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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Went to my first meeting and my ABF made me feel stupid for it.
Post Info TOPIC: Went to my first meeting and my ABF made me feel stupid for it.
parfait624


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Went to my first meeting and my ABF made me feel stupid for it.
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My ABF and I have been having problems lately.  He has been pushing me away.  I found this board and decided to attend a meeting.  I went last night.  I am still a little unsure but it was comforting to see and know that so many people feel like I do.  I planned on going back to a second meeting.  As I was leaving the meeting my ABF called, we have been on a break for about a week now.  He asked if I was busy and if we could talk and if he could pick up some of his stuff.  I told him I was just leaving an alanon meeting and I would call him when I was home.  He immediately gave it to me, "why would you go to that? Do you have someone who is in your family that is an alcoholic."  I told him not to lecture me.
He came over and as soon as he walked in the door, if he isn't part of my life why do I need to go to alanon, not to slam him at meetings, and where I belonged was AA.  I'm not an alcoholic, I rarely drink, the last time I did it caused me to go nuts on my ABF, all my repressed feelings came out.  But that is very out of the ordinary.  He then said he couldn't be with me cause he can't trust me  his latest excuse.  I admit I use lying as a coping device.  I have been seeing a counsolor.  The last four months I have not because I didn't have insurance, I recently went back.  I tried to explain to him when he starts acting like a controlling jerk it triggers my lying and I need to learn to manage that.  While I wasn't seeing my shrink I had no one to be accountable to for it.  He said all I do is blame.  Then five minutes later he goes back to being loving and caring.  Giving me affections. On the advice of my shrink I am supposed to apologize for any damage lying has caused.  I sent him an email I apologized for all the things I have done.  I asked him not to respond.  I told him to forgive me on his own time.  I told him not to judge me for who I was but who I am becoming.  I feel like no matter what I do I can't win.  I'm totally lost and now I don't know if I should be going to alanon. 

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Bettina


~*Service Worker*~

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Hi ,

Of course he doesnt want you going to Alanon, he doesnt want to lose control of you. Also by you going to Alanon he cant live in the denial of his disease. Alcholics live a lie too.

It appears your ABF affects your life, so Alanon is for you. Alanon cant hurt anyone, its good for your life period. It gives you the tools for living!

Keep coming back, things can only get better.

Luv, Bettina

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Bettina
clep


Senior Member

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From the sounds of your post Al-anon just might be your saving grace.  It doesn't matter what others think of your choices, it matters what you think.  

The fact that you are rethinking doing what you feel is best to please another says Al-anon is probably a great place for you to be.

All the rest such as lying will be dealt with through your program in time.  Apologizing for your shortcomings will also come in time.  The steps will guide you through it when you are ready and in due course.

As I keep going to my meetings and applying the principles of the program things become clearer every day.

When dealing with an A you will never win.  They change the playing field on a regular basis, usually geared towards how they feel at the moment.

I don't try to win with my A.  I just live for what I feel is right for myself and use my program and hp to guide me.

Blessings


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Aloha


~*Service Worker*~

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The disease doesn't like to feel threatened so it will lash out to do what it can to protect itself. It's usually through guilt, blame, threats, belittling, begging... it goes on and on.

When my exAH's disease was flapping its mouth at me, I'd remind myself that the disease is talking and to not take it personal. I've sat there and listened and gave neutral responses before... one time I did this and even pictured God putting an invisible shield around me to protect me from all the hurt being thrown my way.

Other times, I'd quietly excuse myself from the room. I don't have to sit around and listen to it.

One of the big things I learned was not to justify an argument with the disease by defending my actions. The moment I take up that position, the disease feeds on it and gets bigger and bigger and worse and worse. It's called dancing the dance.

Thankfully Al-Anon taught me I get a choice in whether or not I want to take up the dance with the disease. Most of the time I didn't - that gave the A very little ammunition to work with and usually left him dealing with his crazy feelings by himself, because I didn't give the disease what it wanted - an argument.

Keep getting back to your meetings. They're for you, not him. :)

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Debilyn


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OH Parfait! I see TONS of you working on you and using your tools!I was so impressed how you handled him.

I liked how you stood up for yourself. You saw the bolony that he was spilling out.

