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I know many have it worse than me....I know things are generally not horrible for me right now...but there is this nagging feeling that I'll never get any happier than I am. I'm reminded of the line from the Jack Nicholson movie (As good as it gets) when he tells a waiting room full of miserable people that "did you ever stop to think that maybe this is as good as it gets?" I'm so tired of struggling.....of feeling like an oddball....of not fitting in......I'm so tired of trying to make things sane for my daughter......of trying to find happiness.....I'm just so tired of TRYING!!!! I'm so tired of my dreams never coming true.......of being depressed all the time. I'm so tired of struggling to be grateful.......and I should be grateful for so many things but I just don't feel it most of the time.....sometimes the clouds clear and I feel good for a little while but after all the work I've done, all the years of therapy, medication, meetings, reading etc.....I really don't feel much better than I was 10-15 years ago. I know it's not as bad as I feel, that I have much to be grateful for....but i"m tired of the struggle. I'm tired and hopeless about continuing to try. Maybe i'll feel better in the morning, but so many days and hours and minutes it feels hopeless. Nothing really works...it's a full time job just trying to manage my mood....why bother anymore? It's not working......I hang on for my daughter's sake but I feel like I'm just wearing a mask year after year.......I try to talk positive and think positive, but there is this sense of trying to fool myself. I'm tired of 100% effort to get 1% improvement. Sorry to be a downer, but as the year draws to a close, I've taken a hard look at life.....and after 50 years, how can I expect real change.....
I cant help but feel when I read your post that you just dont get that change begins with you and I cant help noticing that there is spirituality missing in your life.
I believe that your struggling to connect , but its difficult for you. Do you have a God of your understanding? Life isnt just all cerebral or all black and white.
That #4 of Abbyal's list is very important. Its not a secret that Im a practicing Buddhist. My God is the Universal Law of cause and effect, which is the Mystic Law. The Mystic Law are things that happen in our life that we cannot analyze or fathom , there are no accidents. Like saying God works in mysterious ways or that he has a plan for you, if you let it unfold and dont block it with our own will. I know this is personal Yankees and I hope your not offended, but I think if you think on this you might make a connection to what you perceive as God or Godlike. Dont you think there is an order of strictness to the Universe?. Do you think we are here by accident? Do you think we were put here to suffer? When you talk about improvement, are you talking about yourself or your situation with your wife.? Maybe if you talk out loud about what you really want you will make a breakthru and start the new year with some progress. I really wish this for you.
I used to pray for my higher power to show me a way to make my AW stop drinking so I could be happy. I allowed her drinking to control my life as much or more than the disease was controlling her life. I had to change. I had to stop thinking negative. I had so many things to be thankful for but I couldn't be happy or appreciate any of them because I was consumed with the negativity of alcoholism an the effect it was having on me.
I had to have the "Courage To Change". My answer had been staring me in the face. It was the title of my Al-Anon book. I found out change is not a part time job. It's a full time job. But the benefit package........ It's life changing.
I so totally hear you on this. I always try to remember that depression (like alcoholism!) distorts your thoughts. In the case of depression, it's the three P's: pervasive, personal, and permanent. In other words people with depression falsely analyze or experience things as pervasive (everything is terrible), personal (things that go wrong are because I'm faulty) and permanent (things will always go wrong). I may be getting a few parts of it wrong but it's much like that. I'm especially good at the "permanent" one. Whatever state I'm in, it's hard for me to imagine not always being in that state. Sometimes I look back in my diary and am amazed that I wrote that I was happy on such-and-such a day. When I'm depressed it feels as if I've always been depressed and of course always will be.
I think the tools of Al-Anon are really powerful for combating this. Another thing I'm trying to do is to notice when I'm enjoying myself, and then try to savor and expand it a little bit. Like yesterday I was very tired and pretty miserable, but there was a moment when I was reading something interesting and having a nice snack and I realized I didn't have to get up early the next day, and I felt happy and positive. It used to be that I'd overlook that and get back to brooding about my problems. Now I'm trying to say to myself, "That moment was valuable. That was a good moment. There are things to appreciate." (That last one is tricky because often I don't feel much appreciation for the things I "should" -- but then sometimes I do feel appreciation for the smallest things.)
I've felt all that you described many times in my life. I don't have any suggestions for you, because I believe that everyone finds answers in a variety of ways.
However, I do get the sense that since you are around 50, you think you are too old to change. Is that correct? If so, let me tell you that age has nothing to do with one's ability to change. It wasn't until "after" the age of 50 that I began to make critical changes in my life. Now at 56, while I am divorced - something I did not want to happen - I've accepted a lot of things - I'm happier than I have ever been in my life. I'm much more positive. A lot has to do with perspective, and too, getting in touch with the God of your understanding.
You posted in a moment of weakness - a moment when you were listening to all the negative talk in your head. Tell it to SHUT UP! And then just go do something. Geez, I just said I didn't have any suggestions.
Hang in there!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hi mj - I'm not sure if I've ever seen you mention it - but are you getting to meetings?
I have to tell you when I start myself down the road of self-pity, it's time for me to bump up my meetings - read more of my Al-Anon literature and talk with my sponsor more.
Remember, Al-Anon offers you the tools to help with your problems. The key is you have to pick them up and use them to benefit from them.
Thanks...Gail you were right on the nose....everyone else too....there was something from all of you that I have to examine. As I stated I felt better in the morning. This isn't a deep morass I'm in but it feels so chronic and permanent. I can't even blame anything or anyone (not the wife, my job etc.). It's just such a chronic feeling of discontentment and dissatisfaction....and seemingly little to look forward to....just survival all the time. I know there are somethings I can control and it all has to do with myself....I just never feel like that's enough. Then again I've got to remind myself that it's like being in shape....you never arrive....I have to constantly "work out" to stay happy or satisfied. Thanks again.
i totally get where you are coming from. I have definitly stood and sometimes still stand in your shoes. I was praying and praying and praying so hard trying to connect with my HP (whom I call god) but it wasn't until I truly surrendered myself and my life to HP that I began to see things in a different light. I also had to learn not only to pray but after praying to listen or look for signs for the path HP wants me to take. I found when I take his path i am much happier and serene but the moment I decide to take control back myself and make my own path things don't turn out so well. I really think once you truly surrender your life over to your HP and follow where he guides you, you will find happiness. My happiness pre-alanon was totally based on weather the people around me were happy. If my husband and children were happy i was good to go, I looked to them to validate what i thought should make me happy. And i adore my family let me be clear on that. But if you look to others to either make you happy or validate your happiness you will be disappointed. It really is true that happiness is an inside job. It's between you and your HP i wish you a most Blessed New Year
