The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Before I introduce myself, I just want to say how helpful it has been to browse through the forum and read the posts. It has really helped me to feel less alone in all of this.I am entirely new to al-anon, and have not even attended a meeting in my area yet. I have been reading a lot though.
I hope this is an OK place for me to be. I am 21 years old. My Mom is an alcoholic in recovery, and my boyfriend has a BIG problem with marijuana. We have been together almost 6 years, as we began dating when we were 15 and 16. My relationship with him is the main reason I am here. I have always felt sort of out of place because many people perceive marijuana as entirely harmless, but it is ruining our lives. He comes from a long line of addicts (his father died of an overdose 2 years ago), and looking for, getting, and smoking marijuana consumes him. It has taken a huge toll financially, legally, and emotionally.
Late last March, he bought a brand new car (that my father co-signed for him), and by July, he had totaled it. In November, he was arrested for possession (he was pulled over and his car was searched) and I truly hoped that that could be a bottom, or a wake up call. Not so much. He has continued to drive around with pot and paraphernalia in the car. Last week, he was pulled over again, and his car was searched because it smelled like marijuana. He did not have anything in the car, (which is odd because he ALWAYS does) but it was incredibly scary, as I was driving through town and just happened to run into the flashing lights and the police searching. I thought that might at least scare him out of keeping it in the car, but was wrong. When he got home last night, he hung his coat over the back of the kitchen chair. It smelled, so I looked in the pocket. Sure enough, there was paraphernalia.
His continued use in the face of so much consequence has really opened up my eyes to how powerless I am over his addiction. This powerlessness does not make me feel relieved or better, it just terrifies me. I can never relaxI live my life in fear that the next shoe is going to drop. I WANT a life with him, I WANT to be with him, and it is so hard to accept that the things that I so badly want are in the hands of an addict. I know that we are two different people and that I can control no ones actions but my own, but how can I give up on someone that I love so much and a future that once seemed so attainable? This is not just his future that I am giving up on, this OUR future. I feel empty, alone, defeated. The pain and sadness is indescribable. My emotions are so wrapped up in this; I dont know how to get a grip. No matter how I look at it, sacrifice seems inevitable.
The other thing that I want to mention is that he is not mean or aggressive. He is truly the most loving, compassionate and good-heart hearted person I have ever known.He admits he has a problem, but still lies, denies, and tries to hide his use. The entire thing is just so sad...his kindness makes it even harder to make a boundary.
Im sorry Ive rambled; this has just been going on for so long I could probably write forever. Thank you so much for allowing me to introduce myself and tell my story
Welcome to Mip sad, scared and confused is a road we have all travelled it's not the best feeling in the world but stick with Al-anon and you will learn so much about getting YOUR life back on track!
I cant' really help but I can say that you are not alone, that many here have experienced the same and more....and that somehow they found happiness and contentment. Hear their stories....I'm still trying to figure it out myself.
Welcome, Cross. I'm so glad you made it over here.
I wanted to let you know, first off, that this board is not like a traditional Al-Anon meeting. There's a lot of exchange between members that happens on the message board that you won't normally experience in a face-to-face meeting.
If I were to give you any advice at all, it would to be to get to at least six face-to-face Al-Anon meetings as close together as possible to see what the real meetings are like and decide if this program is for you or not.
Also, there are Nar-Anon meetings out there, too, which focuses more on living with someone addicted to drugs/narcotics versus living with someone with alcoholism. (It's my humble opinion that substance abuse/addiction behaviors are all pretty much the same... but I understand it may be more helpful for some to sit and talk with people who've lived with others with pot addiction or other addictions instead of a very pointed focus on living with someone with a drinking problem.)
I lived with a "habitual pot-smoker" several years ago. My own personal opinion on the whole debate over pot being a "harmless" drug is that it's the disease talking and saying that to protect itself. Those of us who've lived with habitual pot-smokers know the drug is not "harmless". It consumes the addict - they act paranoid, or lazy. Their behavior completely changes from when they're "clean" and when they're smoking. It's like living with Jekyl and Hyde.
