, try to figure out if I'm enabling or just finding peace for myself...If my AH is asleep/passed out.....I'm free of his neediness. I let him sleep...stay up, drink, I would probably stop him from driving but themost liberating thing, for me, was to stop looking for liquor and pouring it out....but my AH has diabetes and is 3 different anti depressants. I used to put his pill in little pill containers so hecould just take them....Am and PM. I stopped when I joined Al Anon and i wonder if he is even taking them at all....He lives on chocolate and I have no idea what his blood sugar # is.
He's a grown man...he needs to take care of himself. But the drinking has gotten worse than ever and i'm afraid he will kill himself. That's where the distancing come in...Unsure but happier I go on. I wish you a peaceful and self aware New Year.
Angel it has to become as important to you to get to the meetings and into the literature as what you find yourself compelled to do in your life or from my experience you will do continuously what you have been doing up until now and nothing will change. I'm passing that on from my own personal experiences. I was told that once and blew it off. I was also told that if I didn't the disease would be progressive and get worse...and blew that off also. And then I came to looking into the night sky wondering if there was a spaceship out there that would come and lift me off the face of the earth cause I was toast.
Want to learn about enabling and how not to?...Do as many meetings in 90 days as you can and get and read as much literature as you can. My experience.
Just wanted to say mahalo to Jerry for the great insight as always. I love that quote about if you always do what you've always done then you always get the same result. so true. The part of the post about getting to as many meetings as you can in 90 days was very interesting to me. I have heard 90 meetings in 90 days for AA but never thought about applying that to Al-anon. I too struggle with enabling a lot! Taking care of the kids and doing all the chores is all too familiar. I think that I am in such a bad habit of enabling that I don't even notice that I am doing it sometimes!!! My sponsor keeps saying to focus on myself and my recovery. She says it keeps me from being tangled up in AH's stuff.
