The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I attended Al-Anon for 10 months now. I am slow at getting all of it, and I know I need to look to myself to make some more changes if I ever want anything to really change. I really want a sponsor. I think I am ready and I think it would be extremely important to my recovery. I have a particular person in mind, and I am quite sure she would accept me. My problem seems silly...I am too scared to ask! I know I will finally have to tell my story to someone...and this scares me...like I am scared to open up the flood gates and recognize how out of control my life really is. Also, I was brought up in an uptight British family where you NEVER complained, RARELY showed your sensitive side and ALWAYS put other people before yourself. Any consideration for your own happiness was looked on as selfish. These beliefs have helped me be strong, kind and caring...but they are so ingrained that I feel like I am doing something wrong (almost like I am insulting God) by admitting I am not happy in my present situation and need help. I also do not want to be a burden on someone else. I don't want her to feel obligated to be my sponsor. I was thinking of writing a short letter explaining all of this and giving it to her at next week's meeting. I am a much better writer than speaker. Then, she could consider things without feeling put on the spot and speak to me about it at the next meeting or give me a call. Would this be weird?
I've had three sponsors. My current sponsor was recovering from chemotherapy when I asked her. In true codependent style, I told her I was "special," that I was "a real handful" and that I expected her to take her time thinking about it. She laughed, yet told me she would take 3 days to think it over because of the cancer. (In my experience, Three days is a customary timeline in this program.) I knew she needed to pray about it and talk it over with her sponsor. She agreed to it, three days later.
When it comes to asking someone to be your sponsor, pray about it. Turn it over and trust that your HP will give you exactly what you need. It is my experience, that is exactly what happens.
As for feeling guilty about focusing on yourself... to me, the program is not selfish, but rather about turning self out. The steps are about transformation, about becoming the person my HP created me to be. I didn't know how to do that on my own, my parents didnt know either. When I bring an open-mind and willingness, great things seem to happen in recovery... even at a snail's pace, hehe.
-- Edited by glad lee on Friday 31st of December 2010 10:43:21 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
What you expressed is felt by others. It is so hard for me to ask for help too. When I finally do, I am sometimes disappointed in the outcome, but sometimes I receive something even better than what I expected. As a person still with a long way to go in Alanon, the negative experiences make me fearful and I need to work harder to overcome them.
Nonetheless, sponsors can play an important part in helping us move forward.
It helps me to break things into bite sizes, and that can apply to sponsors as well. I am wondering if you would find it more manageable to approach a sponsor for a project or to work on a particular step.
I struggled this for a long time, too. I had a sponsor (2 of them, actually) in mind, but I couldn't open my mouth and ask. I was honestly kinda waiting for one of them to notice that I needed a sponsor and ask me instead of the other way around!
Part of our recovery is learning how to ask for what we want/need, and being able to accept that other people have choices. What is the worst that could happen by asking? She'd say no, right - and you wouldn't get the sponsor you have in mind. But if you don't ask, same thing - you don't have the sponsor you have in mind. At least by asking, there is a good chance that the outcome will be favorable. And if, for some reason she can't take you on, remind yourself that it is her issue (other time committments, already sponsoring a bunch of people, going through a personal struggle, etc.) and not yours.
I think writing a letter and asking her to follow up with you to respond is putting the responsibility on her for something that should be your resposibility. Chances are good that she's been in your exact same position - I don't know many people that loved asking someone else to be their sponsor. But it turns out okay in the end. Just my .02.
Asking for sponsorship, accepting and decling is all very common in Alanon. If the person declines, know that it's not personal. They have their reasons and it's not about you. If they accept, hopefully you got yourself a sponsor with experience and guidance.
You are a step ahead in recognizing that many of your fears are illusion/baggage stemming from your upbringing. Reality is, it's expected for you to eventually ask for a sponsor. It's a huge part of the program. The worst thing that could happen is finding someone else to ask, and that's not such a bad thing. Sponsors are just people that have been where you are and have worked the steps. They are just people that choose to pay it forward by guiding others.
My first sponsor wasn't a good fit. My second was wonderful. It was a little uncomfortable to leave one and ask the other because they were from the same group. I just had to do what was best for me. After all, that's why I was there.
Go for it and good luck!!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
It was scary for me, too, to ask someone to sponsor me. I was nervous about rejection, judgement, and scared I would be a terrible sponsee in one way or another. I expected perfection from myself and was pretty sure a sponsor might expect the same.
Just as it took courage for me to walk into my first f2f Al-Anon meeting, it took the same kind of courage to ask someone to help me.
Speaking for myself as a brand new sponsor, I can tell you I'm also nervous about being someone's sponsor because again, my disease wants to peek it's head around the corner and whisper to me that I have to be "perfect" here, too, and that I'm not allowed to make a mistake. I was so glad when my sponsor told me the following when I let her know I'd been asked to be a sponsor by another member... she said "Don't worry. You won't kill her. You're not God, and THANK God!" I laughed at that. ;) But I'm excited, too, to be someone's sponsor because it'll mean I get to work back through the steps again and do it from a slightly new perspective. It'll keep me fresh.
A sponsorship relationship is so wonderful. It is rewarding for both parties involved. We both get to learn from each other and grow. The sponsee gets to learn to trust and experience an intimate relationship with someone that is nothing whatsoever like the "intimate" relationships we've experienced in the past. We get to experience what real intimacy is like with someone trustworthy, reliable, consistent and healthy. The sponsor gets to experience what it's like to be helpful to someone in a non-controlling way. It's a win/win situation.
If I had any suggestions for you, you may want to consider pulling out all your Al-Anon literature and looking in the back index for "sponsorship" and reading all the passages you can find in your literature on Sponsorship. This might set you at ease a little, and get you feeling a little more comfortable about the sponsorship experience.
I think from my own perspective, if I'm putting so much energy into something that I feel like I have to write a letter to someone, then I think I need to PAUSE - slow down and allow God to come in for a moment. Stop and breathe. Letter-writing, for me, has always been a process of "reactionary" behavior where I feel like I just need to get a ton of fears off my chest. It's constructive for me to write, but when I pause and reflect, I never actually give the letter to the person because I know it's just too much. I can write the letter, but I give it over to God, instead of to the person it was meant for. A day or two later, God will usually give me the right words without the need to have it all put to paper. That's just my ESH.