Now I am guessing you know no one has the right to judge us, but I like how you "put the person you are becoming."

It's great to see you learning and become wiser.

Hon they love to tear us down then be nice like we "need" them to make us feel better!sick huh?

YOU are doing great. YES go to meetings, come here, meetings online here, chat room, literature is good too!

Its ok! you just allowed the disease to get you for a second. It will sneak in and try to control you allll the time! YOU my dear came here, you know in your heart you will keep going, and keep coming here. Shows progress.

I hope to see you here a lot. love,debilyn

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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
sunflowergirl


~*Service Worker*~

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I used to use lying too, it was my way of "looking" better, because that is how I was taught to live. Alanon has taught me many other things, and taking care of myself is number one. The thing is, I spent 10 years in therapy with a few different therapists. It never got better til I got into the program with alanon... take care of you!

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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
member922


Senior Member

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I think you are doing the right things.

My Abf acted the same way when I went. If it helps YOU, do it.

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Hayes


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Wow, wow, wow. Thank you for posting and everyone's replies. This is amazing stuff to see the commonalities - to realise it is a disease. I feel very proud of you and inspired and yes I believe Al Anon is the place for you and from reading this post I feel it is for me. The lying as a coping mechanism - I so relate - and how amazing to admit to it. And the defending to the blame and the disease being threatened - oh how I relate! Thank you, thank you. I wish I could share something useful back but hopefully in time as I work my program I can start to do this too.

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Hayes
parfait624


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Thanks for all the feedback I think I will go back to another meeting.  As far as what I am going through, I never said I had no faults or that I was perfect.  When I feel like I've lost control to my Abf I will lie to cope to the end of the earth.  If I say I stole the crown jewels I'll try to prove it.  But it's only because I become afraid of losing him.  I go crazy with the consuption of his diesese.  It won't work with him unless I keep that under control.  I have to learn to step away until I am ok and I don't feel threated.  So then I won't lie.  I can't give my Abf diesese any reason to be able to speak against me.  I can't loose me in him.

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lacewing


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I remember when I was 'caught' reading an alanon book in the presence of my Active Hubby. He went on a discussion binge with me about how its brainwashing effects, it lies, it fabricates stories that are totally off the wall...he then came over to me where I was reading and ripped the book out of my hands, attempted to rip pages out of it then threw it across the room telling me I was 'TOO SMART TO FALL FOR CRAP LIKE WHAT IS IN THOSE BOOKS!'.....

Then he proceeded into the basement with a beer in his hand....

I quietly got up, walked over to the book and the pages strewn all over the living room, sat back down and start reading once again...thinking to myself - "MAN, I guess I hit a nerve..I wondered if those nerves were still alive! NOW I KNOW!

Part of me was in the 'get even SOMEHOW state'.....you hurt me, so I am going to find a way to hurt you back' kind of thing....so I continued to pick up that book when he was around and when he wasn't. I was thinking...THIS will teach him - this will hurt him...this will get his attention! But in between all those retaliation thoughts...I guess I AM SMARTER (than him, anyway...not the books!)...because, I kept reading, I kept coming back, I started going to meetings, I slowly opened up my mind and accepted that this is NOT about HIM....it is about ME....

And I never turned around once to follow his path...I kept on going on my own, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one paragraph, one listening session at one meeting at a time, one teary eyed session of my own at a time....one day at a time.

I finally did something for ME and I am glad I found that inner strength to NOT follow in his footsteps, or be his shadow, or even believe him....

And I will continue my path...to get me where I WANT me to be, and right now, I am where I am supposed to be - for ME!...one day at a time!

~!~

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...He compared his weathered hand to mine and said, ...
GROWTH OF THE MIND AND HEART are the best offers you can give. my Grandfather (Keeper of Stories), to me

widow


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I have lived with alcoholics my whole life... My grandparents next door. My Father and then my Husband... Responding to problems as an enabler is the only thing I know...Now my Husband is dead... And he taught me so well that I am not able to run my life without him telling me how... I am starting as a new person... I want to do it without being dependent as a person responding to an alcoholic... you know what I mean?confuse

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widow
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Went to my first meeting and my ABF made me feel stupid for it.