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I'm brand new here. It's 1am and I'm just needing to get this off my chest and hopefully hear some reassurance.
My mother is a recovering alcoholic, in treatment 6 yrs and sober for 5 yrs now. She began drinking when I was about 12-13, and I am now 33. We've always been extremely close, so I have dealt with alcoholism in my life.
Now, my husband has been hiding alcohol and lying to me. He confided in me just 3 wks ago that he is "one step away from being an alcoholic" (his words). I was elated to hear him admit it b/c I've been on the fence for quite a while wondering if he has a problem. My Mom was a severe alcoholic drinking more than a half gallon of vodka a day, so I suppose my thought of an alcoholic is along those lines. Whenever I think he might have a problem, he stops for a week or two, or really cuts down to just a couple of drinks a night, and only a few nights per week, but it always goes right back to where it was before.
I've almost always had an issue with his drinking, but have always been confused as to whether I'm just extra sensitive to the issue b/c of my Mother, or if it's really a problem. We've been married 2.5 yrs and now have a 7 month old daughter. Prior to trying to conceive, I had a "don't make a fool out of me" talk with him and was promised, "there's no way I'm going to do this when we have a child." Aside from my issues with the drinking and lying (which he says--and realizes it doesn't make sense--that he lies b/c he knows I'll be mad), my husband is the most wonderful person. He just changes into a different person when he drinks. Never harmful whatsoever, but overly nice and loving. I hate it, it makes me sick and I don't even want to be around him.
After what I thought was the last talk about drinking when he admitted to being "one step away from being an alcoholic," 3 wks ago, tonight I had a suspicion so I went searching and found a small bottle of vodka.
All of this is my worst nightmare come true. Looking back I think how could I have been so dumb, there were so many red flags. I noticed the red flags and thought talking about it would be all that needed to be done to rectify the situation. But here I am all over again.
I went to Al-Anon for a short while around age 17-18 to deal with my Mom's alcoholism, and understand that alcoholism is a disease. I just can't believe I'm having to deal with it all over again. I feel like I've been tricked into having a child with someone who doesn't care enough to change, not to mention thinks he can still have a drink or two from time to time.
Do I stand my ground on our mutual decision to not have it in the house? I know I should just focus on myself and our daughter, but it's so hard to deal with this. I don't want a divorce, but he has known that I never wanted to deal with this in my life. I do think that he will get help eventually, he has the desire to, I suppose I just need to wait it out and take care of myself and our daughter in the meantime, but I feel so guilty being mean to him when he drinks, and on days when he's out of the house and it's just my daughter and I, I sometimes think it would be easier if it were just myself and her, but I know I have a good man in him and he knows he has a problem of some sort. I'm so confused... If you've made it this far reading my post, thank you. Any advice would be appreciated. I plan to go to meetings locally.
Hello and welcome , you have already given yourself the best advice I could offer , your going to attend meetings again . There is nothing you cna do about his drinking ,threats dont work , ultimatums dont work , tears dont work and talking about it dosent work the only thing that works is when we stop trying to fix someone who dosent want to be fixed. It is possible to stay in a alcoholic relationship and be happy al anon will show yu how to do that .. I didnt want to leave my marriage either so it worked for me . You will learn how to set boundaries and get your life back on track . take care of you .
I believe that it is not that alcoholics do not care enough to change. The deal is, when the disease is active, the alcoholic has lost the ability to make a choice about it. He or she HAS to drink.
I am glad you are already familiar with Alanon meetings - these will serve you well, and will bring you much help. In time, you will know what the right choice is for you regarding boundaries and your relationship. Alanon advocates not making any major life changes for at least 6 months after entering recovery. This allows a person time to get some help for him or herself and begin to see the situation as it really is before making an impulsive and life-altering decision.
Hope we see a lot of you here! This is a great forum, and has brought me much comfort in my recovery.
You went to al anon when your mum was drinking and now for your husnabd, however al anon is not just to understand the disease it is to get to know you. You say you can not believe that you are going through this again I was married to a compulsive gambler for 17 years and am now in a relationship with a sober alcoholic for past 6 years.
this disease is my norma;lity I need alanon to look at the part I play
hope you follow through with your decision to attend a meeting its the best gift you could give your daughter and stop the cycle of this family disease.
Thank you all. Until I start going to meetings again very soon (possibly tonight), it lifts my heart to know that someone is listening and understands.
The meetings were so long ago that I've forgotten a lot of how to mentally take care of myself. I'm looking forward to finding serenity and learning this again.
Thank you again. I'll surely be on the message board often!
I'm so glad you've found these boards and that you'll be getting support at meetings.
A lot of us wonder if we're just being overanxious because we're sensitized to alcoholism through past experiences. I find that past experiences typically mean that we overlook a lot of behavior (because it seems normal to us) that other people would find alarming. So by the time we wonder whether something's wrong, something's really wrong. Of course, many (most?) drinkers also operate in secrecy and hide the true extent of their drinking. So that makes it confusing too.
On the decision not to have drink in the house -- that might be something to think over as you attend meetings and work on your recovery. One consideration might be that that would mean you'd have to act as the police in your house. My experience is that lying comes hand-in-glove with alcoholism. So my AH would swear up and down that there was no alcohol in the house, when actually he had it stashed all over. And of course boundaries aren't boundaries unless we're prepared to follow through on them.
Whether to stay or go is probably something that will become clearer as you work on your recovery. I don't know any kids who were glad to grow up in a house with an active drinker. But families are made up in all kinds of different ways.
Just wanted to add something: you don't have to be "mean" to him when he is drinking. You can stand your ground - be firm, but gentle.
I found that when I was "mean" to my exAH when he was under the influence, I was coming from a state of FEAR. I got in touch with my fears, learned (still learning) how to deal with them and discovered that I can detach with love and compassion, even when the world around me seems to be falling apart. When I do, I don't have guilt.
Take care of you and your child Your husband's job is to take care of himself. His choice.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hopefully if you havent already started your alanon meetings you will soon. We also have meetings here onlone twice daily that are awesome. I think we ALL stay in denial until we hit our own bottom. I grew up surrounded with this disease, I didn't marry an A but our son became an addict anyway even though we thought we did all the right things in trying to stop the cycle. What we didnt even think of trying was alanon and had i understood the far reaching effects of this disease on every person around the A I would have been front and center in alanon meetings when my children we small. Because we just ended up raising them with our own dysfunctional thinking that was ingrained in us since childhood. We could have taught our children healthier coping skills and how to deal with this disease. But i can't turn back the clock i can only go forward. i wish you the best of luck Please keep coming back Blessings
