Need a little strength... - Al-Anon Family Group

member922 · Senior Member

Need a little strength...

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm proud of you too!! I personally know how manipulative they can be. Follow your heart.... one day at a time.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
when I wanted space I used to leave my phone at home and go out shopping or go get my hair done, go the gym , meet with al anon friend or attend meeting just try and put my focus on myself and he things I enjoy or that are good for me. While Iwas busy he would pop in to my head less and less. I was obsessed with him, addicted to him he was like my alcohol. So just like the alcoholic i had to find other interest and slowly but surley my obsession got weaker and weaker.

take care of you

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

I find that reading my alanon literature is a big help, as is talking to HP. Also, coming to this board. Sometimes I post, sometimes I just read the posts of others but I always come away feeling stronger and like I've learned something. You're making great progress! Like sweet stanley said....one day at a time.

member922 · Senior Member

Thank you for all of the support. It really means a lot to me. I will take these suggestions and try to come up with a list of things to do. I am really struggling with money right now and health insurance issues, so I feel like things are piling up. Whatever that has to do with anything lol, besides joining the gym.

I can do this! I have to for my own sanity and for that of my children. Thanks for being here for me.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I did that thing where I held firm for a little while and then I would relapse. I'd get some detachment but then I didn't keep it up. Finally everything blew up and life became absolutely unmanageable and the relationship ended. I sure wish I had kept up the detachment that first time, or any of those other times. Because in the end I had to start from scratch all over again. This helps keep me strong when I think of relapsing again. I want to hang on to this more peaceful life.

I also kept having the illusion that this time, things were going to change. They never did change.

Hugs to you. Keep taking care of yourself.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what's helped me get through the really rough times is to get to a LOT more meetings and hop on the phone with my sponsor often. Also getting myself involved in some kind of service work or some other activity helped me to divert my focus to other things.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Everyone has their way of making progress.

Some addicts in recovery keep a new bottle of vodka in their home, some people who quit smoking keep a pack somewhere.

For me I want it done and over with. For me it would be like torture everytime I saw the number or that they emailed or text. That is ME. I would wonder what makes it so important to be tortured to make that decision every time.

It sounds like for you it is you seeing your own power/strength.

Great for you working your program! This is a perfect example what makes a personal recovery program fit to the persons needs so important!

I am shaking my head thinking how cool this is!

HUGS! (((((((((member922))))))))))

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 30th of December 2010 01:12:07 PM

sunflowergirl · ~*Service Worker*~

This is great and just what I do, I use my own will power now to not answer calls from people, not text people first and take my time to answer if I answer at all. Same goes with emails and facebook. I have found that I have to turn my phone on silent and not look at it. I slip somedays, I don't take time to respond or I text someone first, but those days are getting fewer now :) As for things to do: the library is free and takes up a lot of time... used book stores, drawing, writing in a journal, listening to music, cleaning out the fridge... I am all about free or cheap stuff to do, so hikes and walks on the beach (I am near the ocean here), and art galleries or museums... my kids love natural history museums so we do that... Take care of you :)

member922 · Senior Member

I love all of you! Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

Another obstacle. I got the "I am going to improve myself, haven't taken a drink for 2 days, going to make myself healthy" email, followed up by the "I am not going to try to please you anymore or put up with your criticism, go find someone else if you can't support me"

I almost sent a good luck email and decided against it. I don't need to respond. If he wants to get better for himself, good for him and I hope he can do it. If he wants be nice to me then basically take it back, then he is on his own. I tried many many times to support and not criticize. It wasn't enough then, and it won't be enough now.

Sticking to my guns, at least until I have time to think. HAHA.

Thanks for all of the good ideas. Now it's time to put them into play.

I will not fall prey to the "this time..." thinking. It hurts too much.
(or at least I will do the best I can)

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

At some point in my relationship with the now ex A I decided not to say anymore. I did it one day at a time. Now its a number of years, the first year was pretty hard. He snowballed me with calls, he played the poor me, angry at me, ignoring me cards that always worked in the past.

The way I did it (and I am still doing it) is to take one day at a time. I didn't consider not speaking to him again for ever, I decided to not speak to him that day.

I had to put my plane on airplane mode sometimes (which means that no calls can come in) and that was difficult. That decision affected many other areas of my life but that was one way I held strong. One day at a time we can do things we can't do for a lifetime.

Maresie.

member922 · Senior Member

Thank you. One day at a time is what I need to hear, over and over and over and over again lol. That is how I am trying to do it. One phone call, one email at a time as well haha. He will have to give up eventually.

There's nothing else I can say to him that hasn't already fallen on deaf ears.

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

The time where you will have to respond to him may eventually come, and if/when it does, I have found the slogan KEEP IT SIMPLE (or as my sponsor says.. 10 words or less) can make the difference between engaging and feeding the disease once again vs saying what you need to say and staying somewhat sane. When it came to email and texting, I used to write out all I wanted to say, then delete it down to a few sentences of what I wanted him to hear.

"Nothing changes, if nothing changes", and it sounds like you are making change. Good for you!

Blessings,
Lou

member922 · Senior Member

Thanks Lou. It's getting harder not easier. Now I got the "ashamed" email.

As far as keep it simple, I know what you mean. I feel like if I do respond, that I should just say something like, I wish you luck on your journey. Or something like that. He needs to do the work. I can't do it for him. No sense trying to explain anything that I have already said ad nauseum. It won't change anything, and will probably make me feel worse.

I am 75% sure that I shouldn't say anything at all. I guess when I'm ready, I can decide what to do. Careful thinking this time. I'm in no hurry.

Thank you for the support.

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