Not entirely sure how to deal with my wife (she's co-depending and I'm the recovering alcoholic) - Al-Anon Family Group

quadlog · Newbie

Not entirely sure how to deal with my wife (she's co-depending and I'm the recovering alcoholic)

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

To me, detachment is about knowing where one person ends, and I begin. It's about not getting enmeshed in the emotions of another. It's about shaking the obsession of another and recognizing my attachment to them, (in my case, I tend to make people my Higher Power.) To me, it's not about you doing the best thing for her sake, but for YOU and your emotional sobriety.

So, my suggestion would be to take care of YOURSELF whatever that looks like, while understanding your motives for your actions. You seem to be obsessing... can you just send a message and then get on with your day? You will probably continue to learn a lot about yourself, probably won't do everything perfectly... we aren't perfect. You are doing okay.

btw, I don't see why you shouldn't express your love. To thine own self be true.

Welcome to MIP, glad you are here!

anewyear · Member

I'm not sure I can offer you much advice, I'm in the same boat except I'm the spouse and my husband is the alcoholic. I left him but I don't want a divorce. I want him to get serious about his recovery and take a year to get 'sorted'.

He admitted to me that he wanted me to take control of his recovery when we married and I had just gone through intensive therapy recovering from an abusive relationship where I was very much co-dependent.

Right now, we are trying to work out the 'rules of engagement' much like you are, if I were you, I'd raise this issue with your therapist or during your date time.

As the co-dependent component in my relationship, I'm not planning on commenting on his facebook, if he comments on mine, and he has that's fine. But that's just me.

I feel more like I need to observe him not interfere.

Sorry, I'm not more help, just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

quadlog · Newbie

Yeah,

I can see the obsessing part here, which is something I'm trying to work on. It is getting a bit better but it's just going to take some time to not worry about other people's issues and start dealing with my own.

Thanks for input - much appreciated.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes I change the words of the fear prayer in the BB to make it into an obsession prayer. Take what you like.

"God,

Please remove my obsession

and direct my attention

to how you would have me be."

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Detachment is tricky to embrace and define. For me it is practice, practice, practice!

In addition to the other responses, I think of detachment as not allowing what someone else is doing to affect me (thoughts, words, actions). At first, it seemed business-like, but now it has become more of a detachment based on love. For example, I can interact with the other person without the interaction alter my mood.

What helps me is to think of my love for that person buried under (heavy duty) emotions, like anger. Knowing that if a steam shovel were to push the negativity aside, there would be the loved one. This visual helps me realize my emotions, often anger, and this would be on my side of the street- something to process separately without taking it out on the loved one.

Hope this helps.

quadlog · Newbie

Wow. This is some really good advice and it's nice to know there are ways to help me to heal in a positive way and to get rid of the negative emotional thinking. I even feel better just reading this instead of worrying about things I can't control. I think a saturday meeting is in order and to start practicing what I've been told to do for recovery.

Thanks everyone for the replies. smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Quad you are not responsible for her recovery program! NOTHING you do has anything to do with it. Its the same as nothing she does has to do with yours.

It is a personal journey!

Detachment for me is loving the person, the disease is NOT my problem. I cannot help in that at all, but by enabling I hurt.

So I loved my A! Held his hand and watched tv, we shared cooking, we were together even though he was drinking. I honestly learned how to separate the disease from the man I loved.

I would not have wanted him to be any different than he was for me. It would have made ME uncomfortable. It was up to me to take care of me, up to me to figure out the skills of loving and living with an A.

I hope this helps you. Do what you feel, if you feel like hugging her great, if you want to send a congrats that is great too. We all need to be who we are, when others still love us great!

In a way you are now taking a co dependant role! (c:

Just be you, do what you feel you want to do. When we love someone we want them to love us for ourselves and in spite of ourselves.

So you go on living and learning, she will go on living and learning and when you are together, just share the person you are.

Hugs hugs! love,debilyn

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been going thru a dry drunk with my AHsober for five years. It is no fun. What we learn in the program is that we need to each work our own recovery program. What we do is try to "fix" each other. Separate the issues. Go to your separate meetings. And keep coming back.

In support,
Nancy

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think this is the right forum for you. AA may be able to help.

Maresie.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

You are entitled to treat both sides of your disease, you are welcome here. There are many AA's on this board with you. Al-anon skills are not discussed in AA and I'm glad you're here for yourself and your marriage. The disease wants to cause separation and division....

Please keep coming back.

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 3rd of January 2011 10:52:46 PM

-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 4th of January 2011 07:38:11 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.