this has to do with working this in all our affairs... - Al-Anon Family Group

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

this has to do with working this in all our affairs...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok it is my experience it is NEVER ok to yell at anyone. Especially a man to a woman where it scares the woman, or to a child, ever.

It is plain out and out abuse. There is no reason to yell at anyone. We can get our point across with out scaring or hurting someone.

As you can see, it has really scared your son, not a good place to be.

In mens defense I don't honestly believe most of them realize how scarey it is for some women and kids when they yell, call names, stomp around.

If you are ok with your kids around him, then maybe you can have a conversation with him about this. Maybe him knowing how much it scares the kids he will stop.

It does concern me however, becuz if a person emotionally abuses they have a HIGH potential for physical abuse. It is a proven fact. There are factual cases where the person was killed, or mamed in some way, even when the abuse up to then was emotional.

In fact just yesterday this was on Dr.Phil. He is on a major campain spel?? about End the silence of domestic violence. You might want to go to his site to ask a question.

Glad you are here. love,debilyn

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

It's my experience that the disease doesn't like to talk about the disease - be that disease alcoholism, gambling addiction, rage addiction, sex addiction, etc. Nothing positive ever came about from my talking with the A about his drinking. Not guilting, not calm neutral discussion, not threatening, not begging.

If I felt I HAD to say something I really had to check my motives, and I had to make a promise to myself that ONCE is enough. Meaning it's okay to say something about something that's bothering me the one time. I'll give myself a little leeway and allow a second time, but anything beyond that, I'm officially nagging.

Since the disease doesn't like to talk about itself, I CAN at least talk reasonably to the other person being affected by it. I did discuss the aspects of alcoholism with my step-daughter when she moved in with us. She was very scared of her dad's outbursts because when she lived with her mother, her step-father was physically abusive. I am still thankful to this day that my exAH was not ever physically abusive. But I explained to her that her biological dad's outbursts are a product of his disease - a product of his being really, REALLY miserable inside and he takes it out on others.

For her protection, I did tell her what to watch for when her dad has been drinking. He'd driven her home smashed drunk once, and I don't think she quite recognized it. I told her to call me if she's feeling scared or if something doesn't feel right about getting in the car with him. I basically ran down a list of safe options for her if she didn't feel safe for any reason. The rest of was out of my hands and I had to place trust in my HP that he'd watch out for her, and that he also had their relationship together taken care of, as well.

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Debi and Aloha, thank you for your quick responses! I am going to go look at that Dr. Phil thing and see what I can find out :) Also, Aloha, thanks for the idea of helping him protect himself, empowers him. I know I will also tell him tonight that he can come to me with anything and to keep an open dialog about it... Thanks :)

Edited:
I just read some stuff on the Dr. Phil site, and what I saw there, I already fear: That my son witnessing the abusive ways of his dad, may cause him to become an addict or alcoholic or have some other mental illness... I have told him and my older son that drugs and alcohol don't make people happy, that it can make people very sick. I really hope I can keep that conversation open to him and his older brother about all of this. I have talked with them as openly as I can about what happened when we lived at that house, that its ok to be mad about it, but that they can't hold on to that anger. My younger son says he is mad about the divorce, but that he feels things are better this way without mommy and daddy fighting... SIGH....

-- Edited by sunflowergirl on Thursday 30th of December 2010 01:51:47 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha your share was the kind of share that I have built my recovery on. Experience
Strength and Hope. And when I found out that it was what was saving my peace
of mind, serenity and sanity I also thought, "If this works for me than it will work
with my kids and the kids I work with." Today I share with those younger than me
"what it was like for me, what I found out and how I live today" and I don't mention
alcoholism, AA or Al-Anon. This is just so much better a way to live life so it's the
only way I give away. Mahalo for the share(s). smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.