I'm glad you've made it over here. Keep coming back and get yourself to some face-to-face meetings and maybe also check to see if maybe Nar-Anon might be helpful for you as well.
Hey, just wanted to say I am sorry for you.. I am also new on here and have a story similar to yours. Its really hard... I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to give up on the future you imagined. The holidays just make it that much worse. Hang in there! And I think its a great first step that you came on here.. you are already making a change for yourself by seeking some help and support.
(((Cross))), you are in the right place. Of course, nar-anon might be good for you too. But this place is full of people who have been where you are. Loving an addict is so difficult-whether it's addiction to drugs or alcohol. But the message board and the online meetings here have made such a positive difference in my life. I hope you will keep coming back. There is so much to be learned here that can make your life better.
Thank you all so much... I really do feel like I'm in the right place. Thank you for the suggestions about nar-anon, I looked in to it a little bit last night and found a meeting not too far from where I live, so I will try and go to that as well as the al-anon meetings which seem more common in my area.
It is really inspiring to see how many on this forum have been able to find happiness and gratitude in such awful circumstances...right now I feel so far away from that, I'm just trying to get away from the begging, pleading, snooping, guilt-tripping, crying, controlling and threatening that has consumed my life... Logically, I know that addiction is so far beyond my control but I'm still trying to cope with the loneliness of saying nothing at all. I guess I was lonely before too though.
Last night I was laying in bed, and my ABF was next to me. I just started crying, I felt so alone even though he was right next to me. I hate that he can count on me, but that I can't count on him. I hate that he can tell me his feelings, but that my feelings don't matter.
I'm so new to this, I am no where near where you all seem to be, but I truly hope that I can find my way there...living like this is just too painful.
sending you prayers, Cross. A few years ago I had a friend with a HUGE marijuana problem. In his more lucid moments he would admit that marijuana was his best friend AND his worst enemy.
You definitly landed in the right place i was struck by your comment that you want to make a life with your bf, becuase it sounds like you already have. What you are experiencing now is what your life will look like in the future. Your bf through his actions is showing you who he is, you can't change him one little bit. My son is about your bf's age and there were so many times that I thought he hit his bottom only to be shown i was wrong. jail, od's, losing all his jobs and friends etc. None of that was bottom for him. I sure knew when I hit my bottom and so greatful i was lead to Alanon....my bottom seemed to have springs at times I think it is the same for an addict. Something happens they tell you that was "it" for them then they are right back doing the same old thing. My son also has a possesion charge, the courts worked with him endlessly giving him chance after chance to clean up his act but he would not comply. Finally he was sent to the jail/rehab unit was there for 12 months...he is out now and seems to be doing his best to stay on the straight and narrow. I always hold out hope for him but no longer put any expectaions on him comcerning his addiction because the moment I do that I am set up for a fall and disappointment. Please get yourself to meetings and work the program for at least 6 months and watch how your perceptions change. There is nothing wrong with loving an addict. they are just as deserving as anyone of love and happiness. There are plenty of people who stay with thier alcoholic/addict partners, work the program and are able to achieve serenity weather thier partner is using or not. Get as educated as you can on addiction, it will help immensly I wish you all the best Blessings
I was in a long relationship with an addict/alcoholic who had numerous car problems. Today I realized how lucky I was that he did not kill someone. Every day I imagined that news and every day he risked my life, his life and everyone else's life with the way he drove. He had suspended license's, fines, court dates galore, nothing but nothing affected his reckless driving or his ability to total car, truck, car after car. And of course nothing but nothing was ever his fault!
I do know the pain, fear, anger, frustration that is inherent in being around someone who is so hell bent on destruction. I also know after a few years of being here there is another side to it. Al anon can and will help you enormously. There are many many people here in this room who have been to hell and back and they lead lives of grace, peace and happiness that is pretty hard to imagine. For them and certainly for me there was a moment of deciding I cannot do it "my way" anymore.
I'm glad you are here and willing to reach out. I look forward to getting to know you.
