...why is it?? - Al-Anon Family Group

Sincerely · Senior Member

...why is it??

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((Sincerely))

I've often pondered that. I'm sorry you have this.

Work typically involves, at least some, rationality and sanity- something not present with an active A.

When sane and logic aren't present, how can we succeed with interactions, unless it is just by chance?

Thank HP that at least one area of your life is functioning well!

Glad you are here.

ythannah · Senior Member

I've wondered the same thing about myself.

I can do so well academically and professionally, and have some marvelous friendships -- why do I continually choose romantic relationships with A's? And, once I realize the relationship is deeply flawed, why don't I do the sensible thing and walk away?

Ach, once our emotions get entangled, logic and rationality seem to fly out the window!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Your too hard on yourself Sincerely.

You have chosen to take on a person with a disease. That is not a normal circumstance. As wtih any spouse with a disease, it adds stresses and pressure that you normally dont have with a normally functioning marriage.(with its normal ups and downs) .

I am occasionally around the XAH and I swear its like being around my 85 year old Mother who has dementia. Its an extra added burden, which takes patience and compassion. Its not something I choose to do 24/7, we are not superhumans.

I tried to hold a marriage together for 26 years, he made his choices and continued to drink. So I made mine. Life was virtual hell and the scales were unbalanced, I was doing all the work, he would not enter recovery, he went to a lot of rehab and detox, but always drank on the way home. He was going thru life with his eyes closed like a blind man. Nothing would open them. I was happy in every other aspect of my life, but not in my marriage. So acceptance was my path. If we practice the tools of Alanon, we can be happy if we surrender. My choice was divorce him, I filed and he was served, but "We the People" a legal organization, that particular office I chose was closed down by the government, dont know where the papers are. Divine Intervention? We need to relax, sit back, work our program and let your HP guide you. Luv, Bettina

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Sincerely))),

I think it's because that with a career, there is some amount of logic anyway - you put in the work, you will eventually reap the benefits. When you work hard and do a good job, you have a feeling that you were productive - that's a satisfying feeling!

A relationship with an A isn't logical. It's insane. No matter how much work you do on your side, the fact remains that you cannot make the A act rationally.

However - for me, I have begun to understand that when I am disappointed because the A didn't do what I wanted (or what I was hoping he'd do in the back of my head but didn't verbalize), I am disappointed because my expectations were not met. My own expectations are something I CAN change - and that's certainly good news!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

With your career people work with you. In alcoholism it all works against you??
In your career you get Atta Girls, affirmations, raises, awards, self confidence.
In alcoholism you get insanity and or death (unless you get into recovery and work
it as well as your career). Just for me that is. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My thought when I read your question was, you would still have a successful career, be good at it, but I am sure it would be horribly tough if your A had brain cancer, or ms, or lou gerigs or?

They have nothing to do with each other. Living with or having a loved one who is very sick is horrible. When we go to work, we can detach from it awhile and preform well at it.

I used to go to work glad that, that was all I had to think about.

How can you be good at something you have nothing to do with? Cannot control? It has nothing to do with you. (I understand the emotions of course!!)

Its impossible to be efficient, successful in a situation with an A. Until we can detach, use our tools, know it is nothing we can do anything about. Then again it is close to impossible to live with most A's. NOT ALL.

this is my thought, my experience. HUGS,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.