The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My relationship with my addict has been over for quite some time (years). We communicate infrequently but pretty well about family and necessary things. I know he's still sunk in his addictions, but in the casual contact we have, I don't see signs of him. If I didn't know him from times gone by, I'd never even guess he's an addict. Anyway, this is just to explain that his addictions aren't in my face all the time or anything. The drama is in the past. I'm still working on myself and the things it all brought up, but I don't replay the terrible times in my head very much.
But I just find myself obsessing about him. The anger and the good stuff. In the later part of the relationship, the good times were overwhelmed by the bad times. Nevertheless, the good times were among some of the best times I've had. I just keep thinking about them. Why can't I stop?
I like what one wise person posted about Eckard Tolle's sentence, "Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain."
So I recognize that I have an addiction to this relationship. But I sure feel as if I've faced enough pain for several lifetimes. I've worked programs and been in therapy and try to make the tools an everyday part of my life. I'm taking care of myself as best I can, moving forward, turning it over, all of that. But it's been years now. Why can't I stop thinking about him? I have to turn my attention from it two dozen times a day. I even dream about him. I don't want to dream about him!
Any thoughts or ESH? I am so tired of my addiction! How do alcoholics stop thinking about the bottle? How do any of us leave our addictions behind?
Addiction is really and truly insane, isn't it. I'm very very happily married to a wonderful man. Sometimes, though, I still think about my exAH, and I wonder if I made the wrong decision by getting divorced. I feel sorry for him because he is very financially unstable, depressed, and alone. My mind starts to glamourize the good times and minimize the bad ones, and I start to let myself feel guilty because I did not choose to stay. Logically, I know the relationship was toxic, he was insane and so was I. There was abuse, neglect, infidelity, and financial ruin...soooo different from what I have now. And yet, I wonder about it. This is INSANE. When it happens, I remind myself that when I think about it that way, I am sick. Sure, there were good times. I can remember those times and smile. But for me, those good times were NOT the norm. My logical brain knows this. My logical brain knows that sane and healthy people do not put up with being abused and cheated on. It is my disease that makes me wonder - the guilt I feel over refusing to continue the caretaking and enabling truly gets confused with love.
My first marriage ended years ago, and the thoughts have gotten less and less frequent. I think that for me, telling myself that what I am thinking is not reality helps. When I find myself thinking stuff that isn't sane, I have to consciously redirect my thoughts. The less I think about it, the less I want to think about it. When I get busy, I get better.
I have found that when I go through the steps and read my Courage to Change and One Day at a Time books that I am able to stop obsessing. I try to also stay busy by going on the computer, going to work, going out to a movie, getting together w/ family and friends, doing housework or cleaning a closet. They all take me away from myself and I stop obsessing. At my Al-Anon meetings, I have found that we all have this obsessing issue. Try to attend meetings regularly and read Al-Anon literature, come to this board and keep posting. We are all on a journey.
I'm still working through my obsessive thoughts over my last relationship which ended in November.... but I am getting there. I noticed that when I waved goodbye to my kids at the train station a few days ago, after crying buckets of tears, I began to want the relationship again. Of course I did, he always made me feel better, and I certainly didn't want to feel the emotions I was feeling on the train, I was suddenly "alone" again.
There are several tools I reach for... one is Step three. I absolutely love what the BB has to say about step 3. I feel transformed after reading pages 62-63....
"Here is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.
When we sincerely took such a position. all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well. Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.
... Many of us said to our Maker as we understood Him, God I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, thy Love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always! We thought well before taking this step making sure we were ready; that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to Him."
I love every word. The step requires my complete sincerity. I have found that an old prayer of mine.... "God I want your will and I want this too" just doesn't support recovery!! (Didn't stop me from trying it for years though, haha) A much better prayer when I am resisting and wanting my will is, "Thank You, God. I trust you."
I highlighted "as we became conscious of His presence..." That is another tool of mine, making conscious contact. I meditate twice daily and I often go back to my breath throughout the day, saying to my HP, "I know You are here." If I want God to remove my obsession, I have to stop entertaining my memories of him... I have to stop fantasizing. I have to be very firm with myself. The goal is to stay in the present moment, and since he is nowhere around, I can no longer waste time on wanting my will. I have decided my HP must have a better use for me, if only I will stop resisting and start trusting.
And when I struggle with trusting, I have to pray for help.
Another tool I use, as I have posted here before, is to remember that our Brain thinks. That is it's job. It reminds us of things, it thinks it is doing us a favor by doing that. As the memories pop up, I can say, Thanks but no thanks. (It's the committee at work! It keeps me stuck in my dis-ease!) When we're obsessing, it's all about precision of the mind, right? The discipline of meditation really helps me to shift my thinking... Getting with God.
For me, my recovery is all about surrender. I am open to any and all ways that will help me surrender, but these are the tools I've been using the most. Take what you like, leave the rest ((Mattie))
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 1st of January 2011 08:13:01 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you all. It makes me feel better to realize I am not the only one.
On reflection, I think one reason I keep thinking back to that relationship is that it was so intense. Either intensely good or intensely chaotic and full of my trying to control things, hoping, plotting, being upset ... Either way, the intensity is very different from my usual life, and I'd like my life to be a little more exciting (but this time in a good way). So maybe this is a call to action -- what can I do that would give me some of that feeling of being involved in something important? But this time around I need to pick something that's good for me, and understand the limits of what I can control and what I can't.
Thank you for posting this today Mattie. I've been struggling and feeling foolish for struggling with this, as well.
I tend towards the very intense, but am alright with low key situations. When I start thinking about the relationship, there was intensity but also the loss of the light-hearted and tender moments that touched me that I am missing so much.
Finding a solution(s) is key. I am trying different things to give myself the feelings I want to have. I have a long way to go to discovering what things or combinations will be successful.
