So very often hooking back up with the alcoholic is the consequence of leaving the
face to face rooms.  Alcoholics do that also...return to drinking as they leave the
rooms of AA.   Try something...without you Alcoholic in tow go to a couple of open
AA meetings and listen to what they say about controlled drinking by an alcoholic.
Or closer still check out of this forum and click into the AA board and just ask for
feedback on the subject of "Controlled drinking" from the MIP members there.

There is no such thing if the person is really alcoholic...doesn't work; won't happen.

An alcoholic going back to drinking of any kind is called a relapse.  What I learned
in Al-Anon was I could have the same relapse event by leaving program and returning
to the alcoholic.   I tried...didn't work at least for me.   Got worse and then that is
explained by the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease...for my alcoholic as
she continued her drinking and also for me as I continued my side of the stage play.

I had to chuckle about the special occasions part of the title to this post.  Those
"special" occasions happen anytime.

Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.   (((((hugs)))))

Thanks for sharing your update. I'm glad he is making progress and that you are giving it another try. I wish you success!

Hi Loveridden:)

I agree, Jerry said it perfectly. If he is really an A, there is absolutely no such thing as controlled drinking.

My AH, if you read my other posts, tried that. He promised me that all he WANTED to do. He is now in detox, going to rehab, after almost dying as he passed out drunk at work and his (new) employers thought he was dead - he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. Sorry, not saying this to scare you... it's just a progressive disease and they absolutely cannot drink, not ever. Once they start drinking, they cannot control it, they crave it, they can't stop until they pass out or barf or fall asleep.

About a year ago, things got bad between my AH and I. Long story but basically I found out just how much he drank all the time, that he was having an emotional affair taking to some girl he went to school with on the phone (she didn't live in the same city anymore) every day for hours, he took out a credit card behind my back and racked up $13,000 debt in 9 short months. I was beyond devastated.

So, among other things, we went to therapy - after AH lived with a buddy for 4 days so he could get talking to the girl and getting hammered out of his system. He had become a totally different person, so far from the caring, loving, compassionate, sweet, witty, funny, affectionate man I fell in love with. I looked at him and was disgusted, I had no idea who he was. He had no idea what he had become, what he looked like to me. So so sad.

I thought things were getting better, I thought he didn't drink anymore, I thought he was maturing, emotionally, I thought wrong, I was in denial. I didn't want to see it, I refused to see what was right in front of my face. I became obsessed with reading and watching certain tv shows, immersed myself in work, anything...I didn't want to see what he was becoming.... who knows why...subconsciously I was protecting myself, I was in denial. I wish I knew for sure.

Anyway, within 10 months AH ended up suicidal in a psych ward, lost his job, had an opportunity to get his job back, didn't care, got another job, then passed out there drunk, lost that one.

Anyway, they cannot drink if they are A's. For my AH, his "special occasions" in 2-4 weeks, went from only on weekends, to everyday - by himself. At home, at work, at the dog park, in the car, anywhere....

Keep going to Alanon meetings. Take care of yourself. :)

Danielle





-- Edited by danielle0516 on Thursday 30th of December 2010 10:03:53 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies!! I was still going to al anon f2f meetings when we started getting back together, but lately I haven't been able to go for various reasons. It has gotten quite difficult to arrange. I am in a new area right now so that makes it even more difficult.

But I do still want to do something with al anon and to get back into the f2f meets someday, al anon has helped me immensely and I'm sure will continue to do so, and I don't really want to qui it.

I posted this because I know I have to be aware and I need support if this backfires...and I was fully aware that by posting this most ppl or everybody responding would be like "no, no, no...he's an A, he can't do that!!!! Don't listen to him!! lol"

I have major doubts myself. I've talked to him about it several times. I've talked to my therapist about it. I've discussed it with friends too. Everyone has their doubts.

Originally when we got back together he was going for complete sobriety. Like I said he had some trouble with that. Now he is drinking on special occasions. There have been a couple of weddings and a xmas party. Now there is New Year's Eve. After that is a wedding in March.

He knows that it is a "slippery slope." I know it too. I am very worried but I know I can't control his drinking. For now I am content in the relationship and there is no problem.

But I know there could very well be problems later on, and I may need to detach from him again, whether that just be regular detachment or breaking up....

I'm not looking forward to what I may have to do if he falls into regular drinking again.....so I really hope that doesn't happen. I guess tho for everyone still with an A and with some knowledge about alcoholism.....we are all taking that chance of having do deal with their relapses, aren't we?

I feel stronger than I used to about being able to deal with those things. I feel better about setting boundaries and sticking to them, and not doing the behaviors that many al anon'ers do until they learn better lol, I have learned so so much from al anon....

I am keeping all I have learned in mind...I really am.....

I don't know if he is just an A abuser or a real A.....that I can't answer, all I can do is wait and see what happens of this and make sure that I take care of myself if there is a problem....